Just LOOK at those abs
Look. I just want to say: all the other fitness bloggers in the world can stop now, and go off and eat cake or whatever – like, chips – and chocolate, and pasta, and bread – because I’m here now.
By this point we all know that in my quest to become a more famous and money-sucking denizen of the internet I totally smashed it, both as a Beauty Blogger, and a Lifestyle Blogger. It was only a matter of time before I turned my hand to fitness blogging, and I have to say, it’s so much easier than you think.
Ignore for just one second, if you will, that you won’t find a single photograph of me in this post, but believe me when I say that looking totally fit, and being the envy of all your “friends”, is easier than creating a smoky eye whilst artfully arranging white cushions on spectacularly non-functional furniture.
It’s time you learned that you – yes, you too – can be as fabulous and amazing as me. Yes, I am that blogger. Read it and leap.
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HOW I GOT TO BE SO BUFF (NOT TO MENTION SO DAMN PHOTOGENIC)
I’ve always been passionate about fitness, but one of the questions I get asked most is, how do I stay so #bufffffff?
People seem to think that I spend my life eating out, travelling, drinking buckets of champers at glitzy events, and cooking for my celeb friends. They’re right – but there is a fitness plan out there to suit everybody, and my personal trainer and I have definitely found the perfect one for me.
A personal trainer can really help with motivation, but the most important thing about motivation is that you never quit. Sometimes when I’m half way through a crushing workout I just want to drop everything and go and eat ice-cream. But then I think about people I see shopping in the supermarket, or pictures of people on Instagram eating ice-cream, and out of nowhere, I get enough energy to do another 60 push-ups.
And remember: enough is never enough. Unless you feel like your arms and legs are going to fall off and reject you and find their own hammock on a beach in Bali, or unless you’re sweating so much that your ears are dripping and your eyes are flooded, or unless you’re Gwyneth Paltrow, you’re not trying hard enough.
The most important thing to remember about fitness, is editing. Photographs or videos can take hours to film and edit. It’s a full time job. So many people don’t understand what a full-time job blogging can be. I’ve had 5-hour slogs with barely a break for lunch some days, and then had to rush like crazy to get ready for a fabulous event, which is why it’s best to have someone on staff who can do jobs like editing for you.
Still, even fat people have to start somewhere, so I’ve taken it upon myself to give you some of the toppest tips ever to top the blogger charts. These are my utmost secrets, guys, and so I’m only sharing them with you – my most dearest fans!
The Instagram Fitness Workout: The Most Effective Workout In The World!
Using the best photo editing software you can afford*, work out imperfections as follows:
FOR THE GALS:
- Suck in tummy
- Suck in back
- Thin out arms
- Thin out quads
- Thin out double chin
- Get rid of scars and cellulite
- Make bust rounder
- Enlarge and lift bum
- Full body skin smooth
FOR THE GUYS:
- Highlight 6-pack
- Lowlight 6-pack
- Airbrush 6-pack
- Thin out waist (until you look pretty much like an insect)
- Widen quads
- Thin out knees
- Widen biceps
- Widen jaw
- Square jaw
- Add extra jaw
- Jaw
- Quads
- Biceps
- 6-pack
- Did I say quads?
Et voilà! You are downright fecking gorgeous, it’s a fact!
Tune into my dedicated YouTube Fitness Channel ( 13,203,202++ subscribers in the first 2 months) for more top-secret workouts. Your sweat will never be better spent. Believe me.
*See my ‘Social Influencing May 2018’ page for the photo editing software I’m endorsing this week!
INSPIRATION!
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Tara Sparling writes 
Now, that’s a fitness regime I can get behind! In fact, one even my (perfect-after-editing) behind can get behind. Thank you for the great tips, oh wise (and photogenic-after-editing) one.
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It’s all about giving back with me, Nick. I’m so selfless, sometimes I get a hernia from the burden of my awesomeness. (Burns extra calories though thankfully.)
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See, most “analog” fitness gurus would have settled for the goals you mentioned or worse yet, some lame list of exercises to do to actually, I guess, get there. But you, Ms. Sparling have taken it to the digital level where fitness has always belonged with the promise of the real software we’ve always needed to get this job done. I’m sitting here thinking “duh! Why did she make us wait so long?” It’s simple genius, full stop.
I’m already out of breath just typing this and thinking about it.
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See? Even a digital workout is enough for psychological reward. If only I didn’t make you feel so inadequate at the same time, I’d actually be doing some real good, right?
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Great. This is best blogging post on inter net. I am Chaz and I can be doing Photoshoping for you for $10 per each images. You can see examples of work I did and done by Google search Kardashian Photoshop deformed.
But seriously, what would we do without you, Sparling? Short of starting your own religion you are beginning to transcend our lives. I’d try that Instagram technique, but I still haven’t mastered getting my head in the frame when I’m taking a selfie withot a mirror.
ps Second comment. Where is everyone?
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Can’t pass up on that offer, Chris. I’ll take 20. And I wouldn’t be too sure I’m not starting my own religion. I believe in covert ops. All the cool powermongers are doing it.
As for your second comment, do you mean where is everyone who hangs around this blog, or where is everyone in general? Are you locked in a shed somewhere? Or is it that I should rethink my inspirational use of ‘Fatty’?
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I’m normally sixty-fifth or thirty-fourth in the comment list. But for that pesky Rossis person and quick-fingered Will I would have been up there again, where the gods stand. Even now, several hours later the crowds have still not descended on the comments section. Where are they? They can’t all be watching Homes Under the Hammer.
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Well, this is only a guess, but I have a sneaking suspicion that everyone might be taking some proper expert advice for once in their adult lives on this, the first sunny weekend in May – perhaps they’ve all gone outside to play….?
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I need your fitness-editing software! Sell it on your site, Tara, and your commissions will soar. Now, where did I put those nachos?
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STEP AWAY FROM THOSE NACHOS. No nachos for you until you buy my endorsements, Diana. All major Credit cards accepted. Etc.
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Reblogged this on anita dawes and jaye marie.
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Thanks for the re-blog 😀
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Billion dollar fitness industry. Who needs it?;0) I once tried a ‘if you just do this for five minutes everyday …’ you tube video. Halfway through it I realised there were more exercises than they’d allude to (at the start they acted like it was five one minutes and half way through they said ‘only six to go!’ I lay down on the floor, panting. Didn’t even have the energy to type a complaint in … I know, not the point of the post but I’m still bitter!
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You see, that’s the problem, isn’t it? They ALL lie. Except for me. I would never lie to you. Except when I’m making a point about lies, in which case it’s the truth. Right?
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er, yes … I think …
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So now you’ve given me a dilemma and it’s too early in the morning for those……
Do I go to the gym and spend 45 minutes puffing away while watching something on You Tube or do I just sit in the garden with a cuppa and use your instructions with my Photoshop app. …….
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That’s no dilemma, surely? I mean, if the option I present isn’t the obvious choice, I’m doing something wrong. But that would be impossible! So to be fair, it’s probably your fault. Don’t feel too bad about it, though.
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“Even fat people have to start somewhere,” You are harsh (and buff). Just stay away from food blogging.
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You want me to stay away from food blogging? No problem. I take bribes – I mean endorsements. What are you offering?
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I promise some food.
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Sold, and as a gesture of goodwill, I’ll throw in a promise to never comment on your fashion sense.
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Even if I post a stomach in, flat back, no handles selfie to my Insta?
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Oh, Conor. How much you have to learn. That’s sooooo 2016.
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