10 Exciting New Ways To Get Offended Which Didn’t Exist 10 Years Ago

10 Exciting New Ways To Get Offended Which Didn’t Exist 10 Years Ago

 

1. You follow someone but they don’t follow you back.

Imagine this conversation 10 years ago:

“Like, I followed her, but she never followed me back. What’s up with that?”

The answer to that just one short decade ago would have been one or more of the following:

(a) “Oh my God, are you stalking somebody?”

(b) “I don’t get it. If you’re following someone, how the hell can they follow you?”

(c) “WTF are you talking about?”

And yet nowadays, not following someone back is considered very decent grounds for deep emotional injury.

We live in exciting times, my friends.

2. Someone you will never meet is wrong.

Once upon a time, the world was full of people who got things wrong, and we never knew about it. Now we feel it incumbent upon ourselves to take them out and shoot them. Metaphorically, of course. Because killing people is wrong. Right?

3. Someone you will never meet says something nasty about a group of people you have also never met, but with whom you vaguely identify.

You know when you open the doors to the Internet? You know, the big blue ones? And the first thing you notice is a gang of people slinging mud at each other indiscriminately?

This is one of my absolute favourites, especially when the subject of their ire is ridiculous. Please see all online arguments referencing books, writing, and self-publishing for details.

4. Someone you will never meet disagrees with something you say.

You miss the olden days, you really do. The days when you said something out loud, whereupon someone in your company might have started looking shifty and uncomfortable, before endeavouring to point out in a broadly polite fashion that their opinion was markedly different from yours, at which point both of you (barring a flatmate I had once) would sense an immediate requirement to retire the subject and discuss puppies instead.

But today is different. Today you must have a keyboard fight to the death, and draw in as many people as possible while you’re at it. Oh, the fun we have! THE FUN WE HAVE. SERIOUSLY.

10 Exciting New Ways To Get Offended Which Didn’t Exist 10 Years Ago

5. You write to someone you have never before met or spoken to, and they don’t reply.

You can’t BELIEVE that you took 97 seconds out of your time to copy and paste a direct message to Sorta Famous asking them to do that thing for you and they didn’t even have the courtesy to reply! You hate them now. They are dead to you. Except for when you take the opportunity to slag them off in public. Rotters.

6. A famous person you look up to destroys your hopes and dreams, by breaking up with someone.

You just *sob* can’t get over, like *deep shuddering breath* the fact that she didn’t even TRY *unattractive snorting noise* to keep it together with [Brad/the band/that co-star she was never really seeing anyway].

Like, *guttural cry* why??? WHY??? What are you supposed to believe in, now that love/music/the fantasy is gone?? Life is so *nose-blow* pointless. And it’s all HER fault. She destroyed EVERYTHING.

7. Your closest friend makes a public declaration about something you didn’t know.

So Mary got engaged in Paris! Great news! Except she never texted you… and by the time you saw it on Facebook/Instagram, it had been liked by 392 people, 362 of whom you’ve never even heard of.

What is Mary trying to tell you? Are you not friends anymore? Have you been – gulp – ghosted?

She’s just like all the others. A ring on her stupid finger, and she’s so caught up with her stupid wedding that she’s gone and dumped one of her oldest and closest friends.

You hate Mary.

8. Someone you dislike is more popular with people neither of you know.

You met John in your first year at school, but haven’t seen him even once since you left. And sure, John was always really great at sport, and has those funny videos about him kicking what looks like a live cow, but is actually an art installation made out of ice-cream sticks by his Uncle Bob.

But John’s also an asshole. Why can’t people see through him online? Why are people so stupid? Can’t they see that he’s just an attention-seeking bully who used to make fun of kids for wearing the wrong SHOES?

It’s not fair that John has 3,405 more followers than you. It’s downright offensive, is what it is.

10 Exciting New Ways To Get Offended Which Didn’t Exist 10 Years Ago

9. Someone you know very well is pretending to be something they’re not.

Last night, you and Jane sat in, watching a marathon of The Week In Politics. You shared a packet of chocolate digestives and a large bar of Turkish Delight. She talked about having a bath, but decided against it. You had a good laugh over the guy from the Opposition, whose face looked like someone had slapped him hard while he was tonguing a salt lick.

This morning Jane posted 14 pictures on Instagram of her first in the gym, then out clubbing in a dress she doesn’t own, with the hashtags  #WorkHardPlayHard   #HangoverFromHell   #WeirdestNightEver   #DidIReallyGetNaked and #OnlyBoringPeopleStayIn.

Tonight’s going to be awkward.

10. Hundreds of people you don’t know react to something you say, but your best friend doesn’t.

It isn’t often you get to post genuinely good news! But winning that prize at the county show for Most Suggestively Shaped Vegetable is the highlight of your year so far. And the picture of you holding that carrot is just gold! No wonder it got 842 likes.

Except not from Joe. Joe couldn’t even bring himself to say congratulations. And you KNOW he was online because he left that comment on Chuck’s GIF about surfing in the Sahara.

Screw Joe. You never liked him anyway.

***

Disclaimer: The Internet is an equal opportunities offender. All insults are made on the basis of generalisation and bias. The Internet is not responsible for greater offence taken due to pre-existing conditions of paranoia, insecurity or questionable past trauma. Please handle offence carefully and keep away from ire.

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  102 comments for “10 Exciting New Ways To Get Offended Which Didn’t Exist 10 Years Ago

  1. September 12, 2017 at 7:24 am

    Number 9 sounds like a really good night in to me, but I probably shouldn’t really admit to that.

    Liked by 2 people

    • September 12, 2017 at 8:56 am

      You probably shouldn’t Lucy, but stranger things have buoyed political careers.

      Liked by 1 person

    • September 12, 2017 at 9:13 am

      I’m with Lucy! Thank goodness I never really wanted to go into politics anyway.

      Liked by 1 person

      • September 12, 2017 at 9:22 am

        Hurrah! Bring out the biscuits and turkish delight and we shall binge watch a load of politics. Perfect.

        Liked by 2 people

      • September 12, 2017 at 9:30 am

        And because of your comment below, I’m never liking this comment. Just sayin’.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. September 12, 2017 at 7:53 am

    Tara you cracked me.

    I mean, aren’t re lucky? I don’t see how we could get insulted only 10 years ago, so few occasions for it. Now? How exciting is it? You can get personally offended by anything and anyone that have no connection with us. Do you see that this could be ANYTHING at all? The possibilities we now have that we never deamed of only few years ago!

    I suppose this is what they call ‘the freedom of the net’. This is EVOLUTION, my friend.

    Liked by 1 person

    • September 12, 2017 at 8:57 am

      And we’re at the absolute pinnacle of it, Sarah! Only full-on warfare could surpass this level of feeling. It’s a proud day.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. September 12, 2017 at 7:57 am

    Reblogged this on anita dawes and jaye marie.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. September 12, 2017 at 7:58 am

    Makes you wonder how most of us get any work done at all, doesn’t it?

    Liked by 1 person

  5. September 12, 2017 at 8:34 am

    Our addiction to social media certainly has a lot to blame for our surface feelings.

    Liked by 1 person

    • September 12, 2017 at 8:58 am

      And quite a lot of deeper ones too, I suspect, Rosie…

      Like

  6. September 12, 2017 at 8:45 am

    Yes, yep, uhuh, yup, yeah and what? Number 6. I just don’t relate to that at all… Hang on, let me recalibrate for blokeishness:
    “A football team you follow vicariously because you live 60 miles away from your home city and can’t summon the petrol money, extortionate ticket price or vague enthusiasm to sit in the cold watching another abject performance despite supporting them all your life destroys your hopes and dreams by getting relegated. Again.”
    Ah, there you go. [sob].

    Liked by 2 people

    • September 12, 2017 at 8:50 am

      Coventry City FC, by the way, if anyone was wondering. Once practically permanent members of the top flight, now a sickly outfit stuck in the bottom division and holding the record for the longest wait for a promotion (last one was in 1967) and owned by an uncaring hedge fund called SISU – oh yeah, check out the internet hate for them!

      Liked by 1 person

    • September 12, 2017 at 9:00 am

      See? There I go again, stirring up feelings. ALL the feelings. I don’t know why I have this knack. I really don’t. Regarding Coventry City, I can confirm I definitely heard of them once.

      Liked by 1 person

    • September 12, 2017 at 9:01 am

      PS. All hedge funds are actually fuelled by hate, online or otherwise. Just thought you should know.

      Liked by 1 person

      • September 12, 2017 at 9:15 am

        Dammit. Why didn’t we know this ten years ago when they bought us, saving us from going into administration? We thought they were saviours but they were just hate-filled money grabbers. And this is why my cat is sad.

        Liked by 2 people

        • September 12, 2017 at 10:41 am

          As long as your cat isn’t highly leveraged and divided up into various investment vehicles, you’ll be fine.

          Liked by 1 person

          • September 12, 2017 at 11:52 am

            Hmm. I may need to check. He can be a secretive bugger at times. I keep telling him about the need for financial transparency but he doesn’t listen.

            Liked by 1 person

  7. September 12, 2017 at 9:14 am

    Tara, I left a comment (in response to Lucy) 10″ ago and you still haven’t responded, not even to Like my comment. Why do you hate me? WHY???

    Liked by 3 people

    • September 12, 2017 at 9:29 am

      Why do I hate you, Nicholas? Well, it’s because with that comment, you won the internet. You cad.

      Liked by 3 people

  8. September 12, 2017 at 9:24 am

    The title alone is brilliant! I might share this to f*ceb**k just to see how many people I offend 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • September 12, 2017 at 10:41 am

      Do please let me know the tally, Donna. I’m not saying I’m keeping score, I’m just counting everything.

      Liked by 3 people

  9. September 12, 2017 at 10:24 am

    Reblogged this on Chris The Story Reading Ape's Blog.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. September 12, 2017 at 10:57 am

    I love this post, thank you for making me laugh and it’s still the morning! Now I’ve followed you so what are you going to do about that!
    Have a great day 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • September 12, 2017 at 11:46 am

      You’re more than welcome, Steph. Although my day will only be complete if I manage to offend someone else. If I don’t follow you back by the end of the day, will you oblige?! 😉

      Liked by 1 person

      • September 12, 2017 at 12:23 pm

        Obviously 😂😂😂

        Liked by 1 person

      • September 13, 2017 at 11:43 am

        Hmmmm… I can see we are going to be falling out ….. I gave you 24 hours and still nothing. Now I’m going to have to stalk you for offending me … 😉
        Have a great day… (Damn I’ve gone and spoilt it now !)

        Liked by 1 person

        • September 13, 2017 at 12:21 pm

          Somebody’s got to keep you on your toes, Steph. Besides, I’m up to my tonsils here, causing offence. I did get notification of someone who was offended by the actual post. I’m re-checking the definition of irony as we speak.

          Liked by 1 person

  11. September 12, 2017 at 11:37 am

    I can’t help thinking… ‘Was it for this?’

    Liked by 1 person

    • September 12, 2017 at 11:47 am

      Well, there’s where you went wrong, Evie. Thinking on the internet. Wherever did you get that notion?

      Liked by 1 person

  12. September 12, 2017 at 11:52 am

    Why only ten? I guess I can blame Letterman for that or are you saving even better ones for the inevitable and no doubt more successful follow on post. Now I hate myself for wanting to read that second post of reasons I can’t even think of yet. I applaud your success.

    Liked by 1 person

    • September 12, 2017 at 1:53 pm

      Hmmm. If you put it that way, Armen, why only twenty? I could just make the entire blog a series of lists about offence and the offended. Then anybody who comments about being offended will in turn be transformed into a blog post, until I eventually subsume the entire world into this blog. Seems a decent enough proposition. Leave it with me.

      Liked by 1 person

  13. September 12, 2017 at 12:41 pm

    I hate that people who speak to me very little in real life speak to me a LOT on the internet. Oh wait, I take that back (sorry).

    Liked by 1 person

    • September 12, 2017 at 1:53 pm

      You can’t take it back, Liberty. It’s the internet, remember? Only good things are forgotten.

      Liked by 2 people

  14. September 12, 2017 at 12:56 pm

    I’m going to re-blog this – can’t resist. But of course in another 10 years, we won’t have to worry, because we’ll be down to a total of 10 words, all the others will now mean something offensive to someone else somewhere else and we’ll all be securely muzzled. I don’t even have the courage in the here and now to list some of them

    Liked by 2 people

    • September 12, 2017 at 1:59 pm

      Well, I could go around trying not to offend people, Lucinda, but I dread finding myself deprived of a good laugh. I will go to my grave chanting the same mantra. “You have the right to free speech. You do not have the right to be liked or respected for what you say.”

      Liked by 2 people

      • September 12, 2017 at 3:49 pm

        But I’ve seen on the news people getting locked up and fined for saying things and I’m sitting there asking “What was wrong with that? Why did it upset anyone?” honestly I wouldn’t last 5 minutes in UK without getting locked up and that’s despite the fact I would never be deliberately offensive to anyone. Ther is just so much PC nonsense these days … ‘Have you heard the one about the Irishman who climbed a ladder …” It’s OK Tara, I’m Irish too 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

        • September 12, 2017 at 6:18 pm

          The UK never struck me as either particularly prone to getting offended or locking people up, I have to say… we must be watching different news!

          Seems to me there’s as much anti-PC nonsense as actual PC nonsense these days. But hey, look on the bright side – we’ve finally achieved true equality in something!

          Liked by 1 person

  15. September 12, 2017 at 12:57 pm

    Reblogged this on lucinda E Clarke and commented:
    I just couldn’t resist passing this on.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. September 12, 2017 at 1:34 pm

    Your best. I am truly offended that you wrote this without checking to see if I had written something similar. (I haven’t, dammit. Once again, I wish I had.) Brilliant, Tara!

    Liked by 1 person

    • September 12, 2017 at 2:00 pm

      Your offendedness flatters me, Melodie. I’m uncharacteristically humbled by your kind words. 😉

      Like

  17. September 12, 2017 at 1:44 pm

    This is truly an inspired post, because you are right–so right. I feel so less jealous than I did a minute ago.
    It is funny how we interpret things in the digital age. Now when we call, if the person doesn’t answer (because we expect them to be glued to their phone) we think we are being screened.

    Liked by 1 person

    • September 12, 2017 at 2:29 pm

      It’s social pressure of an entirely new kind, Anthony, that’s for certain. I might make a joke of it, but what I don’t find funny is the millions of young people walking around in permanent states of social anxiety because of online nonsense. At least I’m old enough to laugh at it.

      Liked by 1 person

  18. September 12, 2017 at 1:49 pm

    Dang, and I nearly won that suggestive vegetable competition

    Liked by 2 people

    • September 12, 2017 at 2:29 pm

      You’ll never beat a carrot with a courgette, Lorna. That’s what I always say.

      Like

  19. September 12, 2017 at 1:52 pm

    Genius.
    I don’t know how long you spent, but the thing about really funny rants like this (verbal or written) is that they may have taken months to craft but always come off sounding effortless!
    If I tried this subject starting from the same title, I’d take three times the space and produce perhaps two mild grins in the average reader.
    It’s just the latest really good reason for me to hate you. And I can’t wait for the next one.

    Liked by 1 person

    • September 12, 2017 at 2:31 pm

      Truthfully, Will, this one really didn’t take that long. Probably because I had been subconsciously writing it in my head for about three years. All I have to do is open up the internet and – BANG! Ridiculousness to be ridiculed. It’s too easy, really.

      I appreciate your hatred, by the way. I’d been running a bit low on my own.

      Liked by 1 person

  20. September 12, 2017 at 2:23 pm

    Brilliant, Tara. I love how you reduce the critical social elements of daily life to pure ridiculousness. Ha ha ha.

    Liked by 1 person

    • September 12, 2017 at 2:32 pm

      Appears to be my thing, Diana. Dubious, non-income-generating life skills…

      Liked by 3 people

  21. September 12, 2017 at 2:38 pm

    HaHaHa-Great blog! Unfortunately I have been guilty of a few of these. They seem so petty when you read them here, puts them in perspective.

    Liked by 1 person

    • September 12, 2017 at 5:56 pm

      Well, we’re all guilty. Except for the worst offenders. They’re completely innocent.

      Liked by 1 person

  22. September 12, 2017 at 3:08 pm

    This is just the kind of offensive drivel I have come to expect from you, blogger from another part of the world who I’ve never met. You know, I’m going to stew about this day and then come back to it later when I’ve crafted a response that will perfectly express just how terribly incensed I am about this post. Then I’m going to ruin your reputation online, at least with those 4 people who care at all what I think. I mean really, Tara, how do you even live with this much obvious wrong thought in your brain?

    Liked by 1 person

    • September 12, 2017 at 3:08 pm

      I assume it goes without saying, but in this day and age you never know, so… 😉

      Liked by 1 person

    • September 12, 2017 at 5:58 pm

      I know Sarah, it’s a burden, being this right all the time. You don’t have to tell me. But even if you did, you’d be wrong, because I’m right. Right? At least you know my sense of humour is impervious to subtlety. 😀

      Liked by 1 person

  23. September 12, 2017 at 3:38 pm

    So true! And also a bit funny and a bit sad :/

    Liked by 1 person

    • September 12, 2017 at 5:59 pm

      I HAVE ACHIEVED ONLINE NIRVANA! You’ve made my day, Lacey. A bit funny and a bit sad is pretty much my sweet spot, right there. And that’s no joke.

      Liked by 1 person

  24. September 12, 2017 at 6:55 pm

    I will say I would have been offended by number 7 even before the age of social media. If the kid who still picked his nose and ate it at age thirteen knows that my best friend got invited to the senior prom by Brad/lead singer in a band/most popular guy in school and my best friend didn’t tell me first about it, well that date isn’t going to end well.

    Liked by 1 person

    • September 12, 2017 at 10:47 pm

      I agree, Allie. I try not to get too specific in my posts, but the nose-picking social grapevine is an absolute deal breaker. Some things are just too offensive to be lampooned, even for me.

      Liked by 1 person

  25. September 12, 2017 at 6:56 pm

    Laughing at your article caused me offence. Just being funny, for FREE… How dare you!

    Liked by 1 person

    • September 12, 2017 at 10:49 pm

      You mean you offended YOURSELF? That is awe-inspiring, Al. A new level of expertise. I bow down before your stupendousness.

      Liked by 1 person

  26. September 13, 2017 at 2:59 am

    Love this, Tara! Thanks for the laughs. 🙂
    I found my way here via Lucinda. I’m now following your blog as well. Cheers!

    Liked by 1 person

  27. Lee
    September 13, 2017 at 4:28 am

    Astoundingly funny, and sad at the same time. Good piece!

    Liked by 1 person

    • September 13, 2017 at 12:15 pm

      Thanks, Lee. More smile-inducing than frown-inducing I hope…

      Like

      • Lee
        September 13, 2017 at 6:01 pm

        Humour is sometimes the best way of getting the truth out there.

        Liked by 1 person

  28. A.S. Akkalon
    September 13, 2017 at 8:50 am

    I agree. The human race has become ridiculous. We should scrap it and start over, perhaps with hamsters.

    Liked by 2 people

    • September 13, 2017 at 12:19 pm

      This idea appeals to me very much. And not just because of the wheels, either.

      Liked by 1 person

  29. September 13, 2017 at 1:05 pm

    Funny, in a scary way. I love the way you just bring it all out in the forefront here. Here’s to renewed civility and a lot more security within ourselves as we continue to share on social media

    Liked by 1 person

    • September 13, 2017 at 3:50 pm

      Funny and scary also makes me extremely happy, roughwighting. Thank you. I like the idea of renewed civility, but even if we have to settle for fewer histrionics I’d be happy.

      Liked by 2 people

  30. September 13, 2017 at 1:47 pm

    Reblogged this on Postcard from a Pigeon and commented:
    Hilarious and insightful observations by Tara Sparling in tarasparlingwrites.com

    Liked by 1 person

    • September 13, 2017 at 3:51 pm

      Thanks, Dermott! Love the blog name. Your pigeon sounds well-travelled.

      Liked by 1 person

      • September 13, 2017 at 4:34 pm

        Thanks, Tara. Unfortunately, for now, my travelling days are over. Postcard from a Pigeon is the name of a book of short stories I published a few years ago. I always liked the name. It’s good to hook up with another Irish blogger. I don’t seem to connect with them at all.

        Liked by 1 person

  31. September 13, 2017 at 2:11 pm

    The graphic of the little girl sitting on a rock is so perfect for this post. I love her. All this talk of non-reality reminds me of a creepy poem I heard when I was a child (thanks Mum) It used to scare the hell out of me. I’m writing from memory but it goes something like this: [last night as I climbed up the stair, I met a man who wasn’t there. He wasn’t there again today, I wish I wish he’d go away]

    How many internet friends can we say that about. Last night as I typed in my chair, I met some friends who’re never there. They’re never there on any day, I wish I wish they’d go away.

    Liked by 1 person

    • September 13, 2017 at 3:52 pm

      I love that, Veronica. A gorgeous update to an undeniably sad tale. Although I will say, if your wish is for certain online denizens to go away, I’d hardly call them ‘friends’ 😉

      Liked by 1 person

      • September 13, 2017 at 5:10 pm

        I rather meant ‘friend’ as in: I have four-thousand-three-hundred-and-twenty-six ‘Facebook friends’. Which is a bit of a stretch as I only have a couple of dozen. Who, by the way, send me pictures of their children and dogs but never comment on my blogs about art history. Why oh why? Art is so, not chopped liver. But I digress.

        I can recommend starting a conversation with: strangers a.k.a acquaintances, a.k.a. fellow writers online asking me to ‘like’ their books and Facebook pages, a.k.a. NON-friends… a.k.a. never to be forgotten friends because I don’t know who the hell they are friends, about lost paintings, Leonardo da Vinci or the Italian Renaissance in general.

        It’s a great device for making them disappear. Virtually or with real in-your-face atoms. Discussing art causes them to back up slowly with their eyes bugged out in some distress and scamper away, throwing parting words over their shoulder, similar to but not exactly, I have to: wash my hair, catch a bus (this said with their car keys dangling from their fingers), or the clincher: finish my novel. Fools. And they wanted me to be their FRIEND.

        That said, there’s no other way to express gratitude for your fabulous posts without liking you so many times. I’m going to wash my hair now.

        Liked by 1 person

        • September 13, 2017 at 10:08 pm

          The wonder of the modern age, Veronica – we make friends specifically to ignore them! That said, I’m much gratified by your kind words. I like the liking. It’s one of the better side effects of the net…

          Like

  32. September 13, 2017 at 6:12 pm

    Superb. So true and society doesn’t even notice. The Examiner put one of my articles on it’s facebook page recently. It was a very tongue in cheek article about dodgy meat and how I’d thought I’d killed my family. You should have read the comments. I’m waiting for social services to come to take me away! They were laugh out loud funny and all outrageously offended.

    Liked by 1 person

    • September 13, 2017 at 10:15 pm

      Good grief, Tric. There is such a sense of humour deficit with those most prone to becoming offended. They must be permanently exhausted. You have my sympathies, but just to cover all bases, I’m going to ring Joe Duffy about you tomorrow.

      Like

  33. September 13, 2017 at 10:39 pm

    Love the disclaimer.

    Liked by 1 person

    • September 14, 2017 at 11:22 am

      And they say people never read disclaimers, Hilary. Good on you 😉

      Like

  34. September 15, 2017 at 6:41 pm

    People getting angry makes me angry and it turns into a sort of anger feedback loop which can get very dangerous. I get angry with tangible objects, but with the advent of the internet I’m now plagued with a plethora of intangible annoyances too. Modern life is so stressful and that p****s me off as well.

    Liked by 1 person

    • September 16, 2017 at 3:22 pm

      I think you’re missing a trick, Chris. Do you know that by simply plugging your anger feedback loop into the national grid, you can generate more power than a small pig farm? With just a few adjustments, you could single-handedly save the environment and stop Brexit.

      Liked by 1 person

  35. September 19, 2017 at 1:31 pm

    Fabulous. I get number 5 to death. Lol. I enjoy your satire and truths within same.

    Like

    • September 19, 2017 at 2:46 pm

      Thank you, dramonovich, and the best of luck with your number 5s 😉

      Like

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