Continuing on in an apparent series of Lists of 5 Random Things In My Head in a shoddy Blogging 101 exercise I didn’t know I was doing, and certainly wasn’t doing on purpose, here is a list of 5 people who exist in real life, who perhaps would be better off existing only in fiction (either for their benefit, or for ours).
Off we go, then. Hopefully, this series is going to end quite soon.
1. Modern-Day Royals
Be they English, Dutch, Japanese or Spanish; young, middle-aged, disappointingly childless or thanklessly fertile; staggeringly well-dressed, elaborately coiffed or resolutely spendthrift; of ancient lineage, common as muck, faded of grandeur or suspiciously rich – the chances of a happy ending, these days, even with their very best behaviour, are terrible.
However, if the Duchess of Cambridge or the Somethings of Monaco were in a book, we could at least ogle their couture and their headlines in peace, without that uncomfortable and voyeuristic foreboding of scandals to come. It might also make for better reading in general.
2. The Smiley But Smelly Woman On My Bus Home
Some people look ordinary. Some people, on the other hand, scream STORY. The septuagenarian who is frequently on my bus home from work is one such person. She has a sleek bob, a slim figure, a broad smile and one of the most singularly unpleasant odours of anyone I have ever come across.
When not immediately within her olfactory dance space, it can be fun to watch the conflicting emotions cross the faces of her fellow commuters. They are torn between revulsion and an acute self-loathing, that they could abhor someone as seemingly vulnerable and sweet as the little old lady who smells as if her clothes haven’t been washed since 1978.
But, when safely out of the way, my mind becomes preoccupied with the story of her life. Some days, she is a former concert pianist. On others, she is a fallen heiress who is not only aware of the way she smells, but actively cultivates it, enjoying people’s reactions. Sometimes, she is an embittered ex-headmistress who retired in a scandal involving the young French teacher and the young French teacher’s husband. The prospects are endless.
3. American Reality TV Stars
When did it become acceptable to be more ridiculous in real life than in fiction? If I were to make up any of these cretinous excuses for humanity for a book, I would be ridiculed and rejected for my inability to construct a believable narrative. And yet. There you are.
4. Taxi Drivers
Anyone who has ever passed through Dublin will tell you who really runs the country.
Not only do they have a better economic strategy than successive Ministers for Finance, they also fulfil the roles of the Ministers for Foreign Affairs, Health, Sport, Arts, Culture, Tourism, and Justice. They also control the media and the country’s PR.
A recent senior ranking deity from the head office of my financial institution was given a rundown of everything wrong with this country, and why it is permanently fecked, in one unnecessarily long journey from the airport to the board meeting of the Irish branch.
And yet, there are still conspiracy theorists out there writing reams about the world domination plans of the Illuminati, Bilderbergers, the entire Middle East and the feminist movement, when all along they should have been writing about TAXI DRIVERS. Talk about misguided.
Think about it. You know what I mean.
That’s it. I’m off to get lists of 5 things surgically removed from my fingers. They’re becoming a dirty habit.