I WON A PRIZE! In London!! Which feels somehow better than a domestic one!! (Please see 800 years of confused and conflicted Irish history for details).
The Annual Bloggers’ Bash and Awards (ABBA) 2017 took place on Saturday 11th June in London, when the folks there announced I had won first place in the Funniest Blogger competition. I know it’s terribly clichéd, but I truly was gobsmacked. I did not expect this at all at all. So to celebrate, I would like now to perplex you.
You see, I wrote something which doesn’t fit anywhere other than on this blog. Sometimes things pour out of my head that have no discernible home ANYWHERE. And what is the point of having a blog, unless I can inflict them upon nice unsuspecting people like you?
Last week I got personal with the essay, in which I tackled my fears. This week I don’t know what I’ve written. It might be an essay. Or perhaps it’s a sketch. Then again, who cares?
Without further ado, this is what happens when I start thinking about the language of rhetoric. I hasten to add, this is not a comment about anything except SHOPPING. That is all. Thank you.
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The Shopping Testament
In the beginning God created the high street and the mall. And the mall was in a barren outpost of town, but it was climate-controlled, and had plenty of easily navigable parking spaces, even for the drivers of urban SUVs. And the spirit of commerce moved upon the car parks and into the dark concourses of the mall.
God said, Let there be Light: and the Light was in Ikea, in a whole range of colours, except red, which is on re-order and will be here on Tuesday. And God called the light Årstid, and the darkness he called I Am Not Going There At This Hour On A Friday Night No Matter How Short The Queues Are And That Is Final. And the evening and the morning were covered by extended opening hours on Thursdays.
And God said, Let there be a Food Court in the midst of the Crossing, and let it divide the West Mall from the East, and the North Mall from the South. And God made the Food Court, which divided the Transepts from the Apse, with intermittent coffee stops in each Aisle for penitents who spent too much in M&S despite the vouchers they got for Christmas, and it was so. And God called the concourse Heaven. And the evening and the morning were enhanced by extended opening hours on Fridays.
Then He Said…
And God said, Let what is for sale be gathered together unto one place, and let the customers appear; and it was so. And God called the customers the Target Market, and the gathering together of the things for sale he called the Malls; and God saw that it was good, because of the reduction in overheads, which greatly reduced margins in the centre of Town.
And God said, Let the customers bring forth cash, for 100% satisfaction guaranteed, and the credit cards guaranteed after the cash has been divided from the customers, at an APR of 21.7%; and it was so. And the customers brought forth the cash, and the credit cards, and the annual percentage rates which fed the banks of commerce; and God saw that it was good.
Another Thing God Said
And God said, Let there be lights in the concourses and in the car parks of the malls to keep the day unto the night; and let them be for signs, and for window displays, for seasonal sales, and annual stocktake clearances: and it was so. And God made two great lights; the greater light to show the merchandise to its best advantage, and the lesser light to show the customers to their best advantage: he made the merchandise also.
And God said, let the malls bring forth the living creatures of all kinds, customers, and mystery shoppers, and servants of the malls each according to its kind: and it was so. And God made the servants and the customers and the mystery shoppers and every living thing that crept through the concourses each according to their own kind, and some who were of more than just the one kind, thus causing a few problems for Bill and Jane in Marketing regarding the segmentation of the Target Market; and God saw that it was good, for God did not work in Marketing.
Oh No He Didn’t
And God said, Let us make ourselves in the image of the models and celebrities, no matter our likeness: and let us have dominion over the servants of the mall, and over the merchandise, and over the credit cards and the cash, and over every creeping insecurity that creepeth upon us in the dark of night when the car parks are empty.
So we created ourselves in the image of the models and the celebrities, in the image of models and celebrities we created God; male and female we were segmented into Target Markets and made feel wanting.
And we felt blessed, as the models and celebrities said to us, be fruitful, and multiply your spending, and replenish your bank accounts, and subdue your fears: behold, we have instilled in you every unquenchable want, which is upon the face of all the earth: to it you shall be for meat.
And God saw every thing that he had made, and behold, it was very good. And thus the malls and the concourses were finished, and all the host of them. And on the seventh day God ended his work which he had made: but did not rest, for commerce was made good also by extended opening hours on Sundays.
Here endeth the post.
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🤣🤣🤣🤣 But seriously, CONGRATS! Glad to see my vote did not go to waste😋 You deserve it, you always bring a smile to my face (bark of laughter?)
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The idea of me making people bark is somehow oddly satisfying, M.L. Thank you!
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Reblogged this on Anita Dawes & Jaye Marie.
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Winning an award, usually means you have a lot to live up to… glad to see you have wasted no time at all proving WHY you won! Funniest post I have ever read!
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Praise from on high, indeed! Thanks so much, guys. Tisn’t often I feel vindicated on a Wednesday 😉
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Well deserved…that post was hilarious!
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And the god was Commerce. A Brilliant piece Tara.
xxx Huge Hugs xxx
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Thank you David!! I’m just glad people like it 😀
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Congrats.
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Thank you most kindly. I still don’t know what they were thinking.
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Congratulations on the Blogger award. Great posts x
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Thank you for reading and always stopping by! It’s why I do it…
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Congrats again Tara and so so deserved.. you’re fab 😊 xxxx
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Thanks Mairead and hearty congratulations to you too in the Best Book Blogger category!
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I could listen to that all day 😊
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Once again, well done and congratulations! p.s. Great post and please forgive my cheek for adding the following: ‘And on the Day after Christmas I looked, and there before me was a great multitude that no one could count, from every nation, tribe, people and language, pouring up and down the mall concourse and jamming up the escalators. They were wearing every variation on a Superdry coat and were holding 45 shopping bags in each hand. And they cried out in a loud voice: “My life will be worth nothing until I spend all I own on the best deals and biggest bargains, salvation is found in nothing else”‘. Thus endeth the revelation.
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No cheek at all, I love it!! Next stop, the apocalypse. Can’t WAIT. 😉
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I’m sorry but you have no choice BUT to wait and beware: ‘About that day or hour no one knows, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father. Be on guard! Be alert! You do not know when that time will come. If he comes suddenly, do not let him find you sleeping, or worse: bowing down at the shrine of commerce!’
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Too late. I didn’t wait and I’m not bewarned. My credit card is in my hand and it’s total destruction time.
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Uh-oh, looks like I’m going to have to wait for a post apocalyptic review on your blog next week.
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Well done, you are officially awesome. (We knew it unofficially for ages).
Shopping malls, aren’t they a huge pain in the arse? The bigger the shopping centre the less I want to shop.
Maybe it’s a grumpy old man thing.
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I dunno, my babbity friend. I’m also an equal opportunities grump. I mean, I grump in all places and I don’t think it’s gender-specific. Good grief. Am I a grumpy old man, too?
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You’d be the most gorgeous G.O.M. I’ve ever come across if you were. Perhaps, to take the age & gender out of, we should settle on “Grumpy Gits”?
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Ah now you’ve ten minutes to stop that! Seriously! I couldn’t possible take another compliment, you’re awful! NO SERIOUSLY.
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I’m tempted to go all Mrs Doyle on you:
“Ah, go on Tara, surely you’ll be wanting another compliment… Go on, go on, go on… I can do you a lovely bit of flattery about the evocative use of the word ‘bonkers’ in your strapline?”
😀
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Ah would you STOP. By that I mean the Irish stop, which of course doesn’t mean stop at all. 😉
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Ah, now I have a feeling this is where the problem has been all along with the “do you want us to stop ruling Ireland from London” thing. It’s a nuanced thing, innit? “Stop complimenting me” means “carry on”. But “stop oppressing me you imperialist shitebag” isn’t the same thing. Gah. If only we could have got that straight earlier… 😉
(As an aside, I have vainly hoped to stumble across some Irish ancestry which could ensure continued EU citizenship but it appears I am shockingly English – but in a sweet floppy eared kind of way)
Anyhoo, time for another compliment:
Tara, Tara,
Our glittering tiara.
Word punching slogger
Award-winning blogger.
Talented and able
Queen of the pivot table.
Our darling Sparling
Much nicer than Carling
(Which is tasteless and fizzy
And makes me dizzy)
Ayethangyow 🙂
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You’ve made me speechless, Nick. Many have tried. Many have failed. But I’m at a loss to counteract such a compliment with a cynical rejoinder. WHAT HAVE YOU DONE???
I’ll get you Irish citizenship if you fancy, by the way. I can be bought. Having said that I’ve heard my government can be bought even more easily…
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I think I’ll quit while I’m ahead (or cause more speechlessness, which isn’t a good thing for a generous, smooth-talking gal like yerself).
Dammit. I’ve done it again.
😀
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*Hunts for elusive gag emoji. Gives up*
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Brilliant – well done Tara
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Thanks Lucy! It’s an honour to be in the same club as you!
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Maybe one day you can come and guest post on BlondeWriteMore? I would be in total fangirling mode but I think it would be a laugh.
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Ooooh, now there’s a thought! You do realise how dangerous it is, lofting out invitations like that to people like me?!
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The offer is there. No timescales. Whenever you feel like getting in touch with your inner blonde 😎
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Her time will come 😉
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My email is blondeusk@outlook.com 😊
Happy to wait as long as it takes for this 😎
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I definitely want to do this, Lucy. As soon as I get a proper handle on my current project I’m THERE. You have been warned 😜
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Hahaha! Funny and clever post Tara. Glad you won and glad I found you!
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I’m glad you found me too. Hadn’t a clue where I was 😛
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When you find me, don’t tell anyone, okay? I’m wanted in five states. 😉
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😂😂😂
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YAY!!!!!! Congrats Tara I’m delighted for you.
And yet another excellent post to prove why you won 🙂 x
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I only do it for the cake, Donna 😉
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Amen, sister. And congrats on the well-deserved win. Glad to see my vote didn’t go to waste.
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No such thing as a wasted vote, Nick. Unless you vote for someone who isn’t me, obviously. Then it’s environmental carnage.
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Vote for someone else?! Nah, what kind of a monster do you take me for?
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I trust nobody, Nick. I’ve been burned before.
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I’ve told you, it was an accident. I just happened to slip while holding that match.
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If I had a fire extinguisher for every time I’ve heard that, Nick…
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Reblogged this on Jan Hawke INKorporated and commented:
Ah, Tara… 😀 Many congos on a well-deserved and for making me laugh on days when the God of Malls, surely hates me! 😛
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Ah, a bit of retail therapy and you’ll be grand, Jan…
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Many congratulations thoroughly well-deserved.
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Thank you! Although what you lot did to deserve me, may only become apparent on the Day of Judgement.
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Loved this – and it goes to show how you so rightly won the award 🙂
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Thanks, Lucinda! I have to agree with you, of course. It’d be rude not to.
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Congrats, Tara! always make me chuckle, and if I had known there was a vote I’d have voted for you! Only this post is rather unpleasantly close to the truth.
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D’you know, if I were ever to ask for an epitaph, it would probably be ‘unpleasantly close to the truth’
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Reblogged this on Same Train, Different Track.
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Thanks for the like Tara, I have been quiet of late – undercover I think they call it, I haven’t gone away you know.
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Welcome C.J.! It’s not often I get to visit myself these days.
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Justice served. One less thing to get annoyed about. Damn.
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Don’t lose heart, Depterness. There will be a new target for ire along shortly.
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Congratulations!
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