Superblogger Chapter 6: How To Dress to Impress (The Haters)

Superblogger Chapter 6: How To Dress to Impress (The Haters)

I can SHOE you…

Well, hi there, fashion fans and faithful fabulous followers!!

Yes, that time is here – it’s time for FASHION TIPS, peeps, and I can already hear the cheering from where I’m sitting (in case you’re wondering, yes, I’m in another super luxury resort – and no, I didn’t pay for it!!). It’s the moment you’ve all been waiting for: clothes prose from the one with the nose for a pose!

Once upon a time, the parks, back alleys and dark industrial laneways of our capital cities were filled with hobos and streetwalkers. Nowadays they’re full of fashion bloggers. I’ve learned that nothing will sell a quirky outfit like a dirty brick wall and an overflowing skip, but an autumnal shoot in the park will make vintage luxe handbags disappear off the shelves like they’re on the endangered list.

My own favourite backdrop is whichever 5-star hotel I’m staying in at the time (like the one I’m in today, LOL!). I always take time out of my busy schedule to take photos in these exotic locations and change things up on the blog, and I’m blessed to have the opportunity to wear beautiful clothes in some of the most beautiful locations in the world. #LoveLifeLoveFashion

Superblogger Chapter 6: How To Dress to Impress (The Haters)

When it comes to shoes, always pick your angle wisely

Fashion blogging isn’t all about photoshoots, though. Sometimes between shoots, editing, planning and posting, I could be working flat out for two hours. But hey, we wouldn’t work so hard unless we loved it, right? #WorkHardLookFabulous

So some people think fashion bloggers do nothing but hang out in haute couture all day. Some days I do, but most days I’m hanging around in tatty sweats which are probably going to get me arrested for laundry crimes.

I can almost see you shaking your head. I know this is hard to believe, but some days I don’t even get dressed. I just hang out in my Nepalese hand-spun cotton PJ’s all day. Those are the only days I don’t take photos of myself. #PicsOrItDidntHappen

But when the camera comes out, the magic can happen. And when you get that perfect outfit for nothing – whether the designer sent it to you, you borrowed it, or you got the whole thing from a chain store for less than the price of two champagne afternoon teas – your fans are going to LOVE IT!

Superblogger Chapter 6: How To Dress to Impress (The Haters)

Top Tip 1: Don’t Follow The Trend: MAKE The Trend!

I’ve always been ahead of the posse when it comes to fashion trends. Nobody was wearing their underwear outside their clothes until I did it (except Superman, LOL, but he was super retro about it, so I guess we’ll forgive him!)

We all know that I was the first person to popularise kale collars. I’m also credited by Louise Vuillon for the success of her ‘Knock-it-OFF’ range of handbags and scarves (which you can now incidentally order direct from my Etsy shop – while stocks last!)

Anyway, I know when you’re starting off as a fashion blogger that it can be really difficult to get content for your blog. My golden rule is – if I’ve seen it twice, it’s a trend; and if it wasn’t already a trend before I said it, it’s going to be a trend afterwards, so that’s pretty cool. #BloggerPower

But on a more personal level: what do you wear before your brand becomes influential enough for free stuff?

What’s your style #inspo when all you have are the pathetic, lousy, laughable, boring, no-label contents of your own wardrobe?

This is where I let you into a little secret.

#drumroll

Want to be a pioneering blogger? Want to get ahead of that stampeding posse?

Don’t style and photograph the outfit you’re wearing today.

Blog about what you’ll be wearing tomorrow.

And that’s how you get ahead in fashion.

 

Top Tip 2: Look Like a Model

You guys, when fashion blogging started, it was a totally different world, where ordinary-looking people blogged about their personal style and became superstars in the process.

I guess there was a market for weirder looks, back then, even though it was hard sometimes for designers to make their clothes look good on, like, unfiltered people.

But in no time at all, thankfully fashion blogs got taken over by the social influencer royalty of today: models, stylists, and fashion photographers. Which is so good for young people, because now we have all the #inspo we need to look extraordinary, instead of plain old ordinary people who might even be bigger than a size zero. #NoThanks

So my 2nd top tip for success in fashion blogging, is to look like a model! Lose that weight and filter your selfies – and in no time at all, YOU will be a superstar with designer labels arriving to your house by courier every day!!

 

List: Accessorising Your Fashion with a Life Issue

By far the most important thing to remember about fashion blogging is that it’s not about the clothes.

It’s about you.

A good fashion blog photograph will combine clever styling, locations and photographers. A great fashion blog photograph combines clever styling, accessories, locations and photographers with a mind-blowing personal story. Just find your angle and match it to your outfit.

Superblogger Chapter 6: How To Dress to Impress (The Haters)

If you don’t have an actual broken window, don’t worry! You can always edit it in later.

  • Sad about crime in your neighbourhood? Team a Breton stripe with a white jean and stare pensively out through a broken window
  • Celebrating a new job? A picture of you smiling in extreme tailoring will look dynamite next to that soup kitchen or food bank you WON’T be visiting
  • Just announced your engagement, but not into all that traditional Bridezilla frou-frou? Think Orange Is the New Black meets Say Yes To The Dress, and just wait for those endorsements to roll in
  • In despair over some social justice issue? This calls for a killer jumpsuit with this season’s hottest protest sign!
  • Despondent over the fact that fast fashion exploits slave labour in poor countries? No worries! Just return all your internet purchases after you’ve photographed them for your Insta!

 

And that’s all for now, guys!! I hope you have fun ordering and returning all your designer faves!!

Superblogger Chapter 4: How To Make Dough From Your Food Blog

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Hi hi Fans and Famished Foodies!!

I’m so super sorry I didn’t blog last week, but it was because I was having such a mad weekend with all my crazy private celeb friends that I swear I didn’t even INSTA. It totally wasn’t because I had flu and looked totally gross – absolutely not.

But this week I want to talk to you about the most important thing that you can do to both your social life and and your body. And that’s making great-looking food.

For me personally, food is all about the eating. My food may not get shared on Instagram every single time like other bloggers’, but I don’t care as long as it tastes really, really, really good.

Some bloggers will spend hours setting up the perfect shots from every angle, using professional lighting rigs and the best cameras money can buy, not to mention climbing up ladders to take shots from the ceiling. Seriously, the time, blood, sweat and tears they put into it is INSPIRING. Really.

How to Make Dough From Your Food Blog

I really respect them for this, and think they’re all totally amazing for spending so long on photographing their food that it’s cold by the time they’re finished so nobody really gets to eat it.

But I like to concentrate on just preparing really, really, really great food for my friends and family. My photos may not win any awards, but that doesn’t matter as long as everyone tells me how good it tastes. It’s true that you can’t taste food online, but who cares when my besties Insta their clean plates and ask for more?

As I said, I don’t really mind if my food shots and vlogs don’t win any prizes, or even necessarily show how really yummy everything is, because my fans just know from the expressions on the faces of my friends how amazing it is. So my advice to you would be: don’t sacrifice taste for waste – or licks for likes!

On a totally separate note – and only because so many people ask me this question, like, all the time: How many celebrities should you have at your dinner party?

The answer is, of course, never more than you have enough forks for!! Ha, ha!

(I don’t mind saying that even though my food is renowned for its fabulousness, it’s exactly this kind of witty banter that keeps my guests coming back, every time)

How to Make Dough From Your Food Blog

I’m always taking pictures of my food when I eat out, just so I don’t end up making the same amateur mistakes as professional chefs

Special Topic: Your Signature Dish: The Ultimate Recipe For Success

Everyone needs their own signature dish. Some of the biggest food bloggers have even more than one signature dish, but let’s face it, they so obviously all want to be celebrity chefs, so they have to.

But when you’re a top blogger like me already, all you need is the one kick-ass dish which silences your critics and shows them all how good you are. I developed this dish together with Jean-Pierre Tastier, the celebrity chef famous for the most fashionable food in Europe. Jean-Pierre (JP to his #besties) knows how important food bloggers are for success, and even makes Insta-ready images available to the diners in his exclusive restaurant, Bon Goût, before they reach the table. As JP says – why #Insta when you can #Outsta!

Over two hot, intense days in JP’s kitchen, we were FINALLY ready to release my masterpiece to the world. A select few or you may know this recipe already, because it was featured on Discover WordPress, along with Good Looking Food Magazine, Great Looking Food Magazine, Best Looking Food Online and Eat Me Now!

 

Ingredients

3 Whole Rare Abysinnian Truffles

100g Horizontal Sprouting Broccoli

1 cup Avocado Roe

3 cups Nasturtium Pea Shoots

24 oz. Split Samphire Pesto

3 tbsp. Peccadillo Oil

1 tsp. Kobe Beef Mince

½ sack Extra Virgin Coconut Flour

Bhut Jolokia Chilli Flakes (to taste)

Dead Sea Salt & Pepper

 

Method

Prepare the Abysinnian truffles as normal. Blend the avocado roe, Kobe beef mince and Peccadillo oil in a 3” ramekin before sealing in a standard sous vide bag and placing in your luxury brand water bath at 32˚ for 6 days and 73 minutes.

While that’s cooking, place the horizontal sprouting broccoli and samphire pesto into liquid nitrogen for 2.75 seconds and set aside to smoke.

When the sous-vide beef is picture-perfect, lightly flash grill the mince on both sides and assemble on a monogrammed coconut flour plate with the samphire broccoli in a 70˚ parabola over the fifth-left quadrant. Devil the nasturtium pea shoots and dress with de-glazed chilli flakes, adding them to the plate as soon as the samphire broccoli has stopped sighing.

 

Always a sure-fire winner with my celeb guests and bound to leave them wowed every time – with, I think you’ll agree, no last-minute fuss. It’s never let me down yet! You’re welcome!!

 

Superblogger Chapter 3 (ii): How To Make Wealth Out Of Mental Health

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Hello, Followers and Fans of Life!!

You’ll remember that last week, I promised in the first of my Superblogger Wellbeing posts I would tell you all about how I keep my mental health in tip-top form through the secrets of my top-secret exclusive Mental Wellness Toolbox. And just like the very best anti-depressives, I’m not going to let you down.

Like everyone else, I have friends who feel really bad about themselves. Even major celebrities get sad sometimes. I myself personally was sad once for over a week, which gave me some really amazing insight into the whole world of depression.

I researched a lot online and came up with my own 5-step plan for mental wellness, helped of course by my loving friends and family, not to mention the love I get from you, my fans, which makes me feel so cherished and blessed, and which I appreciate so much I can’t even tell you. #loveyouguys #blessedblessedblessed

With all the love I get online, I felt it was so important for me to pay it forward and share what I learned to inspire other people, which as you know spun off into a whole new blog with 650,000 followers in two weeks.

Even Bloggers Get Sad

If I’m having on off-day, where I feel really anxious about how many followers I have, or how many followers someone else has, or how many likes I got on my latest Instagram post, or a hater calling me out for editing photos, or the whereabouts of the proof copy of that new book nobody else has, or the new Mulberry handbag I was absolutely sure I was being gifted yesterday but never turned up even though I waited for the courier all day long, I just take out what I call My Mental Health Toolbox, and get to work.

Superblogger Chapter 3 (ii): How To Make Wealth Out Of Mental Health

The 5 Mental Stages of Selfie-Taking

There are many ways of feeling well. Some people do it through meditation, or free writing, a three-week holiday in a rainforest, or a really, really long walk.

Sometimes I find that personally what really clears my mind is making sculptures of my enemies with papier-maché and then drowning them in the bath, slowly. I know it’s cray-cray, but I mean hey, #WhateverWorks, right?

But when it comes to crunch time, when I’m suffering from one of my many crippling anxiety attacks and I can’t go out the door; when all I can do is sit in my bedroom and blog to my millions of followers, what helps me most is baking super-tasty cookies and putting on a full face of makeup and my cosiest socks, curling up in my top-of-the-line Conran armchair with a really good book, followed by a really long walk with my Superceleb dog Blue.

Some of my friends have therapists, but I believe that the best person to listen to you, is You (or your dog, LOL! No matter how sad you get, a professional can’t make you feel as warm and fuzzy as a pair of really big socks and spending time with #BloggersBestFriend).

If all else fails, it is literally impossible to feel depressed if you do yoga in YSL sweats on the beach in Hawaii while the sun comes up.

Try it and feel your cares melt away, like ice in a triple kale yoghurt smoothie.

Superblogger Chapter 3 (ii): How To Make Wealth Out Of Mental Health

I always feel so good after taking a selfie! You should too.

But if that optimum goal is a little out of your reach right now, I’ve got a special gift for you, best follower fan friends! And that gift is my own exclusive 5-step plan for instant happiness which can be deployed without any cost, repercussions, or damage to depressed people everywhere.

And now all that remains is for me to give it to you!

 

List: The Ultimate 5-Step Plan To Better Mental Health

  1. Don’t suffer in silence. Tell a friend. A friend is better than any therapist. If you don’t have friends, post what you’re feeling on Facebook and wait for the comments to roll in and make you feel better.
  2. If you’re feeling so awful you can’t even get out of bed, bake or cook something. It will warm both the stomach and the heart.
  3. Remember it’s okay to feel sad. Everyone feels sad sometimes, and literally loads of people online are sad most of the time.
  4. If you’re feeling sad because of how you look, my go-to is Instagram, for inspiration. Lots of people there will inspire you to look better.
  5. Always look for the silver lining, because the silver lining is always there. One day when I was feeling so bad about myself I was literally crying, I wrote a blog post about how awful I felt, and it was my biggest post ever – 1.5 million hits in 2 days. My bout of depression gained me a million new followers, and not only that – just days later, as a result of my depression posts, I had partnered with an exclusive wellness spa who offered me a 4-day rejuvenation package which cured all my ills!

 

List: The Very Best Hashtags for Curing Anxiety and Depression

  • #LoveMe
  • #DogsAndFondue
  • #SuperbloggerInspo
  • #BabiesInChanel
  • #SupermarketSlobs
  • #TrendingNow
  • #FatterThanMe
  • #FakeNotFilter
  • #WorstSelfies

And so, Fans of Happiness, that’s all for this week!! Tune in next week for more guides to better living!!

Superblogger Chapter 3: The Wellbeing Of Looking Weller Than Other People (Part 1)

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Hi, You Guys!!

Last week I shared my exclusive fitness secrets with you, but now I want to talk to you about something that’s really close to my heart.

Today I want to talk to you about Wellbeing, because it’s literally the most important thing in my life right now.

Wellbeing is all about feeling really good about yourself. For some people this might mean fitness, or looking good, or cooking a super-healthy meal for friends: but if you ask me, nothing beats recharging the mind with a six-week luxury spa break on a beach in Sri Lanka.

I get literally tons of really positive feedback on my wellbeing blogs: you wonderful people are always telling me how inspired I’ve made you feel, and how much you’ve got out of my tips and tricks to lead a healthier, more inspired, more fulfilling life: a life which is just – well – more.

It really humbles me when I see how many people I’ve helped, just by talking about myself. #ForeverGrateful #ForeverBlessed #LoveYouGuys #MoonAndBack

Superblogger: The Wellbeing Of Looking Weller Than Other People

One of the many temples I’ve visited on my frequent luxury spa breaks abroad in exotic luxury places. I always get a sense of enormous wellbeing when around these holy idols, with whom I feel a great sense of affinity for some reason.

 

*****

List: My Top 10 Posts On Wellness Which You Guys Totally Loved In Your Millions!

  1. I Gave Up Wheat, Dairy, Protein, Sugar, Carbs, Coffee and Oxygen for a Month, and Guess What Happened
  2. 666 Great Wellness Gifts for Friends Who Dissed You in the Past
  3. How I Cured My Depression With A Charcoal-Activated Quinoa Salad, Paired With A Classic White Tee
  4. Collar Bone Extensions And Why You Need Them
  5. 10 Instant Fixes for Looking as Bad as You Do Right Now
  6. How to Lose 60 Pounds in 6 Minutes
  7. 100 Reasons Why Joining My Secret Facebook Group Will Be the Best Thing You Ever Did
  8. Full Transparency: I’ve Wanted to Talk to You About Gluten For So Long Now
  9. Here’s The Thing About Me
  10. Why Triple Ear Surgery is The Only Game in Town

*****

But no matter how many hits I get when I blog my latest Ten Reasons To Feel Positive About Good Stuff articles, or how many likes I get on Instagram when I post a picture of the walk through the rainforest between my luxury villa and the breakfast hut on one of my #DetoxDetours, or how many times I’m featured on aggregator blogs and magazine articles about the top Wellness social influencers of the week, ever week; for me, wellbeing is all about mental health – because that’s literally my life.

Because it’s so important, I’m going to do a whole post next week on how you can be as mentally healthy as I am. I’m going to take out my Wellness Toolbox and show you exactly how you can feel as better about yourself as I do every day on all my various blogging and microblogging platforms.

And you budding Superbloggers out there must NEVER forget: every cloud has a silver lining, and it’s no secret to any successful social influencer that anxiety sells!

Whenever I see a dip in my stats or I suddenly lose a big bank of followers (not that it really ever happens me because my fans love me so much, but still, a Superblogger is always prepared for the worst), I post about the depression I suffer and – hey presto! My blog hits double, and I feel really good about myself again.

Don’t forget to tune in next week for these exclusive tips – and bad days on Instagram will be a thing of the past!

Superblogger: The Wellbeing Of Looking Weller Than Other People

He knows what it’s like to be worshipped!!!

****************

News To Note: A good Superblogger always pays it forward. Some ooooold sad sack who cracks jokes about books and writing has a post over on writing.ie this week called, ‘Who Are You NOT Writing For This Year?’, so I thought I’d share, because even though it is all about me, I have to pretend sometimes that it isn’t.

Anywayz, apparently it’s about getting rid of crippling thoughts when you’re writing, about who might end up reading your stuff and hating it.

(Apparently – I mean there wasn’t even one single selfie so I didn’t read it???) But if you guys have nothing better to do, or you can’t afford a six-week luxury break in Sri Lanka, you might want to…

Link:      Who Are You NOT Writing For This Year?

 

Superblogger Chapter 2: The Thinnest Fitness Blog You’ll Ever Read

Superblogger Chapter 2: The Thinnest Fitness Blog You'll Ever Read

Hi Fans, Followers and Folks Who Flipping Love Me!

I’ve always been passionate about fitness, but even I have days when I feel like a total blimp off the street, so I totally know how hard it is for you guys to feel good about your bodies.

Every January the hits on my exclusive “Thinly Sliced” YouTube Fitness Channel almost double from nearly 6 million a month to over 23 million a month. Because people everywhere are thinking about what total pigs they made of themselves over Christmas and are looking for a way out of their disgusting, ugly, fat, ordinary bodies.

But search no longer – because you’ve found the answer!

When it comes to living your best physical health in order to look wafer-thinly STRONG, you’ve come to the right place, because that’s what I am.

Someone said once that I was too thin, but they were totally wrong, because I’m strong, not thin, and anyway you wouldn’t believe how much I eat! Really, you wouldn’t believe it, because I’m so naturally thin (but really strong). I eat so much junk food, sometimes I can’t take a selfie for hours.

Anyway guys, I’ve got the secrets you need for a no-fuss fitness plan which will stop the crying and get you back on Instagram in no time.

I won’t deny that it’s hard to look this good when you spend as much time eating out, travelling, drinking #bubbles at A-list events and cooking for your celeb friends as I do.

But don’t worry, followers! There is a fitness plan out there to suit everybody, and my celebrity personal trainer and I have definitely found the perfect one for me.

The Superblogger Chapter 2: The Thinnest Fitness Blog You'll Ever Read

A personal trainer can really help with motivation, but the most important thing about motivation is that you #neverquit.

Sometimes when I’m half way through a crushing workout I just want to drop everything and go eat ice-cream. But then I think about people I see in the supermarket, or pictures of people on Instagram eating ice-cream, and out of nowhere, I get enough energy to do another 60 push-ups.

And remember: enough is never enough #yofo

Unless you feel like your arms and legs are going to fall off, or unless you’re sweating so much that your ears are dripping and your eyes are flooded, or unless you’re Gwyneth Paltrow, you’re not trying hard enough.

And now it’s time for me to share my very bestest fitness secrets with you!

 

PART 1: A Day In The Life Of a Top Fitness Blogger

4.52am  Wake up from exactly 6 hours and 53 minutes sleep (proven to be optimal) and smell the coffee! Well, not really coffee: it’s my own delicious coffee substitute, made from charcoal, carrot top bark, Edwardian mushroom sweat, and raw coconut earlobes, diluted with exactly the volume of water in my upper torso. It’s definitely the best start to any day and available shortly from all good stores for just 24.99 a shot.

5.21am  Meditate for exactly 2 hours whilst standing on 1 leg and releasing endorphins through my elbows whilst simultaneously worshipping the six top pagan goddesses of the morning from Instagram.

7.22am  Do my first 1-hour workout (secret details below).

8.03am  Measure upper and lower arms, calves, thighs, waist, bust, hips, toes, ears, chin, wrists, little fingers, and eyebrows, and record results on special spreadsheet.

8.22am  Take a 16-minute shower with intermittent breaks to give #blessed thanks for the purified water piped specially into my home from a charity water project in the inner city. I only use natural cosmetics and shower aids. Right now I’m using a blend of coconut oil, lemon shavings and powdered rhino horn (for body polishing).

8.59am  Work out.

10.15am  Social media updates.

11.00am  Spend exactly 4 minutes 30 seconds on the toilet and compile results on special spreadsheet.

11.05am  Work out.

The Superblogger Chapter 2: The Thinnest Fitness Blog You'll Ever Read

12.13pm  Lunch. (Details to be revealed in my new diet and fitness plan book to be released in April 2019 for the bargain price of 21.99)

12.19pm  Social media updates about lunch.

2pm – 6pm  Social media updates.

6.03pm  Measure body parts again.

6.14pm  Dinner (social media updates for dessert).

6.59pm  Social media results.

7pm  Bedtime after a special smoothie, made from competitive juices and passive aggressive compliments.

 

PART II: The Instagram Fitness Workout

Using the best photo editing software you can afford, work out imperfections as follows:

FOR THE GALS:

  • Suck in tummy
  • Suck in back
  • Thin out arms
  • Thin out quads
  • Thin out double chin
  • Get rid of scars and cellulite
  • Make bust rounder
  • Enlarge and lift bum
  • Full body skin smooth

 

FOR THE GUYS:

  • Highlight 6-pack
  • Lowlight 6-pack
  • Airbrush 6-pack
  • Thin out waist (until you look pretty much like an insect)
  • Widen quads
  • Thin out knees
  • Widen biceps
  • Widen jaw
  • Square jaw
  • Add extra jaw
  • Jaw
  • Quads
  • Biceps
  • 6-pack
  • Did I say quads?

The Superblogger Chapter 2: The Thinnest Fitness Blog You'll Ever Read

 

PART III: My Favourite Exercise: The Perfect Squat

You guys, the most generous exercise you can do for your bums and legs is a squat. Yes – even YOUR bums and legs!

But the most important thing to remember is that you will always look really unattractive doing them. If your choice is to go ahead anyway that’s fine, but most of you would much rather sit watching videos of bloggers doing it rather than do any exercise yourselves.

So without further ado, here’s how to do the basic Goblet Squat! Grab a 100kg kettle bell and watch those thighs BURRRRRN!!

 

  1. Ready? 1 – 2 – 3… TWERK AND HOLD! Now look in the mirror. See your face? See how red and sweaty it is? See the way your eyes are bulging? Your legs screaming?
  2. Now look at my beautiful face. Look at my smile. My thighs. Aren’t they fabulous?
  3. Look at my muscle definition. Look at how toned and tanned they are. You are never going look like this. Wouldn’t you just rather look at mine instead? Of course you would! That’s what I’m here for, so you can watch me do all the things you will NEVER be able to do as well as I can!

 

The Superblogger Chapter 2: The Thinnest Fitness Blog You'll Ever Read

Superblogger Chapter 1: How To Get Filthy Rich From Internetting

Superblogger Chapter 1: How To Get Filthy Rich From Internetting

To my dearest fans (that’s you guys)

Welcome to the world of the Superblogger!

Nobody is more grateful than me for my fabulous life.

But you might not know that what makes me even happier, is sharing it with you.

Who would have thought, just one year ago, that a quiet kid from Nowheresville would end up with 6.8 million followers, two houses, three dogs, too many celebrity friends to count, and my own lines in tanning products, cookware, fitness gear, vintage cat memes, and personalised car accessories?

Living such a great life means I have something really great to blog about. Which is kind of crazy, because the money and endorsements I get through blogging are literally what gives my life its fabulousity, and in turn my fabulous life is what I blog about, so it goes from blogging to fabulous, back to blogging about fabulous in a kind of never ending loop, until people have to go and lie down when they think about it.

And how does one get this fabulous life to blog about in the first place? Well, I can help you there, because I’ve done it. And in this series, I’m going to tell you all my secrets, except for the ones which I’m going to monetise eventually.

Because the thing is – I’m the most honest blogger around. NOBODY will ever be more honest with you than me. I tell it like it is, which is literally what I say it is.

Like, there can be a downside to making loads of money and having really cool stuff and getting recognised and asked for autographs on the street, and that is: The Haters. In this series I will also tell you in how to use your own fabulosity to turn hate into love, and by love I mean: followers.

I love all my fans, but especially you, for loving me so much. If I can make one person in the world smile during a sad bad day, I can go to bed happy. And don’t you think that’s what makes my life so inspired?

So without further ado, and with oodles of #inspo, here is the Superblogger’s super guide to blogging and social influencement!

Superblogger Chapter 1: How To Get Filthy Rich From Internetting

Selfies are the most important tool on the road to rich social influencement. Sadly, none of these people will ever make any money from social media.

 

HOW TO GO FROM ZERO TO SUPERBLOGGER IN ONLY 1,000,000 FOLLOWERS

Let me start by telling you something which might shock you.

I wasn’t always a Superblogger.

I wasn’t always this outgoing.

Just 12 months ago, I was so shy, I could barely put a video of myself up online without hyperventilating.

I had so many anxiety issues, I got an entire blog series out of it.

To put it another way, I was once like you.

But through blogging and my YouTube channel, I started to learn that people can totally be interested in things you might think aren’t interesting, like your life, what you think, what you eat, what you wear, and what you like. Remember: you are special, and nobody else in the world is like me.

I learned so many things about myself through blogging and YouTubing. Now there is hardly ever a day goes by I don’t learn something really important about myself.

I’ve learned that it’s easier sometimes to talk to a million people online than it is to talk to one person while you’re looking them in the eye.

I also learned that the most important thing is to stay humble. As long as you’re the most humble person you know, you’ll be okay. If I ever feel like I might not be humble enough, I think of my fans, and imagine what it’s like to literally walk in their shoes for a day, and before I know it, I’m totally humble again.

Superblogger Chapter 1: How To Get Filthy Rich From Internetting

A #nofilter photograph of some food I had once. Remember: there is no limit to how much food you can photograph without putting on a single pound in weight!

But how do you even begin blogging? Where will you get your followers and endorsement deals? How will you find stuff to blog about, and who even is going to watch the video you spent hours getting the light just right for, and even more hours editing to perfection?

To start with, it really helps if you’re living with someone else, like a parent, or maybe your girlfriend or boyfriend (especially if they’re famous already – that can literally help more than anything). Blogging can be slow to start off, sometimes taking weeks to get off the ground.

If you don’t have a celebrity boyfriend or girlfriend (I guess not many of us do – although I have quite a few so maybe I could lend you one!), you can blog from your own bedroom instead, while your parents pace around downstairs, wondering just what the hell you’re getting up to on the internet. Remember it costs nothing to be in your room, as long as someone else is paying the bills.

By the time you make your third or fourth million (which can take anything from six days to six weeks, in my experience), you can buy your parents a new house, which might stop them complaining for just three seconds that they STILL can’t figure out how exactly you’re making so much money by doing nothing at all. (How cute are parents?! If you have them, obviously. Some people might be missing a Mum or a Dad. Some people don’t have any parents at all. I think about this sort of stuff all the time #solucky #lovemyfam #countyourblessings)

Remember it’s important to stay positive. Positivity is literally the best thing that ever happened to me. I’ve always been the kind of person to see the best in things, but I didn’t know that when I started out – which is another thing I’ve learned about myself in my blogging journey.

Also remember: as a blogger, you must be entertaining. Also, be beautiful. Be funny. Be popular. Be amazing.

But above all things, be yourself.

Superblogger Chapter 1: How To Get Filthy Rich From Internetting

This is just one of the 16 Superblogger spa breaks I’ve taken so far in 2019. If you become more like me, you too will have one sixteenth of a spa like this.

I’d like to finish this introduction by listing my top tips for becoming a Superblogger. This is the stuff I wish I’d known before I started. I will say more about these later. But now that you know – there’s literally nothing holding you back!

(ii) MY TOP TEN TIPS FOR SUPERBLOGGING…. OR WHAT I WISH I KNEW BEFORE I STARTED

  1. There is no such thing as embarrassment. Only obscurity.
  2. There is no limit to what people will find interesting (unless they are related to you – in which case they will never think ANYTHING you do is good, so don’t even try).
  3. You don’t have to be perfect. Just seem that way.
  4. You will never have enough followers for L’Oréal.
  5. Your parents will never understand, but lots of money will help.
  6. You don’t need a professional studio, equipment or website starting off. After the first two months or 2,000,000 followers is fine.
  7. Other bloggers lie about their stats, but obviously you would never.
  8. You will never have enough followers on Instagram.
  9. Being positive in the face of the haters is literally, like, kryptonite.
  10. You don’t have to understand advertising standards, income tax, or calories. That’s what the experts on your payroll went to university for.

Tune in next week, when I reveal more unique skills in my guide to Fitness blogging, which is totally fantastic for January, because let’s face it, all of you are feeling pretty fat right now.

LOVE you guys!!!

 

DISCLAIMER: The Superblogger is an equal opportunities satirist. S/he takes no responsibility for hitherto unfamiliar readers seeing themselves in what s/he writes. If you are offended, please return to Instagram and believe what you see.

2018 Was Busy. Let 2019 Be The Proof Of It

2018 Was Busy. Let 2019 Be The Proof Of It

Dear Friends: may I be 137th* to wish you a Happy New Year!

(*Well, it is the 30th of December, and the whole internet culture is making us more and more competitive every day to be first and best with greetings and compliments, so I expect I’m way behind already in my New Year greetings.)

We all know it’s not in my nature to be nice to people, but I really am very grateful for every reader who has ever stopped by my slippery little corner of the internet in 2018.

For me, this year was full of plot twists. I started a new job which ate my life, sucking energy and brainwaves in equal measure. It made it difficult to write at times, and impossible at others to make actual progress on any of the works projects I was trying to keep on the boil. Even still, I came damn close to getting a couple of them published, but as we say in my dear home county of Clare, nearly never bulled a cow, and being nearly published is about as life-affirming as Schrödinger’s cat.

Despite the fact that I’ve been quiet in December, I did really enjoy blogging this year. I regretted not having enough time to visit my favourite blogs, and feel I missed a lot from you this year. But I tried at least to keep up with my own.

Sometimes a big writing project is just too, well, BIG. Blogging comes in lovely bite-size pieces, though. There’s always time for a blog, even when a chapter is too steep a mountain to climb.

(Well, except if it’s December, and you’re distracted by a mince pie. But otherwise, there’s always time for a blog. Honest.)

Not to mention that blogging is social media, which means INSTANT GRATIFICATION WAHEY!!! It’s terrible, really. I might slag it off, but I’m as complicit as anyone when it comes to looking for a reaction to a posting online. You know pretty much immediately who’s reading and whether they like it or not.

Bigger writing projects take forever to go through the sausage machine and spit out results. Blogging tells you right now whether or not it worked. If people like something, you do more of it: if people don’t, you shrug and move on, without too much anguish or time wasted.

2018 Was Busy. Let 2019 Be The Proof Of It

My most popular posts this year were all very different from each other, too, which is evidence of how much fun I had spewing wild thoughts online. Of course, they were all satirical or cynical, which as we all know is my raison d’être, and also my reason for being. The Top 5 for 2018 were:

  1. Honest Blurbs For Honest Writers
  2. Demotivational Posters for Writers
  3. Confessions of a Critic: What Makes People Write Nasty Reviews?
  4. How I Learned To Cure My Anxiety With A Classic Smoky Eye
  5. A Living Wage For Writers – From A Most UNLIKELY Source

So, what’s coming in 2019?

One thing I did manage to do this year was write a new series for the blog, which I’ll begin to post in January. It’s a blogging skit, told from the point of view of the Bestest, most Amazingest and Humblest Social Influencer of Them All. I tested a few pieces for this earlier in the year, and had enormous fun in the process.

The genesis of the idea came from reading one too many articles about hugely successful bloggers who all seemed to be suffering from crippling anxiety for some reason. I started to wonder why.

I soon realised that if there’s one thing the internet has taught us, it’s that just like Sesame Street said: we really CAN be whoever we want to be… or at least, whoever we say we are. In fact, I’m not even sure there’s a difference any more. Because if the last couple of years have also taught us that facts are what we say they are, then social media is our biggest loudspeaker. And sadly, it appears to be making us sick.

However, I’m never one to let a serious or worrying issue to slip by without making some sort of joke about it. With that in mind, I’ll be posting my guide to being a social influencer, with special focus on the most popular and influential subjects, such as:

  • Beauty
  • Lifestyle
  • Fitness
  • Food
  • Politics and Social Activism
  • Photography
  • Home Decor
  • Fashion
  • Entertainment
  • Personal Growth and Transformation
  • Wellbeing
  • Motoring (obviously)

The whole project has been a revelation to me, as a niche blogger. As I said earlier in the year in an introduction to the tester piece How I Learned To Cure My Anxiety With A Classic Smoky Eye, being Ireland’s 5th most successful niche literary humour blogger focusing on conversations between fictional stereotypes is all very well, but if you’re doing well in one niche, why not cover ALL the niches?

I’m looking forward to introducing the philosophy of the Superblogger to you all in 2019. In the meantime, and before I get into full parody mode, I hope all of you have a healthy, peaceful, joyful and bountiful New Year. It’s been a pleasure doing the giggling with you in the old one.

5 Things A Writer Really Wants For Christmas

Each year for the past 3 years, I’ve done a guest spot over on Anne R. Allen’s blog in the US with something that is writerly, Christmassy and tongue-in-cheeky. This year, I was operating on a theme of Christmas wishes.

You may remember that last week in this very parish, I did a piece about writers being careful what they wish for.

It seemed to me that any time a writer gets what they want, it turns out either not to be what they want at all, or serves only to reveal yet a much greater want which messes with mental well-being and any burgeoning feelings of accomplishment.

This was the other side of the coin with regard to the piece I did for Anne’s blog, which was a lot less serious, and looked at what a writer might ask Santa Claus to deliver in their stocking for Christmas.

It turns out that my writing everyman was looking for 5 things. It’s not a lot, I know: surely 5 wishes is not too much to ask for, particularly at a time of generosity and kindness and general bonhomie?

Well, I suppose it depends on exactly what you’re asking for.

Get a load of this letter to Santa, and see if you think it’s a reasonable request. Here’s the link to the piece, called “Dear Santa: This is What a Writer Wants For Christmas”

https://annerallen.com/2018/12/what-writer-wants-christmas/

 

Dear Santa: This is What A Writer Wants for Christmas

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