How in Blog’s name is anyone supposed to sell a book nowadays, when 33,000 other books will be released on the same day as yours? The answer is to look for patterns. Unfortunately, this has global consequences… much like reading this blog on an empty stomach.
Once upon a time, a blogger couldn’t find anything she wanted to read. So she did the unthinkable, and asked the good citizens of the internet for advice. This is about the only time this year you’re going to get a happy ending to a real-life story involving social media and human beings, so you may as well read what happened next.
In what will resound through the world as a shock move, I divide this post in two to ask: when is a 5-star review not a 5-star review, and why should they be banned? Then I attempt to completely subvert the laws of physics by asking you for ADVICE. Pop something bubbly. This may never happen again.
You’re on every book cover. You’re the same woman, with different hair. But I cannot relate to you, and neither can anyone else. You are annoying me. And so I write this open letter to you, 20-year-old faceless girl who does not represent either me or the characters who speak beneath your covers.
It is a little-known fact that the old trope of a piano falling on someone’s head was inspired by every Irish person ever who felt proud of themselves for even five minutes. In this post I deal with misplaced pride, indie publishing scams, bogus bestsellers, my difficult childhood, and why if you want to be original, you should never read anything written by anyone else. Ever.
Have you ever read a book and thought – there’s something not quite right here, but I can’t put my finger on it, so I might just go and watch that thing everyone’s been talking about on Netflix instead? Me too. And as usual, I’ve been looking for people to blame. You’re welcome.
I want to blow my mind with a book, but the publishing world is consistently offering me the literary equivalent of aspirin. Unfortunately, what I want doesn’t seem to fit into those narrow marketing categories which now dictate everything we read. Don’t they know that the biggest blockbusters of the last few decades didn’t fit in either, and that’s kind of the bloody point?
I’m always banging on about book marketing and book sales, the good and the bad, the glaringly obvious and the borderline insane. But if this blog were a book, how would I sell it? Would I be able to sell it at all? Of course I wouldn’t. In other news, the blog gets new pants.
Dear Mister Publisher, I have written the best book. My book will be bigger than the bible. It will make cynics laugh, optimists cry, and toast. Before he died, David Bowie said he wished he had written it. Anyone who does not want to read my book is a potential terrorist.
In the third and final part of ‘what the hell is a book blurb and how am I supposed to write one’, we explore the genres of Short Stories – from both famous and less famous authors; Self-Help, and Literary Fiction. Sort of.
