A Mindful Conversation With My Arse

A Mindful Conversation With My Arse

The other day, my arse spoke to me, and imparted wisdom of great proportions. I didn’t know I’d been sitting on an oracle, but then there are lots of things I don’t know, such as pretty much everything that isn’t Googleable (seeing as nobody actually needs to remember anything about anything anymore).

Now, there is wisdom to be had almost everywhere, if only we look for it. For instance, last week, four pigeons on a 12-foot plinth at Heuston train station told me that no matter how high you fly, there will always be some bolshie bugger you have to fight just in order to stand still. This is the first time I’ve seen it coming from my arse, but it’s hardly surprising. If you think I’m a no-nonsense sort, you should see my arse.

(By the way, if you saw the headline for this post and thought “Well holy Blog, that’s terrible click-bait right there, so it is”, you’d be right. But my arse has things to say, nonetheless.)

Picture the scene. It’s late, and I haven’t moved in an hour.

My Arse:  Pssst. Tara. Hey. Get up a second.

Me:  Not now, My Arse. I have thoughts to think and days to ruin with black imaginings of unhelpful doomsday scenarios.

My Arse:  I know you’re not feeling particularly funny. But I’ve been thinking too. You’ve been sitting on me for a long time.

Me:  I haven’t much choice there. But yes, I can’t deny it.

My Arse:  I can’t do much about it either. But look, all this writing you’re doing. Is it coming to anything?

Me:  I don’t know, My Arse. The whole thing is a slow process. It can take 6 months just to query a novel, you know. And that’s not counting the 18 hours I waste per day, doing an actual job which pays me actual money, and arsing around online.

My Arse:  Mind your language.

Me:  Sorry.

 

My Arse:  It’s just, you’re getting heavier, you know, and your posture is going on ninety.

Me:  Right. Thanks. A little bit of encouragement goes a long way.

My Arse: I was thinking you sort of got bogged down a bit.

Me:  Are you looking for a cushion, or something?

My Arse:  You’re a lot heftier when you’re thinking more than you’re writing.

Me:  What’s your point?

My Arse:  Oh, for the love of… Why did I get all the brains? Have you got writer’s block?

Me:  I knew it. I’ll get some Senokot.

My Arse:  Shut up. Look, I know you have a lot of stuff going round your head, these days. But you’re making it all ten tons more cumbersome by sitting on me, thinking about it.

Me:  Ok, Doctor. And what is it that you’re prescribing, exactly?

My Arse:  That’s easy. Take thirty minutes of good sweaty exercise, followed by two targeted queries, and a blog post with a shallow headline. And then two glasses of wine. And a pint. Of Pernod.

Me:  I’ll skip the Pernod, if you don’t mind. But the rest sounds okay.

My Arse:  You’ll thank me later.

Me:  I suppose I will. But if you think you’re getting into smaller sized jeans any time soon, you can think again. All that activity will have to be balanced by cake.

My Arse:  [I would say it sighed here, but we all know what that means, and this is a public forum.]

**************************

So there you have it. All the gurus –  the medical ones, the mindful ones, even the mindless ones – tell you to listen to your body. I’m off to the loo. See you later.

A Mindful Conversation With My Arse

From the little-known Ancient Annals Of Posterium, c. AD 1194: “And from its arse, lo! It did sprout rainbows…”

[P.S. The first person to make a joke about me talking through my arse, gets barred.]

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  62 comments for “A Mindful Conversation With My Arse

  1. August 26, 2015 at 8:08 am

    How can we comment, if you steal all the best lines for yourself??

    Liked by 5 people

    • August 26, 2015 at 9:48 am

      I didn’t steal them, Nicholas. I just borrowed them, without anybody knowing. Until, of course, you pointed it out. Thanks for that.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. August 26, 2015 at 8:20 am

    🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  3. August 26, 2015 at 8:31 am

    Loved it!

    Liked by 2 people

  4. carousel1234
    August 26, 2015 at 9:07 am

    There are no words left to comment on this. You’ve taken them all yourself. But I’m going to go and sit and write now and see if my arse can be my guru. My arse is not happy that I almost wet myself laughing at this post 😂

    Liked by 2 people

    • August 26, 2015 at 9:49 am

      At least you said ‘almost’, Carolann. You’ll have enough wee to be dealing with once school starts back again…

      Liked by 1 person

  5. August 26, 2015 at 9:43 am

    This is a very thought provoking piece…”been there, done that”. Some time we need a good talking to and some times we need a good “kick in the you know where”. When the badly needed talking to comes from the “you know were” the impact is powerful. A great piece, on the whole!

    Liked by 4 people

    • August 26, 2015 at 9:51 am

      Thanks, Adrian. My arse is taking all the praise today. But it’s very self-absorbed. I’m thinking about having a more two-sided chat with my knees.

      Like

  6. August 26, 2015 at 10:16 am

    There are times when I wonder if all life is a weird dream. I’m sure I’ve just read a blog post about someone having an argument with their bottom . . . and I’m replying to it!

    Of course, you can get carried away with convesrations with body parts, especially when your elbow joins in and then you can’t tell your arse from. . . . (That was, like, a joke, like at the Edinburgh Festival etc)

    But if I were you, I wouldn’t take too much notice of your arse, after all if it was so clever it could hold you to ransom with all manner of publicly embarrassng threats, which tells me your arse is all talk.

    Kneecaps. That’s where the smart money is invested. Listen to the kneecaps. (Ever wondered why they’re the first things to get shot when someone wants to silence you?)

    Liked by 1 person

    • August 26, 2015 at 10:21 am

      I can’t decide if you’re being ominously helpful, Chris, or helpfully ominous. My arse is telling me you’re trouble. All the same, I can’t argue with the truth of what you say. Thanks. I think.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. August 26, 2015 at 10:25 am

    This is what arses do. They spread confusion and malcontent. They are divisive and mischievous. Do not listen to the arse.

    Liked by 3 people

  8. August 26, 2015 at 10:28 am

    Tara,
    I have a post written and scheduled for next week. I have been angsting about it and worrying whether I should or should not post it. If I change the headline, I will have to re-write the whole post and I don’t have the time or the inclination. If I don’t I might offend. That is what I was thinking right up until I spat the morning coffee onto my laptop. You have done it again. Great post. I will no be changing a word of my mildly risquée writing.
    Thank you and your arse,
    Conor

    Liked by 3 people

    • August 26, 2015 at 11:03 am

      I think it’s called ‘fly by the seat of one’s pants’ writing, Conor, and I can’t wait for your post next week. Do not angst. If people out there on the Interweb want to get arsey about it, they will also be barred.
      [EVERYBODY WILL BE BARRED! – My Arse]

      Liked by 2 people

  9. August 26, 2015 at 10:48 am

    A very unique post! Loved it! ❤

    Like

  10. August 26, 2015 at 12:29 pm

    I think my arse has been chatting to yours! 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  11. August 26, 2015 at 1:19 pm

    My arse is happy to know it’s not the only one spreading.

    Liked by 2 people

    • August 26, 2015 at 4:25 pm

      Spreading what, though? That is the great question of our age.

      Like

  12. August 26, 2015 at 1:59 pm

    My Ma-in-law always quoted the Scottish Bard… ‘where’er ye be let yon wind blow free, for holden it in’ll be the death o’ thee’. She used to take a drop of the hard stuff in her tea at least once a day too. Also talked a steady stream of you know what, but then she wasn’t a writer!
    Get it all out somewhere and make sure you use the equivalent of the puppy paper liberallyI says I! 😀

    Liked by 2 people

    • August 26, 2015 at 4:30 pm

      I do try to keep the sighs down to a minimum. It helps me keep the day job too, I find, in a tall building where the windows don’t open.

      Like

  13. J. Riley Castine
    August 26, 2015 at 2:57 pm

    Oh my…I have so many things to say, but I don’t want to talk s h i t here. I loved this!

    Liked by 3 people

    • August 26, 2015 at 4:33 pm

      There is no shite talked on this blog, J., so you needn’t be worried. Every comment is a fountain of wisdom. But that’s enough about spouts.

      Liked by 1 person

  14. August 26, 2015 at 4:14 pm

    Ha ha ha ha. Too funny. You have a wise arse, Tara. I know some writers who converse with their muses, and now…well…it’s a first. Sadly, my cheeks are of a like mind; they’re in need of some time on the treadmill…every day…for a year…at least. I’ve been ignoring my arse, but base on this erudite post, I vow to pay attention to every peep it makes. 😀

    Liked by 2 people

    • August 26, 2015 at 4:40 pm

      There’s a world of difference between “you have a wise arse” and “you are a wise arse”, Diana, so I thank you for your kind choice of words. It’s like talking to my arse as opposted to talking through it. My family, incidentally, does not get to comment on this subject.

      Liked by 1 person

  15. August 26, 2015 at 4:28 pm

    I love your “devil-may-care” attitude and your amazing talent for laughing at life. Thanks for reminding me that inspiration often comes from unusual places – even my arse! 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    • August 26, 2015 at 4:41 pm

      Well, I can’t speak for everyone’s arse, Debbie, but I think you should give it a go. 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  16. August 26, 2015 at 4:29 pm

    Love, love, love… So cheeky!

    Liked by 1 person

  17. August 26, 2015 at 6:27 pm

    Great post, You were going for the idea of inner wisdom perhaps? in part sounds like me. Sitting and thinking can cause complacency. Sometimes just thinkings causes inner sometimes outside conflicts. Can you imagine if one might be telepathic or something.

    Liked by 2 people

    • August 26, 2015 at 11:34 pm

      In this scenario, for some reason, inner wisdom sounds like a painful affliction! Perhaps you’re right 😀

      Like

  18. August 26, 2015 at 7:54 pm

    This is your hot topic of conversation in recent days, it seems Tara… you really should lay off the Vinda-loo! Personally, I think that post was a wonderful arse-essment of the situation, and where bloggers get their inspiration from. And there is no finer word in the Oirish dictionary than shite. Except for maybe feck.

    Liked by 3 people

    • August 26, 2015 at 11:33 pm

      I hereby charge you with the compilation of said Oirish dictionary, Ali. Only another 20,000 words to go! Can’t wait to read it. Will it be out for Christmas?! (300 points for puns btw)

      Like

  19. Todd Duffey Writes on Things
    August 26, 2015 at 9:43 pm

    My arse applauds your arse for having the bollocks to kick you in itself. Great material!

    Liked by 2 people

  20. August 27, 2015 at 12:12 am

    So Jimmy is not the only one talking through his swiss roll then? Thanks be to jaysis for that…good woman 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    • August 27, 2015 at 10:06 am

      Eh, Bernie Rose, go and read the last line again…. infractions do not go unnoticed!

      Like

  21. August 27, 2015 at 11:21 am

    Bar me!!! Ha,leave ir ou’ will ye 😂😂😂 ye mad yoke 😍

    Liked by 2 people

  22. August 31, 2015 at 9:16 pm

    Ah but Google wouldn’t understand a word of this.

    Liked by 2 people

    • August 31, 2015 at 10:56 pm

      Shhhh, they’ll hear you! And then they’ll figure out some way of arsing around with their algorithms, and that’s the last bastion of Irish privacy in smithereens…

      Like

  23. August 31, 2015 at 10:12 pm

    I will never cease to be surprised by this blog, Tara … By the way, did you have fun with the tags(for anyone wondering, give them a goo above;)) Speaking of arses, I used to work in a lab testing mostly fecal matter, oh the fun you’d have had there-(‘How’s your day going, mines been full of s#*t,’ ‘I’m dealing with too much s#*t today’ etc etc 😉 Anyhoo, thanks for making me smile:)

    Liked by 2 people

    • August 31, 2015 at 11:16 pm

      Oh, oodles of fun with those tags do I have! Although I assume people never read them, you’d be surprised what’s thrown into a search engine. I can’t think quite what to say about your lab job. Were you starting at the bottom, perhaps? 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  24. September 1, 2015 at 4:07 pm

    If my arse spoke to me i’d probably be in shock and would have to cover my ears cause of all the expletives it would utter!

    Liked by 2 people

    • September 1, 2015 at 11:04 pm

      Just as long as you don’t have to cover your nose too you should be grand, Ayesha.

      Liked by 1 person

  25. September 6, 2015 at 10:01 pm

    Just over a year ago I got out the big, rough block of polystyrene that I used as a seat in my studio (when I was a sculptor thirty plus years ago), put it in front of my desk and banished by little typist’s swivel chair. You can just imagine how that changed my conversations with my arse.

    Liked by 2 people

    • September 7, 2015 at 10:27 am

      I can only assume they became intellectual to the point of transcending the poetic, Hilary.

      Liked by 1 person

  26. September 23, 2015 at 1:29 pm

    Hey tara…I’m a Nigerian nd have been arsing around though… I just noticed my arse saying shut up to me while I thought ‘can a nigerian arse do that’ ..it’s a testimony..I can’t help but laugh

    Liked by 1 person

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