Well, folks. I’ve been quiet for such a long time, but now lookit, everything has changed, again.
Even the good governments are saying it’s time for most people to start poking our scared little heads out of our hidey-holes, and say a bleary hello to the world outside.
But there’s a problem, ladies and gentlemen. After months of getting used to not being allowed to do anything because of COVID-19… now we’re frightened of being allowed to do stuff.
Going outside is scary. Travelling around or to a built-up area is scarier. Interacting with people we don’t know well, or at all, is TERRIFYING.
We’ve forgotten how to be. What do we say? What do we NOT say? How do people behave when they’re not on a video call??
Plus, personal responsibility is a dangerous thing to be depending on. We don’t know who to trust, and suspect we should be trusting nobody at all. How can we relate to this cowardly new world where fear reigns, and yet we’re expected to once again interact with people we’re neither living with, nor related to?
Why, with cynicism and humour, of course.
And as always, I’m here to help you with the Post-Lockdown Chat Bingo card.
This exclusive, free-to-all Bingo Card gives you two choices, ladies and gentlesirs.
The most terrified of us can use it as a conversation cheat sheet. The Bingo card contains no (okay, very little) rhetoric which is liable to detonate any of today’s various conversational or societal bombs*, so is safe to use for the most squeamish of political ostriches.
However, I would suggest that you go for Option no. 2, and instead, play it like a proper Bingo card, and use it as a humorous reminder of the most inane side of human interaction which we all just had a lovely break from (except for those who lived the last 2 months entirely on social media).
It’s also a handy training tool to remind us that we will no longer be solely interacting with people in the virtual sense. A good test of your fitness to re-enter society will be if you’re capable of hearing an entire Bingo line of inanity without rolling your eyes ONCE.
Horizontal, vertical, diagonal, the possibilities are endless! [I know, I know… shut up, mathematicians]
And so, without further ado, it’s time to play……………….
*See how I’m commenting without commenting? See? You’ve enough signs/articles/news showing you that the world is going to hell in a handbasket, you don’t need me to tell you. I know you’re only here for the LOLZ, and to be honest, I don’t blame you one bit.
Tara Sparling writes 
Nope. You can’t spend all that time telling me older adults are going to die/not get a ventilator/not survive a ventilator and otherwise throwing us under the bus, and then tell me it’s okay to go outside with the yahoos (Jonathan Swift variety) who think it’s okay to spit in someone’s face.
I’m staying in my hidey hole and writing until there’s a vaccine. Period. Full stop.
You all first.
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Well, I did say most people, Alicia… sadly our ‘cocooners’ this side of the water, the elder community and those vulnerable for health reasons, aren’t having restrictions lifted any time soon. They are allowed some masked and gloved visitors now, though, which should be a boon to anyone with a Zorro fetish.
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Just don’t forget us, okay?
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I promise!
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Hi Tara (runs over and hugs because we can do that in social media;)) Yup, very much with you, am nervous, Mum said the same to me ‘do you find it a bit scary that now it’s just left to us?’ And I do. Although the ads on the radio are telling us to still stay home as much as possible, I find myself thinking, anywhere within the county, really … ooh!! We’ve had a very easy lockdown compared to most people I know, kids are fine being home, himself is fine working from home and we’re out in the middle of nowhere. Our thing really is that all my family is in a different county and I do envy people who can social distance with theirs. I have realised we’re very put of touch with city people on this though, we’re very much ‘ooh wow, there’s a person!’ And the weekly shopping is very much a source of ridiculous excitement!! I am very aware that the library is opening today and I’m definitely making a plan to get there in the next few weeks!Good to ‘see’ you Tara, great post! X
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Great to be back I have to say… from the safety of a laptop screen! Like you I’ve been in the country and separated from my family and I’m pleased I might see them in June now instead of July, although going back to Dublin is a different matter altogether. In the meantime, I couldn’t give a toss about getting the virus, I’m just petrified of giving it to anyone else.
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My new slogan is “I’m loving lockdown” I’m also ignoring the guilt.
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Sounds like the best foot forward to me, Lucinda. If we’re among those lucky enough to be happy at home, why change it?
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Pretty certain I’ll be yelling Bingo! very soon. Which is nice because it’s less offensive than what I was going to be yelling. I laughed out loud at ‘no contact judo’ then I remembered a friend telling me he’d been doing ‘virtual’ martial arts classes for the last few months and so I cried a bit instead…
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Well, my job here is done, James. Once I achieve that specific stage of despair where the tears and laughter come at the same time, I can lay down my pen and have a good scream. Thank you.
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I am in no hurry to rejoin the outside world… not until the all clear anyway!
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You’re absolutely right! What’s the rush? (Unless the last 3 months have been a helltrap in one’s own home, obviously…)
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Luckily, I like my own company…and my garden!
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Reblogged this on Anita Dawes & Jaye Marie ~ Authors.
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Where I live, the only problem is now that there are people out and about doing exercisey things on bikes and their feet, greater in number than there ever were before being locked up, so it’s probably less safe for me to go out now than it was.
I am looking forward to them rediscovering their love of Netflix and potato crisps and not actively resisting being forced to stay in so I can go out again.
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I bet you they’re doing it smugly as well, Bear. Exercise is a 2-edged sword, and that’s not even including the heavy breathing. Social media needs to start promoting junk food and couches again.
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They are… and families out cycling? Mum and Dad look smug then as they know they’ll be having a nice, quiet wine o’clock from about three in the afternoon until tomorrow once they’ve made the poor little blighters ride their tiny bikes for 30 miles.
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🤣 Whatever gets you through, eh?!
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Darn it Sparling i am about to post on this need to be brave stuff and you go and do it better and with sodding bingo. Is there no justice? Actually that’s pretty inappropriate. Soz. Good to metaphorically sneeze over your post mind. Glad you’re in good shape and look forward to seeing what happens if they ever tried putting your sense of humour into an induced coma… personally I’m having a peachy lockdown in gritty south London, wearing a ski mask and walking in the road. Been bloody weird, hearing bird song and seeing our local drug dealer try and hand sanitise his sachets but with the schools out all those ego tractors are off the streets and the trains run on time… i dont catch the. Natch. Just set my watch by them.
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There’s no such thing as inappropriate on this blog, Geoff, surely you know that!! Thanks for calling me in good shape, but my trousers disagree. I’m really impressed by your local drug dealer’s civic-mindedness. Just goes to show there’s hope for all the criminals. Politicians next? Or does that only come after the coma….
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Perhaps it’s about time our elected numpties came out if their own little coma…
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But why would they, when it’s so cosy for them in there?
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Glad you had the foresight to produce this handy chart, Tara… I was socially awkward before lockdown, but never will be again, now! On a serious note, the next few weeks do worry me, with shielding a vulnerable immuno-compromised child. I am shocked at how so many people seem to have thrown all caution to the wind and given up social distancing altogether already… no hand or trolley disinfection on entering or leaving a shop, and standing really close while you unearth something from a freezer, I mean, sorry I’m spoiling your life by holding you up a few seconds! Whoever thought afew months ago that the weekly food shop would become such a dangerous lifethreatening activity? 😄
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I can only imagine, Ali. You guys have been on my mind, every time another person decides to rub up against me in a bloody shop, let alone all those stories of holier-than-thou people scaring the lives out of children whose parents had no other choice but to bring them into a shop and got shouted at for something that wasn’t their fault. Honestly, if a crisis didn’t bring out the best in people, it would only bring out the worst. Hope things ease up for you and Carys, and people cop the **** on!!!
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Absolutely! And here’s to a new improved ‘normal’! Take care of yourself and your loved ones. X
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I always found it scary to be up against too many people, anyway. They could be extraterrestrials. And, yes it could always be worse somewhere else (bingo on America). But there is no bingo on baking here in the US. Too many people thought they would take up baking at home and now there is no yeast. Along with no toilet paper. Do the Irish have any to spare of either one? One good thing about everyone staying at home — seismologists have determined that the Earth is not shaking as much anymore.
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I believe we have yeast, Stanley, I’ll send some over by carrier pigeon. Our baking deficiencies seem to be confined to parchment/greaseproof paper and flour. Seems we’ve been hooked on the sweet stuff rather than the bread. I’m sure there’s a metaphor in there somewhere. In the meantime, stay away from the extraterrestrials but be kind to the aliens 😉
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After all the “bad” government in the US, nobody knows what’s going on, which is why 1/2 of us are still staying home and 1/2 of us are shoulder to assuming there’s no virus at all. Add the socially wonderful (virally terrible) protests on top of that, I’m going to be home for another year… playing bingo. Be well, Tara.
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If that’s the case, I suppose the least I can do is come up with more bingo cards for the cause!! It’s such a weird, trying, awkward time, Diana. I’m observing the vast majority of what’s going on with disbelief. It’s no accident I didn’t blog for weeks, it’s hard to see the funny side of the worst behaviour. Keep safe and mind yourself x
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My blogging has slowed down since I don’t want to depress everyone! And can’t focus. But I do look for the laughs – they help. A Lot!
And cute animal posts. Lol
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