I Won The ABBA Funniest Blog Award So Here’s A Very Long, Odd Joke To Celebrate

Winner-Funniest-Blog

I WON A PRIZE! In London!! Which feels somehow better than a domestic one!! (Please see 800 years of confused and conflicted Irish history for details).

The Annual Bloggers’ Bash and Awards (ABBA) 2017 took place on Saturday 11th June in London, when the folks there announced I had won first place in the Funniest Blogger competition. I know it’s terribly clichéd, but I truly was gobsmacked. I did not expect this at all at all. So to celebrate, I would like now to perplex you.

You see, I wrote something which doesn’t fit anywhere other than on this blog. Sometimes things pour out of my head that have no discernible home ANYWHERE. And what is the point of having a blog, unless I can inflict them upon nice unsuspecting people like you?

Last week I got personal with the essay, in which I tackled my fears. This week I don’t know what I’ve written. It might be an essay. Or perhaps it’s a sketch. Then again, who cares?

Without further ado, this is what happens when I start thinking about the language of rhetoric. I hasten to add, this is not a comment about anything except SHOPPING. That is all. Thank you.

I Won The Funniest Blogger Award So Here's A Very Long Joke To Celebrate

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The Shopping Testament

 

In the beginning God created the high street and the mall. And the mall was in a barren outpost of town, but it was climate-controlled, and had plenty of easily navigable parking spaces, even for the drivers of urban SUVs. And the spirit of commerce moved upon the car parks and into the dark concourses of the mall.

God said, Let there be Light: and the Light was in Ikea, in a whole range of colours, except red, which is on re-order and will be here on Tuesday. And God called the light Årstid, and the darkness he called I Am Not Going There At This Hour On A Friday Night No Matter How Short The Queues Are And That Is Final. And the evening and the morning were covered by extended opening hours on Thursdays.

And God said, Let there be a Food Court in the midst of the Crossing, and let it divide the West Mall from the East, and the North Mall from the South. And God made the Food Court, which divided the Transepts from the Apse, with intermittent coffee stops in each Aisle for penitents who spent too much in M&S despite the vouchers they got for Christmas, and it was so. And God called the concourse Heaven. And the evening and the morning were enhanced by extended opening hours on Fridays.

Then He Said…

And God said, Let what is for sale be gathered together unto one place, and let the customers appear; and it was so. And God called the customers the Target Market, and the gathering together of the things for sale he called the Malls; and God saw that it was good, because of the reduction in overheads, which greatly reduced margins in the centre of Town.

And God said, Let the customers bring forth cash, for 100% satisfaction guaranteed, and the credit cards guaranteed after the cash has been divided from the customers, at an APR of 21.7%; and it was so. And the customers brought forth the cash, and the credit cards, and the annual percentage rates which fed the banks of commerce; and God saw that it was good.

Another Thing God Said

And God said, Let there be lights in the concourses and in the car parks of the malls to keep the day unto the night; and let them be for signs, and for window displays, for seasonal sales, and annual stocktake clearances: and it was so. And God made two great lights; the greater light to show the merchandise to its best advantage, and the lesser light to show the customers to their best advantage: he made the merchandise also.

And God said, let the malls bring forth the living creatures of all kinds, customers, and mystery shoppers, and servants of the malls each according to its kind: and it was so. And God made the servants and the customers and the mystery shoppers and every living thing that crept through the concourses each according to their own kind, and some who were of more than just the one kind, thus causing a few problems for Bill and Jane in Marketing regarding the segmentation of the Target Market; and God saw that it was good, for God did not work in Marketing.

Oh No He Didn’t

And God said, Let us make ourselves in the image of the models and celebrities, no matter our likeness: and let us have dominion over the servants of the mall, and over the merchandise, and over the credit cards and the cash, and over every creeping insecurity that creepeth upon us in the dark of night when the car parks are empty.

So we created ourselves in the image of the models and the celebrities, in the image of models and celebrities we created God; male and female we were segmented into Target Markets and made feel wanting.

And we felt blessed, as the models and celebrities said to us, be fruitful, and multiply your spending, and replenish your bank accounts, and subdue your fears: behold, we have instilled in you every unquenchable want, which is upon the face of all the earth: to it you shall be for meat.

And God saw every thing that he had made, and behold, it was very good. And thus the malls and the concourses were finished, and all the host of them. And on the seventh day God ended his work which he had made: but did not rest, for commerce was made good also by extended opening hours on Sundays.

Here endeth the post.

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  63 comments for “I Won The ABBA Funniest Blog Award So Here’s A Very Long, Odd Joke To Celebrate

  1. June 14, 2017 at 7:36 am

    🤣🤣🤣🤣 But seriously, CONGRATS! Glad to see my vote did not go to waste😋 You deserve it, you always bring a smile to my face (bark of laughter?)

    Liked by 1 person

  2. June 14, 2017 at 8:11 am

    Reblogged this on Anita Dawes & Jaye Marie.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. June 14, 2017 at 8:14 am

    Winning an award, usually means you have a lot to live up to… glad to see you have wasted no time at all proving WHY you won! Funniest post I have ever read!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. June 14, 2017 at 8:33 am

    And the god was Commerce. A Brilliant piece Tara.
    xxx Huge Hugs xxx

    Liked by 2 people

  5. June 14, 2017 at 8:36 am

    Congrats.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. June 14, 2017 at 9:14 am

    Congratulations on the Blogger award. Great posts x

    Liked by 1 person

  7. June 14, 2017 at 9:16 am

    Congrats again Tara and so so deserved.. you’re fab 😊 xxxx

    Liked by 1 person

  8. June 14, 2017 at 9:17 am

    Once again, well done and congratulations! p.s. Great post and please forgive my cheek for adding the following: ‘And on the Day after Christmas I looked, and there before me was a great multitude that no one could count, from every nation, tribe, people and language, pouring up and down the mall concourse and jamming up the escalators. They were wearing every variation on a Superdry coat and were holding 45 shopping bags in each hand. And they cried out in a loud voice: “My life will be worth nothing until I spend all I own on the best deals and biggest bargains, salvation is found in nothing else”‘. Thus endeth the revelation.

    Liked by 2 people

    • June 14, 2017 at 10:11 am

      No cheek at all, I love it!! Next stop, the apocalypse. Can’t WAIT. 😉

      Liked by 1 person

      • June 14, 2017 at 11:24 am

        I’m sorry but you have no choice BUT to wait and beware: ‘About that day or hour no one knows, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father. Be on guard! Be alert! You do not know when that time will come. If he comes suddenly, do not let him find you sleeping, or worse: bowing down at the shrine of commerce!’

        Liked by 1 person

  9. June 14, 2017 at 10:05 am

    Well done, you are officially awesome. (We knew it unofficially for ages).
    Shopping malls, aren’t they a huge pain in the arse? The bigger the shopping centre the less I want to shop.
    Maybe it’s a grumpy old man thing.

    Liked by 1 person

    • June 14, 2017 at 10:14 am

      I dunno, my babbity friend. I’m also an equal opportunities grump. I mean, I grump in all places and I don’t think it’s gender-specific. Good grief. Am I a grumpy old man, too?

      Liked by 1 person

      • June 14, 2017 at 1:57 pm

        You’d be the most gorgeous G.O.M. I’ve ever come across if you were. Perhaps, to take the age & gender out of, we should settle on “Grumpy Gits”?

        Liked by 1 person

        • June 14, 2017 at 2:09 pm

          Ah now you’ve ten minutes to stop that! Seriously! I couldn’t possible take another compliment, you’re awful! NO SERIOUSLY.

          Liked by 1 person

          • June 14, 2017 at 2:23 pm

            I’m tempted to go all Mrs Doyle on you:
            “Ah, go on Tara, surely you’ll be wanting another compliment… Go on, go on, go on… I can do you a lovely bit of flattery about the evocative use of the word ‘bonkers’ in your strapline?”
            😀

            Liked by 1 person

            • June 14, 2017 at 6:50 pm

              Ah would you STOP. By that I mean the Irish stop, which of course doesn’t mean stop at all. 😉

              Liked by 1 person

              • June 15, 2017 at 12:19 am

                Ah, now I have a feeling this is where the problem has been all along with the “do you want us to stop ruling Ireland from London” thing. It’s a nuanced thing, innit? “Stop complimenting me” means “carry on”. But “stop oppressing me you imperialist shitebag” isn’t the same thing. Gah. If only we could have got that straight earlier… 😉
                (As an aside, I have vainly hoped to stumble across some Irish ancestry which could ensure continued EU citizenship but it appears I am shockingly English – but in a sweet floppy eared kind of way)
                Anyhoo, time for another compliment:

                Tara, Tara,
                Our glittering tiara.
                Word punching slogger
                Award-winning blogger.
                Talented and able
                Queen of the pivot table.
                Our darling Sparling
                Much nicer than Carling
                (Which is tasteless and fizzy
                And makes me dizzy)

                Ayethangyow 🙂

                Liked by 2 people

                • June 15, 2017 at 4:24 pm

                  You’ve made me speechless, Nick. Many have tried. Many have failed. But I’m at a loss to counteract such a compliment with a cynical rejoinder. WHAT HAVE YOU DONE???

                  I’ll get you Irish citizenship if you fancy, by the way. I can be bought. Having said that I’ve heard my government can be bought even more easily…

                  Liked by 1 person

                  • June 15, 2017 at 4:57 pm

                    I think I’ll quit while I’m ahead (or cause more speechlessness, which isn’t a good thing for a generous, smooth-talking gal like yerself).
                    Dammit. I’ve done it again.
                    😀

                    Liked by 1 person

  10. June 14, 2017 at 10:10 am

    Brilliant – well done Tara

    Liked by 1 person

    • June 14, 2017 at 10:21 am

      Thanks Lucy! It’s an honour to be in the same club as you!

      Liked by 1 person

      • June 14, 2017 at 10:27 am

        Maybe one day you can come and guest post on BlondeWriteMore? I would be in total fangirling mode but I think it would be a laugh.

        Like

  11. June 14, 2017 at 10:45 am

    Hahaha! Funny and clever post Tara. Glad you won and glad I found you!

    Liked by 1 person

  12. June 14, 2017 at 2:51 pm

    YAY!!!!!! Congrats Tara I’m delighted for you.
    And yet another excellent post to prove why you won 🙂 x

    Liked by 1 person

  13. June 14, 2017 at 3:11 pm

    Amen, sister. And congrats on the well-deserved win. Glad to see my vote didn’t go to waste.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. June 14, 2017 at 3:12 pm

    Reblogged this on Jan Hawke INKorporated and commented:
    Ah, Tara… 😀 Many congos on a well-deserved and for making me laugh on days when the God of Malls, surely hates me! 😛

    Liked by 1 person

    • June 14, 2017 at 3:26 pm

      Ah, a bit of retail therapy and you’ll be grand, Jan…

      Like

  15. June 14, 2017 at 3:22 pm

    Many congratulations thoroughly well-deserved.

    Liked by 1 person

    • June 14, 2017 at 3:27 pm

      Thank you! Although what you lot did to deserve me, may only become apparent on the Day of Judgement.

      Liked by 1 person

  16. June 14, 2017 at 6:09 pm

    Loved this – and it goes to show how you so rightly won the award 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  17. June 15, 2017 at 4:07 pm

    Congrats, Tara! always make me chuckle, and if I had known there was a vote I’d have voted for you! Only this post is rather unpleasantly close to the truth.

    Liked by 1 person

    • June 15, 2017 at 6:23 pm

      D’you know, if I were ever to ask for an epitaph, it would probably be ‘unpleasantly close to the truth’

      Liked by 2 people

  18. June 17, 2017 at 1:03 pm

    Reblogged this on Same Train, Different Track.

    Liked by 1 person

  19. June 17, 2017 at 1:06 pm

    Thanks for the like Tara, I have been quiet of late – undercover I think they call it, I haven’t gone away you know.

    Liked by 1 person

    • June 17, 2017 at 3:15 pm

      Welcome C.J.! It’s not often I get to visit myself these days.

      Like

  20. June 24, 2017 at 10:48 am

    Justice served. One less thing to get annoyed about. Damn.

    Liked by 1 person

    • June 24, 2017 at 11:27 pm

      Don’t lose heart, Depterness. There will be a new target for ire along shortly.

      Like

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