Superblogger Chapter 1: How To Get Filthy Rich From Internetting

To my dearest fans (that’s you guys)

Welcome to the world of the Superblogger!

Nobody is more grateful than me for my fabulous life.

But you might not know that what makes me even happier, is sharing it with you.

Who would have thought, just one year ago, that a quiet kid from Nowheresville would end up with 6.8 million followers, two houses, three dogs, too many celebrity friends to count, and my own lines in tanning products, cookware, fitness gear, vintage cat memes, and personalised car accessories?

Living such a great life means I have something really great to blog about. Which is kind of crazy, because the money and endorsements I get through blogging are literally what gives my life its fabulousity, and in turn my fabulous life is what I blog about, so it goes from blogging to fabulous, back to blogging about fabulous in a kind of never ending loop, until people have to go and lie down when they think about it.

And how does one get this fabulous life to blog about in the first place? Well, I can help you there, because I’ve done it. And in this series, I’m going to tell you all my secrets, except for the ones which I’m going to monetise eventually.

Because the thing is – I’m the most honest blogger around. NOBODY will ever be more honest with you than me. I tell it like it is, which is literally what I say it is.

Like, there can be a downside to making loads of money and having really cool stuff and getting recognised and asked for autographs on the street, and that is: The Haters. In this series I will also tell you in how to use your own fabulosity to turn hate into love, and by love I mean: followers.

I love all my fans, but especially you, for loving me so much. If I can make one person in the world smile during a sad bad day, I can go to bed happy. And don’t you think that’s what makes my life so inspired?

So without further ado, and with oodles of #inspo, here is the Superblogger’s super guide to blogging and social influencement!

Selfies are the most important tool on the road to rich social influencement. Sadly, none of these people will ever make any money from social media.

 

HOW TO GO FROM ZERO TO SUPERBLOGGER IN ONLY 1,000,000 FOLLOWERS

Let me start by telling you something which might shock you.

I wasn’t always a Superblogger.

I wasn’t always this outgoing.

Just 12 months ago, I was so shy, I could barely put a video of myself up online without hyperventilating.

I had so many anxiety issues, I got an entire blog series out of it.

To put it another way, I was once like you.

But through blogging and my YouTube channel, I started to learn that people can totally be interested in things you might think aren’t interesting, like your life, what you think, what you eat, what you wear, and what you like. Remember: you are special, and nobody else in the world is like me.

I learned so many things about myself through blogging and YouTubing. Now there is hardly ever a day goes by I don’t learn something really important about myself.

I’ve learned that it’s easier sometimes to talk to a million people online than it is to talk to one person while you’re looking them in the eye.

I also learned that the most important thing is to stay humble. As long as you’re the most humble person you know, you’ll be okay. If I ever feel like I might not be humble enough, I think of my fans, and imagine what it’s like to literally walk in their shoes for a day, and before I know it, I’m totally humble again.

A #nofilter photograph of some food I had once. Remember: there is no limit to how much food you can photograph without putting on a single pound in weight!

But how do you even begin blogging? Where will you get your followers and endorsement deals? How will you find stuff to blog about, and who even is going to watch the video you spent hours getting the light just right for, and even more hours editing to perfection?

To start with, it really helps if you’re living with someone else, like a parent, or maybe your girlfriend or boyfriend (especially if they’re famous already – that can literally help more than anything). Blogging can be slow to start off, sometimes taking weeks to get off the ground.

If you don’t have a celebrity boyfriend or girlfriend (I guess not many of us do – although I have quite a few so maybe I could lend you one!), you can blog from your own bedroom instead, while your parents pace around downstairs, wondering just what the hell you’re getting up to on the internet. Remember it costs nothing to be in your room, as long as someone else is paying the bills.

By the time you make your third or fourth million (which can take anything from six days to six weeks, in my experience), you can buy your parents a new house, which might stop them complaining for just three seconds that they STILL can’t figure out how exactly you’re making so much money by doing nothing at all. (How cute are parents?! If you have them, obviously. Some people might be missing a Mum or a Dad. Some people don’t have any parents at all. I think about this sort of stuff all the time #solucky #lovemyfam #countyourblessings)

Remember it’s important to stay positive. Positivity is literally the best thing that ever happened to me. I’ve always been the kind of person to see the best in things, but I didn’t know that when I started out – which is another thing I’ve learned about myself in my blogging journey.

Also remember: as a blogger, you must be entertaining. Also, be beautiful. Be funny. Be popular. Be amazing.

But above all things, be yourself.

This is just one of the 16 Superblogger spa breaks I’ve taken so far in 2019. If you become more like me, you too will have one sixteenth of a spa like this.

I’d like to finish this introduction by listing my top tips for becoming a Superblogger. This is the stuff I wish I’d known before I started. I will say more about these later. But now that you know – there’s literally nothing holding you back!

(ii) MY TOP TEN TIPS FOR SUPERBLOGGING…. OR WHAT I WISH I KNEW BEFORE I STARTED

1. There is no such thing as embarrassment. Only obscurity.
2. There is no limit to what people will find interesting (unless they are related to you – in which case they will never think ANYTHING you do is good, so don’t even try).
3. You don’t have to be perfect. Just seem that way.
4. You will never have enough followers for L’Oréal.
5. Your parents will never understand, but lots of money will help.
6. You don’t need a professional studio, equipment or website starting off. After the first two months or 2,000,000 followers is fine.
7. Other bloggers lie about their stats, but obviously you would never.
8. You will never have enough followers on Instagram.
9. Being positive in the face of the haters is literally, like, kryptonite.
10. You don’t have to understand advertising standards, income tax, or calories. That’s what the experts on your payroll went to university for.

Tune in next week, when I reveal more unique skills in my guide to Fitness blogging, which is totally fantastic for January, because let’s face it, all of you are feeling pretty fat right now.

LOVE you guys!!!

 

DISCLAIMER: The Superblogger is an equal opportunities satirist. S/he takes no responsibility for hitherto unfamiliar readers seeing themselves in what s/he writes. If you are offended, please return to Instagram and believe what you see.