It’s been a tough week to be a woman in Ireland. Too many things filled up my brain to write satire, so I’m just going to tell you what I would have written about, had I not ended up with a brain that feels like one of those mops which NEVER wrings out, no matter what the infomercial told you.
This week, I set out to enquire what drives people to write really nasty reviews. Not only did I find the answer, but I also found out that I was the culprit (and so are you). In an attempt to soften this shocking revelation I have turned this life lesson into unmissable advice for authors and internet users. Just call me Dr. Spin-ling.
In the latest of my thoroughly successful series to become a top money-earning blogger, I have turned myself into an inspirational Fitness Expert. Let my real diet be no reason to be sceptical of my frankly dubious claims! Let my true exercise routine be no reason not to buy the stuff I say you should buy! And let my actual body shape be no barrier to your willingness to follow my inexpert advice!
It’s time for more fun with fictional stereotypes. What would happen to the characters we all know and love if literary genres collided? What if a tousled Historical Fiction Hero were to dwell in domestic disharmony with the world-weary genius that is the protagonist of a Young Adult fiction novel?
Following unprecedented success in the world of beauty blogging, I have decided to venture forth into the Spangley Sparkleworld of Lifestyle Blogging, beginning with amazing home decorating tips which are more truthful than an ingestible lie detector; more insightful than a stoned Jedi master, and only slightly less patronising than a kale-munching 26-year-old in a tech start-up.
I’ve lost count of the number of times literally nobody has said to me, “what’s it like to be a really successful blogger?” The internet is alive with talk of how to make serious money from blogging, so it’s time to throw my hat into the Ring of Mind-Boggling Success and go where the money is. It’s on your face, by the way. Or at least it will be, by the time I’ve finished with it.
How in Blog’s name is anyone supposed to sell a book nowadays, when 33,000 other books will be released on the same day as yours? The answer is to look for patterns. Unfortunately, this has global consequences… much like reading this blog on an empty stomach.
If you want to determine the state of humanity, just look at popular fiction, because we’re reading the opposite of what we’re living. Right now the people demand uplifting tales of generosity, kindness, and collaborative triumph over adversity. With that in mind, I’m predicting what we’ll be reading next, linked to whichever fresh disaster befalls the world this week. You’re welcome.
On what felt like the first and long-awaited spring day of the year, I think about how the things we do in this season could also be applied to fiction that’s been in hibernation for any period of time.
(And if anyone dares to make a comment about how writing a blog post about something instead of actually doing it is the ultimate procrastination, I will sic Tark and Mara on you.)
Yesterday was Saint Patrick’s Day. He might be one of the better known saints, but there’s a patron saint of everything, if only you wish to look. Unfortunately for writers, I did look, and the patron saint of writing is complete crap. So I’ve written a manifesto for a new one.
