Selling Your Book In A Post-Factual, Post-Brexit World

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Dear Mister Publisher,

I have written the best book. My book will be bigger than the bible. It will make cynics laugh, optimists cry, and toast. Before he died, David Bowie said he wished he had written it.

It is impossible to say what my book is about without revealing a shocking twist which has never ever been done before, so people will have to buy it to find out. Anyone who doesn’t understand my legitimate reasons for secrecy is a potential terrorist.

Book jacket quotes will come from Ellen DeGeneres and the Dalai Lama.  Bono, James Joyce and Donald Trump will offer quotes, but be politely refused. The New York Times  will ask to syndicate it.

Genre doesn’t matter because absolutely everyone will want to read my book. People who haven’t read it will pretend they’ve read it, but get eviscerated at brunch parties for not understanding it properly. They will then pay someone else to go and buy it for them because they don’t want anyone thinking they might be buying it because they haven’t read it yet.

My book will sell 70 million copies in the first six months after publication. By Year 2, it will have sold more copies than Stephen King’s entire back catalogue, and Xerox. Charity shops will cry out for second-hand copies, but nobody will want to part with theirs, so the charity shops will be forced to buy new editions for reselling.

Selling Your Book In A Post-Factual, Post-Brexit World

Some people will criticise my book, because they will be jealous of my success. They will make snide remarks about my book not winning any prizes. They will learn that readers are sick of prizes. Readers don’t want to hear from elitist, self-interested judges, picking books that nobody ever wants to read, full of thoughts, and big words, like marmalade. My book is popular fiction, for real people. Proper people, with eyebrows and families, who eat food, and use electricity. Those sorts of people.

When the international translation rights are sold into every country in the world, all disease-bearing insects in Africa and South America will suddenly migrate into outer space, and the lunar calendar will switch to a cycle of just 10 days. Scientists will study these phenomena before finally admitting that they never knew anything about science. They will stop sciencing to go and read my book.

Once people have read my book, they will be happy forever. Nobody will ever get angry, unless it’s with someone who says they didn’t read my book.

Selling Your Book In A Post-Factual, Post-Brexit World

Other authors will try to imitate me, but never succeed. Readers will be so disappointed in their inferior efforts that they will have to buy another copy of my book to cheer themselves up. New industries will spring up to satisfy the demand for merchandise related to my book. The manufacture of my book-branded mugs and nasal clips alone will bring eleven economically injured European countries into a stratospheric boom.

Everybody will get rich from my book, except for people who don’t believe in it. They won’t get anything. They will regret this.

There will be statues erected to me in New York, Paris, and Turkmenistan, at a cost of just one billion dollars. One of these statues will win the Turner Prize for its abstract depiction of world domination. Festivals will be held in honour of my book, every year on my birthday. During one of them, a small boy will claim to have seen me levitating. My people will confirm this, and give him a certificate.

I look forward to signing my lucrative contract with you. If you don’t publish my book, your business will fail, your taxes will rise, and your children will be arrested for paranoia. Thank you for your time, and the 97% royalties embedded in the forthcoming contract from you to me, for my book.

Yours post-factually,

Tara Sparling

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  83 comments for “Selling Your Book In A Post-Factual, Post-Brexit World

  1. June 28, 2016 at 7:36 am

    Can I pre-order a copy?

    Liked by 1 person

  2. June 28, 2016 at 8:03 am

    Cheers for another entertaining read. So on the theme of post-Brexit, do you think there’s a possibility that Ireland might unify? I mean Northern Ireland wants to stick with the EU…

    Liked by 3 people

    • June 28, 2016 at 8:28 am

      I’ll be honest with you, Kathy. I would rather write a 5-star review and fan fiction for Fifty Shades of Grey, post them on the blog and allow EL James to whip me inexpertly, than enter that particular debate!

      Liked by 4 people

  3. June 28, 2016 at 8:26 am

    I can’t believe it! That’s MY book! You plagiarist! You stole my book!

    Liked by 6 people

    • June 28, 2016 at 9:25 am

      I’ll see you in court. I should warn you, my lawyers are very good at argumenting.

      Liked by 3 people

      • June 30, 2016 at 7:24 pm

        Well my lawyers are very good at talking in a way no normal person, even authors who are very good at making up their own words, can understand and charging lots of money for it, so yours are bound to be confuddled and befused by it all. Guess I win then. Its just a race as to who can publish first! 😁😂😄

        Like

        • June 30, 2016 at 11:37 pm

          Nah, you don’t scare me, Ali. My people invented bamfuzzlement. They once convinced a right-wing communist that he was a tin of tomatoes. You can’t get more obfuscated than that.

          Like

  4. June 28, 2016 at 8:29 am

    You have me thinking of leaps of a zillion kinds and that’s rather startling before even a brekkie of bread and dripping has been consumed.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Tom Gould
    June 28, 2016 at 8:55 am

    Controversial though this comment may be I think we have been very brave by leaving the EU. Because although I did Vote to remain. I was at heart a Eurosceptic. But now we are free of any totalitarian regime that subtley controls not our laws I agree but it certainly had a say in them and I still fee l very strongly that we should be in Europe, not run by Europe.

    Like

    • June 28, 2016 at 9:40 am

      Maybe not controversial, Tom, but I’m not sure it’s relevant. The post is a satire on counterfactual statements. And I have no intention of letting this comment thread descend into a post-referendum food fight.

      Liked by 3 people

  6. June 28, 2016 at 9:16 am

    Reblogged this on helenjnoble.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. June 28, 2016 at 9:35 am

    I think I’ve read this.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. June 28, 2016 at 9:50 am

    I heard the American translation includes a section on self building walls, the revelations that the recently found tablets of stone signed J Smith and written in ancient Mor’on required every five year old to be given a Maccy D branded assault rifle and genetically prove Mexico is in fact both Sodom and Gomorrah except on Thursdays. Can I be your London agent. I’m super qualified as I have already donated Daivd Cameron to medical research and undertaken a study of crustaceans that prove anyone with uncombable blond hair is 75% termite. Thanks for a joyous morning. I’m off to register you as both a religion and a herpes cure.

    Liked by 4 people

    • June 28, 2016 at 10:19 am

      Oh, this is turning into the Comment Of The Year Awards… I just spat coffee all over the desk. And I can’t tell anyone around me why. Genius. You can be my London agent, my personal chef, and my Chief Confession Extractor. I look forward to my religion and STD robes. Joyous thanks.

      Liked by 2 people

      • June 28, 2016 at 3:28 pm

        I hope you’ll save a relic for me.

        Liked by 2 people

        • June 28, 2016 at 3:38 pm

          Oh, I can do better than that. I’ll make you one.

          Liked by 2 people

          • June 28, 2016 at 11:57 pm

            It’s late in the day here, so I spit my gin & tonic several times when I read this conversation. Will this be in the book, or can I use it?

            Liked by 1 person

            • June 29, 2016 at 12:00 pm

              I would let you use it, only I’m afraid this conversation hasn’t been verified, unlike everything else to do with this post, which is, of course, true. Sorry to disappoint you. Well done on the G+T. Much easier to clean the sputter, I find.

              Like

          • June 29, 2016 at 12:44 am

            Oh wow. That’s marvellous. I’m partial to beatified elbows, though no purple. It gives me wind.

            Liked by 1 person

  9. June 28, 2016 at 10:28 am

    Reblogged this on Chris The Story Reading Ape's Blog and commented:
    Every Author’s Hope? 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  10. June 28, 2016 at 10:45 am

    Reblogged this on Imelda Conway-Duffy.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. June 28, 2016 at 12:12 pm

    Reblogged this on suzannebowditch and commented:
    The dream book for any author 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  12. June 28, 2016 at 12:42 pm

    I really think you’re understating your abilities here. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  13. June 28, 2016 at 1:14 pm

    Thank you, but it’s not right for us. Good luck in placing it elsewhere.

    Liked by 2 people

  14. June 28, 2016 at 4:07 pm

    The post-factual publishers are going to fight over your contract. Get ready for the frenzy, Tara. They can’t wait to earn their billions from their 3%.

    Liked by 2 people

  15. June 28, 2016 at 5:19 pm

    I’ll wait for the film.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. June 28, 2016 at 5:53 pm

    Words fail me… except I wish I was you, Tara! 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    • June 28, 2016 at 6:48 pm

      I understand, Jan. Sigh. It’s so hard being the humblest person on earth.

      Like

  17. June 28, 2016 at 6:01 pm

    Ha ha ha. Superb. I’d like to order enough copies for my country. 😎 😀 😀

    Liked by 2 people

  18. June 28, 2016 at 6:32 pm

    Love it!

    Liked by 1 person

  19. carolannwrites
    June 28, 2016 at 7:23 pm

    You are SO right! Your book is the perfect thickness for holding up my wobbly desk.
    I don’t know which is funnier… Your post or the comment threads. 😂😂

    Liked by 1 person

    • June 28, 2016 at 8:36 pm

      They’re all regular comedians around here, Carolann. Some days I can barely get a joke in edgewise. I’m having my people look into it.

      Liked by 2 people

  20. June 29, 2016 at 12:02 am

    Reblogged this on bhalsop and commented:
    The Irish Wonder has written a sample letter for authors to send to publishers. Or maybe it’s a letter for sample authors to send to publishers. Or whatever. It and the comments are worth a read if you are depressed by the news of the world, or not. Have at it.

    Liked by 1 person

    • June 29, 2016 at 11:57 am

      I like the idea of sample authors. It’s like academia meeting social media and having a metaphysical crisis. Just the sort of thing I love. Thanks for re-blogging!

      Like

  21. June 29, 2016 at 1:26 am

    The ultimate and definitive non-query letter…
    Brilliant.
    My compliments.
    (I will return)
    (As MacArthur said)
    Cheers

    Liked by 1 person

    • June 29, 2016 at 11:58 am

      I look forward to your return. It’s the compliments I want, really, but still, I can be polite.

      Like

  22. June 29, 2016 at 5:10 pm

    Reblogged this on Michaelphelps1's Blog and commented:
    TARA BEAT ME TO IT! I THINK HER BOOK & MY WORK-IN-PROGRESS ARE VERY SIMILAR! I WISH TARA THE BEST OF SUCCESS!

    Liked by 1 person

  23. June 29, 2016 at 6:29 pm

    I would have bought a copy, but it’ll be subject to UK import tax now, so I’m not bothered. On the cover of the book will your author photo include a picture of you in a blonde Boris wig? (Special edition; could be worth a bob or two some day soon…)

    Liked by 1 person

    • June 29, 2016 at 9:50 pm

      But Chris, Chris. How do you not know that that very import tax INCREASES the value of my book? Meaning if you buy it, you will get back credits times twenty-three. I’ve done the math on this, so you don’t need to. And no, no blonde wig. There’s been a run on them lately.

      Liked by 1 person

  24. June 29, 2016 at 6:39 pm

    Lol! Are you sure that book of yours isn’t Trump’s biography? 😮

    Liked by 1 person

    • June 29, 2016 at 9:51 pm

      Well, I know he said he’s got the best words, Jean. Turns out, he didn’t get all of them. 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  25. June 30, 2016 at 3:31 am

    I don’t know how to tell you this, but this is, in fact, a blatant rip off of my book, “Selling Your Book In a Post Modernist, Post-Factual, Pre-Brexit World, Pre-Trump World,” except for the title and the part where I predict that there will be books like yours that try to cash in on my success without accrediting me, and probably without even doing the online searches to see if someone else already wrote it.

    Liked by 1 person

    • June 30, 2016 at 2:54 pm

      Well, Phillip, it’s like I always say. There will always be imitators, except when you get in first, and speak knowledgeably and confidently enough to convince people that you were first in the first place, thereby making the first last, and the last first. The bible said that first, I believe, and as my book is bigger than that, I think I’ve proven my point quite admirably. I know you agree with me.

      Like

  26. June 30, 2016 at 3:34 am

    Reblogged this on Wind Eggs and commented:
    Did I not predict, in this very blog, that someone, somwhere would rip off one of my books and promotional posts with something so obvious, so blatant, almost word for word?

    Liked by 1 person

  27. July 3, 2016 at 8:47 am

    Your book will undoubtedly be the greatest work of literature on the planet, if not the universe. Yes, there have been naysayers. I know for example, that all major publishers, all bookstores, all literary associations and the literature departments of all universities in the English-speaking world have said your book will not succeed. Well, so what? I think people have had enough of experts.

    Liked by 1 person

    • July 4, 2016 at 11:15 am

      Oh, they have most certainly had enough of experts, Bun. Even the people pointing the fingers at experts now have become too expert for the hoi polloi. This morning a man tried to explain why my coffee had gone up 20 cents and I was forced to punch him in the face (I am very conscious of my civic duty).

      Liked by 1 person

  28. July 6, 2016 at 4:39 pm

    Some ideas there for promoting my next book which has just gone to the printer after revising it for nth time on holiday. Of course I didn’t know then that it would be a post-Brexit book, but then it might not be in that category for long, depending on what happens with regard to Scotland and the EU. When everyone stops spinning, answers and a plan may emerge, but I don’t hold my breath.

    Liked by 1 person

    • July 7, 2016 at 10:00 am

      I definitely wouldn’t hold my breath, Dorothy. It makes you turn red, then purple, then you end up looking like a politician, which is no state to be in no matter what way you voted.

      Like

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