I Won The ABBA Funniest Blog Award So Here’s A Very Long, Odd Joke To Celebrate

I WON A PRIZE! In London!! Which feels somehow better than a domestic one!! (Please see 800 years of confused and conflicted Irish history for details).

The Annual Bloggers’ Bash and Awards (ABBA) 2017 took place on Saturday 11th June in London, when the folks there announced I had won first place in the Funniest Blogger competition. I know it’s terribly clichéd, but I truly was gobsmacked. I did not expect this at all at all. So to celebrate, I would like now to perplex you.

You see, I wrote something which doesn’t fit anywhere other than on this blog. Sometimes things pour out of my head that have no discernible home ANYWHERE. And what is the point of having a blog, unless I can inflict them upon nice unsuspecting people like you?

Last week I got personal with the essay, in which I tackled my fears. This week I don’t know what I’ve written. It might be an essay. Or perhaps it’s a sketch. Then again, who cares?

Without further ado, this is what happens when I start thinking about the language of rhetoric. I hasten to add, this is not a comment about anything except SHOPPING. That is all. Thank you.

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The Shopping Testament

 

In the beginning God created the high street and the mall. And the mall was in a barren outpost of town, but it was climate-controlled, and had plenty of easily navigable parking spaces, even for the drivers of urban SUVs. And the spirit of commerce moved upon the car parks and into the dark concourses of the mall.

God said, Let there be Light: and the Light was in Ikea, in a whole range of colours, except red, which is on re-order and will be here on Tuesday. And God called the light Årstid, and the darkness he called I Am Not Going There At This Hour On A Friday Night No Matter How Short The Queues Are And That Is Final. And the evening and the morning were covered by extended opening hours on Thursdays.

And God said, Let there be a Food Court in the midst of the Crossing, and let it divide the West Mall from the East, and the North Mall from the South. And God made the Food Court, which divided the Transepts from the Apse, with intermittent coffee stops in each Aisle for penitents who spent too much in M&S despite the vouchers they got for Christmas, and it was so. And God called the concourse Heaven. And the evening and the morning were enhanced by extended opening hours on Fridays.

Then He Said…

And God said, Let what is for sale be gathered together unto one place, and let the customers appear; and it was so. And God called the customers the Target Market, and the gathering together of the things for sale he called the Malls; and God saw that it was good, because of the reduction in overheads, which greatly reduced margins in the centre of Town.

And God said, Let the customers bring forth cash, for 100% satisfaction guaranteed, and the credit cards guaranteed after the cash has been divided from the customers, at an APR of 21.7%; and it was so. And the customers brought forth the cash, and the credit cards, and the annual percentage rates which fed the banks of commerce; and God saw that it was good.

Another Thing God Said

And God said, Let there be lights in the concourses and in the car parks of the malls to keep the day unto the night; and let them be for signs, and for window displays, for seasonal sales, and annual stocktake clearances: and it was so. And God made two great lights; the greater light to show the merchandise to its best advantage, and the lesser light to show the customers to their best advantage: he made the merchandise also.

And God said, let the malls bring forth the living creatures of all kinds, customers, and mystery shoppers, and servants of the malls each according to its kind: and it was so. And God made the servants and the customers and the mystery shoppers and every living thing that crept through the concourses each according to their own kind, and some who were of more than just the one kind, thus causing a few problems for Bill and Jane in Marketing regarding the segmentation of the Target Market; and God saw that it was good, for God did not work in Marketing.

Oh No He Didn’t

And God said, Let us make ourselves in the image of the models and celebrities, no matter our likeness: and let us have dominion over the servants of the mall, and over the merchandise, and over the credit cards and the cash, and over every creeping insecurity that creepeth upon us in the dark of night when the car parks are empty.

So we created ourselves in the image of the models and the celebrities, in the image of models and celebrities we created God; male and female we were segmented into Target Markets and made feel wanting.

And we felt blessed, as the models and celebrities said to us, be fruitful, and multiply your spending, and replenish your bank accounts, and subdue your fears: behold, we have instilled in you every unquenchable want, which is upon the face of all the earth: to it you shall be for meat.

And God saw every thing that he had made, and behold, it was very good. And thus the malls and the concourses were finished, and all the host of them. And on the seventh day God ended his work which he had made: but did not rest, for commerce was made good also by extended opening hours on Sundays.

Here endeth the post.

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