How to Know If You’re A Cop In A Crime Novel

Earlier, we had How To Know If You’re A Chick-Lit Heroine.

But you are categorically not a Chick-Lit character. You know this to be true, because you’re so much darker than that. You feel  you’re much more closely aligned to a thrilling, mysterious, dangerous situation. The sort of thing you find in crime novels, or thrillers. You’ve even got your own personalised title and everything.

So, you find yourself wondering: could you be the hero in a sinister, twisted universe? Are you – yes, you there! – a cop?

Borrowed from my "Book Covers Are Judging Me" post

Borrowed from my “Book Covers Are Judging Me” post

12 Ways To Determine If You’re A Cop In A Crime Novel

1.  Your middle name is either ridiculous, or a closely-guarded secret.

2.  You struggle daily with deep-rooted trauma due to the death or disappearance of your

a) Wife

b) Daughter

c) Sister

d) Mother

e) Girlfriend

f) [Insert Female Victim Here]

3.  You have a keen and deep-rooted sense of self-loathing, which manifests itself in self-deprecating and yet uncommonly witty one-liners, particularly when you’re speaking to more senior colleagues.

4.  Your entire life’s labours work towards resolution of deep-rooted trauma due to the death or disappearance of your

a) Wife

b) Daughter

c) Sister

d) Mother

e) Girlfriend

f) [Insert Female Victim Here]

5.  You drink too much.

6.  You don’t drink at all. Even one drink would make everyone think you are an alcoholic.

7.  You are an incurable insomniac who sleeps a lot during the day.

8.  Murder victims always remind you of your

a) Wife

b) Daughter

c) Sister

d) Mother

e) Girlfriend

f) [Insert Female Victim Here]

… who died or disappeared some time ago.

9.  You have an above-average cultural knowledge. Few of your colleagues realise it, but despite your rough exterior, you are an undisputed expert in art, poetry, philosophy, Japanese feudalism, or ethnic food.

10.  You despair at the ubiquitous depravity of the human race, whilst secretly hoping for redemption for yourself and everybody else who resides down there in the dark with you.

11.  If said redemption were ever to occur, you would subconsciously sabotage it, because the scars just run too deep from the death or disappearance of your

a) Wife

b) Daughter

(oh for Christ’s sake, we get it! – Ed.)

12.  When all is said and done, you are married to your job, and the whole world – especially its women – is in love with you for it.

****************************

Well, then. How did you score?

0/12:             You are female. Or gay (but not both)

1-11/12:       You are the hero of either a John Connolly or a Michael Connelly novel. Either will do really. Pick the one which aligns most closely with your general appetite for violence.

12/12:          You are Alex Cross (written by someone other than James Patterson, even though his name appears on the front cover)

4/12, plus some starlings, an accent, and a glad eye:   You have been watching too much True Detective.

 

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  34 comments for “How to Know If You’re A Cop In A Crime Novel

  1. June 3, 2014 at 11:03 am

    I can live with John Connolly or Michael Connelly novel… 2/12

    Like

    • June 3, 2014 at 11:38 am

      As long as you’re sure you can live with it… Where they’re concerned, many die!

      Like

  2. June 3, 2014 at 12:13 pm

    Under (9) you might want to add: “Your taste in music is confined to a) Iron Maiden or b) Wagner (but never both of course).”

    Like

  3. June 3, 2014 at 1:22 pm

    I love your posts. Very observant, and very funny 🙂

    Like

    • June 3, 2014 at 4:35 pm

      Thanks Alison 🙂 There’s nowt wrong with pointing a finger at stereotypes and yet loving them at the same time!

      Like

  4. June 3, 2014 at 4:11 pm

    Lol!!!!! Too scarily true…

    Like

    • June 3, 2014 at 4:37 pm

      I knew you were a cop, Jan. You couldn’t fool me 😉

      Like

  5. June 3, 2014 at 8:40 pm

    You forgot the office. Depending on the era, it is either in 1930s Los Angeles and has a stained desk with a bottle of Jack Daniels in the drawer and an unpaid wisecracking secretary in reception/or open plan and several floors up in 1970s New Scotland Yard with a multitude of stained desks and some long haired men in flares being sick in a bucket/ or in the fragrant quietness of an Oxford new build with dead bodies being stockpiled in the car park.

    Like

    • June 4, 2014 at 10:32 am

      I’m far too caught up in that vivid and somewhat noxious imagery to even make a wisecrack. It’s brilliant! Perhaps you should pass me the bucket to my left… oh, wait a minute! My desk is stained!

      Like

  6. johanna buchanan
    June 4, 2014 at 10:22 am

    I think I’m Inspector Morse. What should I do now?

    Like

    • June 4, 2014 at 10:34 am

      You need a sidekick – IMMEDIATELY. Quick – what are you waiting for? Just make sure it’s not someone who’s going to spin off into his own series and leave you hanging!

      Like

      • johanna buchanan
        June 4, 2014 at 11:25 am

        Good thinking Batwoman. I’m on the case!

        Like

  7. June 4, 2014 at 4:36 pm

    I’m into Chris Brookmyre — going to hear him talk at the Borders Book Festival next week. He has a rather novel take on a cop, a rather novel take on a number of aspects of his plots. Sometimes I think, ‘Ugh! no more, too much gore and unthinkable stuff,’ but can’t seem to put the book down.

    Like

    • June 4, 2014 at 9:32 pm

      That’s the only measure of a good thriller, is it not! Enjoy the Borders Festival – that sounds great!

      Like

  8. June 9, 2014 at 11:21 am

    What the score for amateur, elderly sleuths? ‘Cos I think I’m Miss Marple.

    Like

    • June 9, 2014 at 12:08 pm

      Ah, but Miss Marple wasn’t a cop, you see. I may deal with the unbridled coincidence of the amateur sleuths happening on untold numbers of murders in a later post 😉

      Liked by 1 person

      • June 10, 2014 at 10:21 pm

        Ah I see, my mistake. I’ll wait for that post (just don’t describe my life in too much detail :P)

        Like

  9. June 30, 2015 at 2:04 am

    Wow. My first published book series had all of this. At least I know I’m on the right track.

    Liked by 1 person

    • June 30, 2015 at 12:16 pm

      Well, either you are, or I am – Hopefully we’re both happy about it!

      Like

  10. November 5, 2015 at 12:32 pm

    Ha ha – fantastic 😀

    Liked by 2 people

  11. November 5, 2015 at 1:01 pm

    Hilarious!

    Like

  12. November 10, 2015 at 2:45 pm

    A cop…. or a private eye, as in… Galbraith/Rowling. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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