How to Know If You’re A Cop In A Crime Novel

Earlier, we had How To Know If You’re A Chick-Lit Heroine.

But you are categorically not a Chick-Lit character. You know this to be true, because you’re so much darker than that. You feel  you’re much more closely aligned to a thrilling, mysterious, dangerous situation. The sort of thing you find in crime novels, or thrillers. You’ve even got your own personalised title and everything.

So, you find yourself wondering: could you be the hero in a sinister, twisted universe? Are you – yes, you there! – a cop?

12 Ways To Determine If You’re A Cop In A Crime Novel

1.  Your middle name is either ridiculous, or a closely-guarded secret.

2.  You struggle daily with deep-rooted trauma due to the death or disappearance of your

a) Wife

b) Daughter

c) Sister

d) Mother

e) Girlfriend

f) [Insert Female Victim Here]

3.  You have a keen and deep-rooted sense of self-loathing, which manifests itself in self-deprecating and yet uncommonly witty one-liners, particularly when you’re speaking to more senior colleagues.

4.  Your entire life’s labours work towards resolution of deep-rooted trauma due to the death or disappearance of your

a) Wife

b) Daughter

c) Sister

d) Mother

e) Girlfriend

f) [Insert Female Victim Here]

5.  You drink too much.

6.  You don’t drink at all. Even one drink would make everyone think you are an alcoholic.

7.  You are an incurable insomniac who sleeps a lot during the day.

8.  Murder victims always remind you of your

a) Wife

b) Daughter

c) Sister

d) Mother

e) Girlfriend

f) [Insert Female Victim Here]

… who died or disappeared some time ago.

9.  You have an above-average cultural knowledge. Few of your colleagues realise it, but despite your rough exterior, you are an undisputed expert in art, poetry, philosophy, Japanese feudalism, or ethnic food.

10.  You despair at the ubiquitous depravity of the human race, whilst secretly hoping for redemption for yourself and everybody else who resides down there in the dark with you.

11.  If said redemption were ever to occur, you would subconsciously sabotage it, because the scars just run too deep from the death or disappearance of your

a) Wife

b) Daughter

(oh for Christ’s sake, we get it! – Ed.)

12.  When all is said and done, you are married to your job, and the whole world – especially its women – is in love with you for it.

****************************

Well, then. How did you score?

0/12:             You are female. Or gay (but not both)

1-11/12:       You are the hero of either a John Connolly or a Michael Connelly novel. Either will do really. Pick the one which aligns most closely with your general appetite for violence.

12/12:          You are Alex Cross (written by someone other than James Patterson, even though his name appears on the front cover)

4/12, plus some starlings, an accent, and a glad eye:   You have been watching too much True Detective.