The School For Spammers

Well hello, ladies and gentlespam! You are most cordially welcome to the School for Spammers. You have been nominated for this illustrious course by the recipients of your grammatically bankrupt communications. Whether your spam of choice be a comment on a blog, Facebook or Twitter; be you a phisher or a troll; whether you are pretending to be a tax collector, designer rip-off merchant or a porn pusher – we are the place for you!

The aim of this course is to allow you, the Spammer, to more effectively defraud your targets, the Spamees, of their time, cash, or technical wherewithal, by improving the form and content of spam in general. We will do this by bashing your heads together until your astronomically poor English skills improve enough to let you back online.

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Ready? Good. There are three course modules. Please complete all three. Failure to complete all three will result in instant death. Any use of Google Translate will also result in instant death. Crash helmets are not permitted.

MODULE 1: THE EVOLUTION OF SPAM

Spam has come a long way since the first Nigerian Prince e-mails of the 1990s. However, despite the huge growth of platforms upon which to spam, standards have been getting worse, not better.

Sadly, much of today’s spam goes to waste. In a study we made up earlier, 98.997% of all spam was picked up by anti-virus products through bad grammar alone. And in a recent survey of 1,203,503,895 internet users, only 2% of interested parties were able to figure out what the spam was trying either to sell, or defraud somebody of (unless it was porn).

“Surely, having ploughed resources and often money into gathering addresses as spam targets, spammers should be putting more effort into getting their content right,” said Dinglebert Halfhorse, School for Spam Headmaster. “When you’re playing the numbers game by spamming hundreds of thousands of people to try and trick a tiny percentage into clicking your link, why would you f*** it up straight away by making your actual comment or email immediately recognisable as spam?”

In these dark economic times of austerity and cutbacks, such waste cannot be permitted. Therefore, any student found issuing spam which fails to adequately direct its own purpose will result in immediate and irrevocable loss of internet connection. It has been proposed at national level that any spam with more than two grammatical mistakes should result in the spammer being tied to a pole in a public place and slapped across the face hourly with a rather large cod. Here at the School for Spammers we do not believe in mindless violence. However, upon completion of this course, if you persist with grammatical crimes or paucity of purpose, we will mindfully tie you to the pole ourselves.

 MODULE 2: TYPES OF SPAM

Spam comes in 6 forms. Memorise these immediately, and punch yourself in the face if you forget any.

1. FLATTERY

This are only ever successful with lonely people, or on web pages which nobody ever reads; still, there are plenty of those to go around.

2. SOLICITING/GIVING FAKE TECHNICAL ADVICE

This worked for 5 minutes in 2007, making it some of the most effective spam ever, but nowadays it’s about as useful as a Kardashian with a PhD. Primarily for targeting net novices.

3. FAKE CRITICISM

This is a difficult one to dismiss, as the sort of people who will listen to criticism from strangers about their writing skills, or the shape of their thighs, tend to be the most active online users. However, this is only a high-performance weapon against the chronically needy.

4. THE OLD NEED-YOUR-HELP TRICK

This is as old as the sub-equatorial Prince whose nubile daughter needs to rent a room in your house, but modern forms often combine with #1, #2 and, of course, #69.

5. INCITEMENTS TO PLAGIARISM

In a content-hungry internet, it’s a sure-fire winner to target sites which post original content, telling them to steal non-original content from elsewhere. No really it is.

69. PORN SPAM

The one exception: you can pretty much throw anything you want into porn spam. A recipe for roast chicken will do. Nobody cares when it comes to porn.

MODULE 3: THERE IS NO MODULE 3, SUCKERS! THAT WAS FAKE. THIS IS YOUR FINAL EXAM

Place the following spam blog comments into their correct categories. For extra credit, correct the grammar, and answer them with a smart comment. Please note that some examples may fall into more than one category. Failure to identify all relevant categories will result in being buried alive with the old cod we slapped you with.

(a) Unquestionably believe that which you said. Your favorite justification appeared to be on the internet the simplest thing to be aware of. I say  to you, I definitely get irked while  people think about worries that they just do not know about.  You managed to hit the nail upon the top and defined out the whole thing  without having side effect , people can take a signal. Will likely be back  to get more. Thanks

(b) Hi this is somewhat of off topic but I wondering if blogs use WYSIWYG editors or if you have to manually code with HTML. I’m starting a blog soon but have no coding know how so I wanted to get advice from someone with experience. Any help would be greatly appreciated!

(c) Thanks to my father who told me regarding this webpage, this weblog is really remarkable.

(d) Yes! Finally someone writes about porn.

(e) Do you know that you can copy articles from other websites and make them 94% unique in seconds and re-post them on tarasparlingwrites.comhttp://tarasparlingwrites.com as yours. How? Simply search in google for: Spamxxxx’s essential tool

(f) of course like your web site however you need to take a look at the spelling on several your posts. Several of them are rife with spelling problems and I find it very bothersome to tell the reality however I surely come again again.

All spam replies should be addressed to Tara Sparling Writes, an excellent test site, which to date has received over 32,000 spam blog comments and counting. This is despite the fact that every last one of them has been captured by Akismet, the anti-spam bot from WordPress, never even making it as far as moderation. Apparently, a 100% failure rate is no deterrent to spammers, so remember the last word on spamming, students:

ON A MORE SERIOUS NOTE: If you really want to spam better, you can find a definitive how-to-guide here