A Passive Aggressive and Yet Somehow Loving Exchange of Views With My Internet Profile

A Passive Aggressive and Yet Also Somehow Loving Exchange of Views With My Internet Profile

 

My Blog: [quiet font] Psst. Tara. Hey.

Me: What?

My Blog: Tara. Hiya. Remember me? I’m your blog.

Me: Not now, My Blog. I’m extremely busy.

My Blog: But you’ve always been busy. You never ignored me before.

Me: I’m not ignoring you. I just haven’t got time to update you right now.

My Blog: But it’s not just right now. You haven’t updated me in ages, like.

Me: I know. Sorry about that. It’s just the busyness. I am very busy right now being busy. And also important.

My Blog [injured font]: Too important to think about me?

Me: Don’t be silly. I think about you all the time.

My Blog: So why haven’t you updated me?

Me: Well, there’s a big difference between thinking about something and actually doing it, as you well know.

My Blog: Oh, you can sing it, sister.

Me: And then there’s the fact that I just started a new day job.

My Blog: Oh, Christ. I’m never going to see you again, am I?

Me: Not at all. I’m just not into my new routine yet, that’s all.

My Blog: This does not bode well.

Me: I think you’re taking this a bit personally.

My Blog: It’s all right for you. You get to exist every day. You go out to work, doing functional member of society stuff. You even get to earn money by having a day job. Not like me. No blog has earned money since 2011, and no new blog has been considered a valuable addition to online content since before even that. What am I supposed to do, while you go off doing real-life stuff? I mean, does anyone even talk about me anymore?

Me: Well, I don’t really talk about you outside of here, if I’m honest.

My Blog [seriously injured font] I knew it. You’re dumping me.

Me: I am not dumping you! I needed a bit of a break, is all.

My Blog: Not true. You proper left me for your new day job.

Me: On the contrary, I haven’t exactly committed to that relationship just yet.

My Blog: What, you mean you haven’t updated your LinkedIn profile?

Me: Precisely.

A Passive Aggressive and Yet Somehow Loving Exchange of Views With My Internet Profile

My Blog: [whiney font] But that doesn’t mean you haven’t abandoned me! Why can’t you write me every week like you used to?

Me: Well, for starters, I had a suspicion it was taking me away from my actual writing, My Blog. I mean, I hadn’t written any actual fiction for the guts of 12 months. But then I had 2 weeks off in between finishing the old day job and starting the new one. And do you know what I did?

My Blog: [sullen font] No.

Me: I finished a novel I had started in 2016, My Blog. That’s what I did. Instead of an unfinished story, I now have a completed first draft.

My Blog: [passive aggressive font] Congratulations. So?

Me: So a novel is something to work with, My Blog. It’s something that can go out into the world and, you know, network. Meet people.

My Blog: [indignant font] I am networking by definition, you daft eejit! Social networking!

Me: Yeah, but you’re one of a million, My Blog. There’s always a teeny tiny chance that a finished novel might turn into one IN a million.

My Blog: That is the most insulted I’ve been since someone compared me to a motoring blog.

Me: I really don’t understand how you can have such a thin skin, My Blog. I mean, you not only exist for the internet. You actually are the internet.

My Blog: I had dreams, blogdammit. I could’ve been a contender.

Me: Ah, you were, though, My Blog. You were a great contender. We’ve had some great times.

My Blog: I’m more than that, surely. Where else are you going to put the weirdest contents of your head, if not on your blog? I mean, where the hell are you going to put your snark? Your pathetic attempts at humour, and comic sketch-writing? Your imaginary conversations with inanimate concepts?

Me: But I never said I wasn’t going to blog, My Blog. I was just explaining why I haven’t, you know, been spending all my meagre available writing time updating you.

My Blog: [emotional blackmail font] You’re rejecting me. That’s what you’re doing.

Me: I’m not doing that at all, My Blog. And you know, you’re incredibly argumentative for an inanimate concept, I have to say. I’ve had better imaginary conversations.

My Blog: [resigned font] You try existing for the sole purpose of being a public receptacle for the dross from someone’s head, and tell me how it goes.

Me: Fair enough. I have to give you that one.

My Blog: So you’re not leaving me?

Me: No.

My Blog: But you’re not going to update me every week or two?

Me: Probably not. Not until I get settled into a new routine, anyway.

My Blog: But it’s not my fault?

Me: Not a bit.

My Blog: [wheedling font] Will you update me next week or the week after, though? Just in case?

Me: There’s a very good chance I will, yeah.

My Blog: Could you maybe… maybe just hold me for a minute?

Me: Oh my Blog. You are SO weird.

[A unique combination of ones and zeros embraces a keyboard with unquantifiable success]

 

THE END

  22 comments for “A Passive Aggressive and Yet Somehow Loving Exchange of Views With My Internet Profile

  1. March 2, 2020 at 7:13 am

    What’s the new day job, Tara?

    Liked by 2 people

    • March 2, 2020 at 7:25 am

      A stepped up version of the old one, John. This functioning member of society lark is a mug’s game!!

      Like

  2. March 2, 2020 at 7:57 am

    Can’t say anything because my blogging has been incredibly erratic (ie, rare) lately. Maggie needs fixing (my mobility device) and she comes from China near Wuhan.

    I’ve had the flu this week.

    The world is going crazy.

    And I’ve been utterly exhausted.

    My blog will just have to wait. They will survive – or they won’t.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. March 2, 2020 at 8:00 am

    Oh, and glad you’re okay. I would eventually have wondered, when I cleaned out my inbox. I’m going to…

    Liked by 2 people

    • March 2, 2020 at 8:04 am

      Thanks, Alicia. Hope you get your Chinese tech sorted out soon and the inbox takes care of itself!

      Like

  4. March 2, 2020 at 10:04 am

    Loved this conversation, Tara. Especially that last line!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. March 2, 2020 at 10:40 am

    I’m still giggling, Tara, I also appreciated the last line.(I once wrote a post about a conversation with a couple of my characters, and it was one of my favourites.) x

    Liked by 1 person

    • March 2, 2020 at 1:15 pm

      Tel you what, Joy, I’ve yet to meet a real conversation that’s half as satisfying as my imaginary ones. For one thing, I’m not half as cool in real life.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Will Hahn
    March 2, 2020 at 11:04 am

    Oh dear God Ms. Sparling. I’m updating my blog tomorrow, and it had exactly the same conversation with me. EXACTLY! Except, my blog thankfully did not have access to all those incredible fonts. Pretty much the standard Bookman Old Style- I think we’re alike in that way. You know, old and books and stuff. I digress- this is genius and I’m happy you could get some closure from the pain. My blog and me, we’re um, OK, but we don’t hug. Guy thing.

    Liked by 1 person

    • March 2, 2020 at 1:17 pm

      I wish YourBlog would have a word with MyBlog. I’ve never been into this online touchy feely thing and quite frankly, I think MyBlog is taking liberties. The font array doesn’t excuse it in the slightest. Hope YourBlog and you are both good though.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Dominique Blessing
    March 2, 2020 at 2:16 pm

    You never fail to make me laugh, Tara! Sometimes I feel that way about my novel writing. All the characters are suspended in a Brigadoon-like existence until I open up the files and tapping at the keyboard.

    Liked by 1 person

    • March 2, 2020 at 6:34 pm

      Sounds better than what I’ve got, Dominique… my lot are suspended in vinegar and aspic.

      Like

  8. March 2, 2020 at 3:58 pm

    You know, I sometimes have conversations with my blog. It tells me sometimes, in that injured font tone, to stop being so serious and be more like that Tara blog. Good talk with your blog.

    Liked by 1 person

    • March 2, 2020 at 6:35 pm

      Thank you Stanley. Although I should point out that I live in constant fear of anyone taking advice from my blog. Whole civilisations have crumbled for less.

      Like

  9. March 3, 2020 at 3:45 am

    ‘…blogdammit…’ … my newest, favouritest, swearword! 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  10. March 4, 2020 at 6:03 pm

    Well, your humor is still intact, Tara. I want some of those fonts. Lol. Hey, and keep up the writing!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • March 4, 2020 at 6:09 pm

      I will do my absolute best, Diana. Well, inasmuch as I can fit it into my current schedule of eating, sleeping, and watching Netflix…

      Liked by 1 person

  11. March 18, 2020 at 6:47 am

    I’ve just revamped my blog (AGAIN) because I feel like I *should* be blogging about my writing and stuff… But… I don’t really know why I feel that way?? Nobody’s pressuring me to blog about my writing except me – and now I’m wondering if maybe my blog is too? 🤔

    Liked by 1 person

    • March 22, 2020 at 4:36 pm

      Maybe it is… maybe your blog is a big bully and needs to be taught a lesson or two!! Maybe blog about whatever comes into your head and don’t tie yourself down to writing? In these strange times we’re now living in, now is the time to experiment, for sure! Good luck!

      Liked by 1 person

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