It’s January. And if you’ve been on the internet for more than 5 minutes so far in 2018, you probably hate yourself right now. ‘Tis the season, after all.
The only people pretending to love themselves in January are lifestyle bloggers telling you how to be a better You than you could ever be. So I thought it was time for me to offer up some advice of my own, and talk about diet.
The Blog Diet, to be precise.
I’ve been lurking around this corner of the internet for a while, now, so it’s no surprise that this blog has been getting a little, well, fat. I don’t usually believe in crash diets, but I finally found one which appealed, and let me tell you, it’s a real doozy. Like all the best diets it’s a 5-step plan. I will be explaining each step in excruciating detail, so that you can feel miserable long before we even start – just to make the whole diet experience authentic.
Here is a list of everything I am cutting out from this day forward.
There’s been far too much satire in the world lately. Dubious actions by powerful people in politics and business have made easy pickings for every Tom, Dick or Harry who considers himself a wit to go on Twitter, and try out a new one-liner every week. It’s devaluing comedy, and how it hasn’t yet resulted in strike action by full-time comedians is beyond me.
In any event, I’ve decided that serious is the new humour. Henceforth I will not be making any further jokes on this blog. Every single solitary word I write is to be taken in utmost faith and at its most literal. This is will be at its most obvious when I write about books, giant shrubs, or small-nosed animals which live underground.
Often it seems like some commenters on this blog are funnier than I am. Others dare to have different opinions from time to time. This is intolerable. I have been threatening to shut this down for ages, but January is a time for action. I will therefore be closing comments permanently, as soon as I can find the elusive little box on the blog dashboard that allows me to do so.
In consequence I would advise anyone who feels they must have their say to do so while they still have the chance, and not just on this blog. I am, as usual, simply ahead of the curve, as both America and the Untied Kingdom* are rumoured to be closing down everything below the line in May 2018, from which point the only two comments permitted online will be “LOL so cute!” (for cat videos) and “U OK hun?” (for selfies).
This might be seen as a natural consequence of eliminating discussion; but the real terror lies beyond mere comment.
The democratisation of global communication has resulted in unhealthy association between people of vastly different backgrounds, races, religions, and tastes in beer.
Whole swathes of people have been indulging in small-talk and light-hearted conversation with people they have never, and will never meet.
We all know that any connection forming between disparate people can only lead to terrible things. This is intolerable, and forbidden in all the best dictatorships.
I will therefore also be banning banter anywhere near this blog. Anyone caught engaging in friendly chit-chat or communication on any other platforms will have terrible poetry written about them, set to 1990s techno backing tracks.
- Puns, and Other Smart Alec Stuff
Social media has done more for puns than 100 years of Dad jokes and Christmas crackers combined. Throw in alliteration, up-to-the-minute slang and pop culture references, and you’ve got all the stuff that school examinations were supposed to have eradicated long ago.
There will be no more of that sort of grandstanding allowed. It’s not funny if there’s a drumroll behind every line.
Nothing makes a piece of prose fatter than a big pile of adjectives, unless you’re talking adverbs, which people have tried to kill off for years without any success.
The only thing worse than the overuse of adjectives is when they’re preceded by a hashtag, which is the equivalent of eating three Christmas dinners and then going out in a crop-top.
Therefore, adjectives will also be banned on this blog. After all, we all know that description of any kind only results in fake news. Furthermore, that kind of flowery prose will not fit in at all with the tone of this blog which will no longer be the sort of blog which causes anyone to smile or giggle which is in no way an example of how a describing something without adjectives has resulted in a phrase using eleven words where one would do.
And there you have it. In no time at all** this blog will be a lean and trim machine without fat, froth, or any discernible purpose. You’re welcome. See you next week!
*Case in point: coined by Babbitman, in this sickeningly funny comment (cheek of him)
**Well, eventually…first I just have to get through a few posts about trains, Russia, Mongolia, China, Vietnam, 2018, social media, and books. Then I’ll start getting thinner. I swear.