A Passive Aggressive and Yet Somehow Loving Exchange of Views With My Internet Profile

 

My Blog: [quiet font] Psst. Tara. Hey.

Me: What?

My Blog: Tara. Hiya. Remember me? I’m your blog.

Me: Not now, My Blog. I’m extremely busy.

My Blog: But you’ve always been busy. You never ignored me before.

Me: I’m not ignoring you. I just haven’t got time to update you right now.

My Blog: But it’s not just right now. You haven’t updated me in ages, like.

Me: I know. Sorry about that. It’s just the busyness. I am very busy right now being busy. And also important.

My Blog [injured font]: Too important to think about me?

Me: Don’t be silly. I think about you all the time.

My Blog: So why haven’t you updated me?

Me: Well, there’s a big difference between thinking about something and actually doing it, as you well know.

My Blog: Oh, you can sing it, sister.

Me: And then there’s the fact that I just started a new day job.

My Blog: Oh, Christ. I’m never going to see you again, am I?

Me: Not at all. I’m just not into my new routine yet, that’s all.

My Blog: This does not bode well.

Me: I think you’re taking this a bit personally.

My Blog: It’s all right for you. You get to exist every day. You go out to work, doing functional member of society stuff. You even get to earn money by having a day job. Not like me. No blog has earned money since 2011, and no new blog has been considered a valuable addition to online content since before even that. What am I supposed to do, while you go off doing real-life stuff? I mean, does anyone even talk about me anymore?

Me: Well, I don’t really talk about you outside of here, if I’m honest.

My Blog [seriously injured font] I knew it. You’re dumping me.

Me: I am not dumping you! I needed a bit of a break, is all.

My Blog: Not true. You proper left me for your new day job.

Me: On the contrary, I haven’t exactly committed to that relationship just yet.

My Blog: What, you mean you haven’t updated your LinkedIn profile?

Me: Precisely.

My Blog: [whiney font] But that doesn’t mean you haven’t abandoned me! Why can’t you write me every week like you used to?

Me: Well, for starters, I had a suspicion it was taking me away from my actual writing, My Blog. I mean, I hadn’t written any actual fiction for the guts of 12 months. But then I had 2 weeks off in between finishing the old day job and starting the new one. And do you know what I did?

My Blog: [sullen font] No.

Me: I finished a novel I had started in 2016, My Blog. That’s what I did. Instead of an unfinished story, I now have a completed first draft.

My Blog: [passive aggressive font] Congratulations. So?

Me: So a novel is something to work with, My Blog. It’s something that can go out into the world and, you know, network. Meet people.

My Blog: [indignant font] I am networking by definition, you daft eejit! Social networking!

Me: Yeah, but you’re one of a million, My Blog. There’s always a teeny tiny chance that a finished novel might turn into one IN a million.

My Blog: That is the most insulted I’ve been since someone compared me to a motoring blog.

Me: I really don’t understand how you can have such a thin skin, My Blog. I mean, you not only exist for the internet. You actually are the internet.

My Blog: I had dreams, blogdammit. I could’ve been a contender.

Me: Ah, you were, though, My Blog. You were a great contender. We’ve had some great times.

My Blog: I’m more than that, surely. Where else are you going to put the weirdest contents of your head, if not on your blog? I mean, where the hell are you going to put your snark? Your pathetic attempts at humour, and comic sketch-writing? Your imaginary conversations with inanimate concepts?

Me: But I never said I wasn’t going to blog, My Blog. I was just explaining why I haven’t, you know, been spending all my meagre available writing time updating you.

My Blog: [emotional blackmail font] You’re rejecting me. That’s what you’re doing.

Me: I’m not doing that at all, My Blog. And you know, you’re incredibly argumentative for an inanimate concept, I have to say. I’ve had better imaginary conversations.

My Blog: [resigned font] You try existing for the sole purpose of being a public receptacle for the dross from someone’s head, and tell me how it goes.

Me: Fair enough. I have to give you that one.

My Blog: So you’re not leaving me?

Me: No.

My Blog: But you’re not going to update me every week or two?

Me: Probably not. Not until I get settled into a new routine, anyway.

My Blog: But it’s not my fault?

Me: Not a bit.

My Blog: [wheedling font] Will you update me next week or the week after, though? Just in case?

Me: There’s a very good chance I will, yeah.

My Blog: Could you maybe… maybe just hold me for a minute?

Me: Oh my Blog. You are SO weird.

[A unique combination of ones and zeros embraces a keyboard with unquantifiable success]

 

THE END