Tark And Mara Monetise That Weather We’re Having

Tark And Mara Monetise That Weather We're Having“I’ve decided we need a new season.” Tark waved a manicured hand at his chest barber in dismissal, and wiped his newly-shaven belly with a monogrammed towel before dismounting from an uncomfortably tall massage table. He swore they had it raised on purpose before his appointments. It was their only way of feeling superior to a client so great in status, yet short in stature.

“Four just isn’t enough, even with the addition of the cruisewear collections,” he continued. “I mean, even I laughed when they introduced ‘Cruise’ as a separate fashion season, but that was only because they just didn’t go far enough. We need at least twelve different seasons for maximum profit – one for each month of the year. And I’ve decided that Ireland is the perfect place to launch them.”

“Why’s that, darling?”

Mara examined a chip in one gilted talon, frowning as much as an immobile forehead would allow. The only problem with wearing so many diamonds was that when brushing past them, they tended to play havoc with one’s nails. She was going to have to start wearing more emeralds; they were softer.

“Partly because I couldn’t be arsed filthying myself in London for as long as it would take to launch each one… but mainly because the weather here is sure to allow. In Ireland, we can launch the full range of collections all together. Four seasons in one day, you see.”

Mara sniffed. “Seven, in March and April.”

“Exactly. So beginning next week, I will be launching both clothing and footwear lines for our first new season.”

“And what’s that, my love?”

Tark And Mara Monetise That Weather We're Having

“I’m calling it the Enigma Collection. But what I really mean is uncertainty. I mean, nobody knows what the hell is going to fall out of the Irish sky in April. It’s the perfect opportunity to double apparel revenues. Everything will have to be new – to reflect a new start, obviously. I’m talking colour-block layers, shoes with pull-down suede galoshes which are sure to get ruined in just one rain shower, etcetera. By making sure the clothes are as impractical as possible, we will ensure that an April layer can NEVER be worn later on, during the Irish monsoon.”

“Ingenious. And the next season?”

“Will be called: Futureproof. It’s for May, when everyone thinks it’s warm, but ends up freezing to death. I’ve come up with a range of thermal-lined belts and collars which will perfectly complement our exclusively perishable cobweb hosiery.”

Mara’s eyes widened. Tark could see the need in them. Her desire for unwearable tights was already aflame. Useless accessories always set his wife afire.

“I’ll have them for you soon, my precious prizefighter. I’ve already got the manufacturing contracts lined up. We’re going through 17 shell companies in 3 separate countries, but the labour is dirt cheap, and quite ingeniously untraceable.”

Mara took several rapid intakes of breath, the collar bones over her eminently dressable flat chest standing to attention. “Oh Tark, I do love you so.”

Tark grinned, his demonic eyebrows doing that thing that made Mara feel kind of faint, even on days she’d actually eaten something.

“I know. But you’re going to love me even more when we reap the benefits of a 672% operating profit margin, my beloved bear trap.”

Tark And Mara Monetise That Weather We're Having

  27 comments for “Tark And Mara Monetise That Weather We’re Having

  1. May 14, 2015 at 12:34 pm

    I hope to see them on the Seven O’clock show discussing the launch of their range soon. No, wait, with Mark Cagney on the morning sofa, distressing them with his mis-matched socks.

    Liked by 3 people

    • May 14, 2015 at 1:53 pm

      Now you’ve just got me on a different train of thought entirely, Tenderness. My next post could well be “Tark and Mara Make A Handbag Out Of Mark Cagney… And Get Their Own Show On TV3”

      Liked by 2 people

  2. May 14, 2015 at 12:57 pm

    Ah – I remember perishable hosiery… *sighs* Thank heavens my lower limbs go completely commando and unshaven these days – the suede galoshes are genius though! lol

    Liked by 2 people

    • May 14, 2015 at 1:54 pm

      I didn’t even mention the biodegradable headwear, Jan, for fear of patent infringement. But I’m sure Tark and Mara will come up with something else for your legs.

      Liked by 2 people

  3. May 14, 2015 at 2:08 pm

    Your Tark and Mara crack me up, here on the other side of the ocean. Even when I don’t get all the allusions, the sheer joy in reading overcomes my failing. Vermont has two seasons that could be added to your collection. After winter and before spring, we have mud season. When the frost is deep,as it was this year, mud season can go on for 6 weeks or more. In the time between fall and winter, we have stick season when the sky is gloomy and naked trees rise up against that gray. You’re welcome to them if you care to use them.

    Liked by 4 people

    • May 14, 2015 at 2:42 pm

      Tark and Mara will take anything which isn’t either nailed down or already bearing a logo, and therefore thank you sincerely (well: as sincerely as could be expected from this pair) for your offer. Although I suspect that to Mara, “stick season” probably means something else, and a lot more dieting – perfect for the fashion business, I’m sure you’ll agree.

      Liked by 3 people

  4. May 14, 2015 at 5:40 pm

    Sounds like your weather is much like ours. Maybe their range could be further extended by adding some items with a Scottish theme! Crocheted umbrellas perhaps?

    Liked by 4 people

    • May 14, 2015 at 11:55 pm

      Ooh, now we’re talking. Mini papier-mâché bagpipe handbags! Cling film tartan earmuffs, and a balsa hat in the shape of Edinburgh Castle! Er, hang on. I’m not sure it hasn’t been done before…

      Liked by 1 person

  5. May 14, 2015 at 6:15 pm

    Judging by some of the wear twice clothes I’ve accidentally fallen in love with and purchased I would not doubt a few other designers think very similar to our dear, despicable Tark.

    Liked by 1 person

    • May 14, 2015 at 11:57 pm

      I just hope you didn’t pay Tark’s prices. If he wasn’t a friend of mine, I’d have him up for extortion and gross insult to social democracy.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. May 15, 2015 at 11:27 pm

    Your visit reminded me I had seen a fleeting T & M on FB earlier. I love her collarbones already. Great series.

    Liked by 2 people

    • May 15, 2015 at 11:39 pm

      Conor. I will NOT allow you to make something delicious out of Mara’s collarbones. She hasn’t a pick of meat on her, for starters. Having said that, she’s still flattered, so, well, thanks.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. May 16, 2015 at 12:23 pm

    My daughter, a fashion student, had her tutor swooning with delight last term when she produced a mackintosh patterned with ingenious cut-outs. Not meant for wearing in the rain, apparently. Or only if you’re indoors. Bet T&M would snap it up.

    Liked by 4 people

    • May 16, 2015 at 6:36 pm

      But… but… a mackintosh with cut-outs would still keep the rain off the bits which weren’t cut out! It’s genius! It’s like a new method of branding your underwear with cut-out outerwear – if you were wet through only in certain patches it would tell everyone how much you paid to get damp! I assume she got the equivalent of a Nobel in fashion for this? And where can Mara get three of them??


  8. May 19, 2015 at 9:27 pm

    This hit several chords as a nipped out in the blazing sunshine, between the hailstorms and lightning, to gather slugs or clear the down-pipe water collector… damn, I’ve have just remembered a gutter I failed to clear (this is for real, I must go out into the gloaming and deal).

    Liked by 1 person

    • May 19, 2015 at 9:32 pm

      PS I hope task has remembered that, even in May, there are women who will buy leaking gloves for special (gutter clearing) occasions.


      • May 19, 2015 at 9:33 pm

        Grr, I said TARK not task.


        • May 20, 2015 at 12:15 am

          If I had your garden, Hilary, I’d never be out of it, rain or shine! Or rain and shine, and rain and rain, and hail and shine and rainglare, as we’re currently having. I’ll put in an order for a raincoat which dispenses sun-cream on the hour for you.

          Tark doesn’t mind you mistyping his name, by the way. Having said that, I’m not sure he didn’t put you on a list somewhere…


  9. May 21, 2015 at 1:23 pm

    Has Tark entered the edible knicker market? Are these washable I wonder if not eaten immediately after use? One would have to use cherry or raspberry flavoured lenor of course. I’d say Mara prefers gold leaf disposables myself.

    Liked by 3 people

    • May 21, 2015 at 2:18 pm

      As it happens, Trish, Tark has an opening for a Director of Disposables – he likes your ideas so much, he just created it. Congratulations! And your sign-on bonus is a hand-stitched waterproof bathtowel! When can you start?

      Liked by 1 person

      • May 21, 2015 at 3:40 pm

        I’ll get right back to you, I need to discuss the lunch menu at the cafeteria with Tark before I commit to anything. There is a cafeteria right? I’m thinking chocolate thongs for the ladies and vanilla mankinis for the men…with sprinkles of course…

        Liked by 2 people

        • May 21, 2015 at 4:09 pm

          Ok. Just remember the perishable nature of a disposable job and don’t leave it too long, and don’t mention vanilla to Tark, and we’ll be grand.

          Liked by 1 person

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