The Secret To World Domination Is… A Hairy Irishman

They’re Irish. They’re hairy. And they’re taking over the world.

It’s all very well perfecting your craft – whatever that might be – and seeking fame and fortune on the strength of it. But the fact is that unless you grow the hair to go with it, you’re wasting your time. I lay the cases of the following indomitable Irish men in front of you in order to irrefutably prove my point. And I’m warning you: there is literally no point in arguing with my hypothesis, because it is perfect.

1. Hozier

Hairy Irishmen: The Secret To World DominationI was watching Glastonbury highlights the other day from the safety of my couch. And there he was, throwing his hair around like he hadn’t a care in the world: Andrew Hozier-Byrne. And indeed, why wouldn’t he? He’s only after writing one of the best songs of the last decade (Take Me To Church), finally persuaded to take his hair out of that awkward ponytail and let it flap round his face like the uncaged animal it is. About a year ago, his hair seemed shy and reserved, as though intimidated by its own violent popularity. But now the hair flies free, and it’s – sorry, I mean he’s – taking over the world.

2. Aidan Turner

Hairy Irishmen: The Secret To World DominationFollowing his turn on the latest incarnation of BBC’s Poldark, this gentleman’s hair got so popular that the Internet exploded and he was forced to keep it indoors, out of sight, for reasons of personal safety. Mind you, this also necessitated the keeping of himself indoors too, attached as he was to his hair, with the result that he hasn’t been seen in public since that kerfuffle when 600 early-to-late middle-aged women threatened to throw themselves over a cliff in Cornwall in protest at the prospect of a whole year’s wait for the next series.

3. Graham Norton

Hairy Irishmen: The Secret To World DominationAs if that wasn’t enough, there’s the darling of celebrity passport control: the man whose show A-Listers scramble to get on for a bit of actual real fun when in the UK on interminable promotional tours. Graham already had half a bumcheek in the throne when his hair hauled the rest of him over the finish line. Now, Graham bucked the trend by growing it on the front rather than the back of his head, but I think we’re agreed that this sudden beardiness was the final jewel in that weighty and witty crown. You just can’t argue with that much hirsute gravitas being issued with his contrasting boyish grin.

4. Daniel-Day Lewis: The Grandaddy Of Irish Hairiness

I know he’s retired about six times now, but we need to watch the hair. I don’t know how many films this guy’s made – and let’s face it, I couldn’t be arsed researching it – but his career has followed a strict hair matrix, and if he didn’t realise it, he’s not the man I’m saying he is for the purposes of this post. Each and every time the Day-Lewis has been nominated for an Oscar or BAFTA, let alone won one, it’s been with extreme hair. His short-haired, clean-shaven movies have been relative flops. All I’m saying is, if you see the Day-Lewis wandering about Wicklow with any noticeable hair growth, place your bets now. The evidence is simply overwhelming:

Hairy Irishmen: The Secret To World Domination

1. My Left Foot – serious beardiness at the end of the movie. Very effective. And did you see the hair (bottom right) with which he picked up his first Oscar?

2. Last Of The Mohicans – I get choked up when I think of his long flowing locks in this one. Simply magnificent.

2. In The Name Of The Father – Aidan Turner learned much from this tortured Day-Lewis incarnation. Much.

3. Gangs Of New York – That moustache! Those side locks! The plastered-down fringe! Extraordinary.

4. There Will Be Blood – More ‘tache. Some beard. Long, tousled top action. A keratin symphony.

5. Lincoln – This beard, sideburn and standy-up cow’s lick fringe combination had its own agent. You can see why.

But take heed, Irish men. Just like Samson, your strength lies in your hair. If you cut it or, heaven forbid, shave it, your reign will be over.

And if you love your country, and wish to do your duty by furthering her place on the world’s stage, for God’s sake, to paraphrase a recent Disney movie which conquered the world: Let It Grow.

The Secret To World Domination Is A Hairy Irishman

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  53 comments for “The Secret To World Domination Is… A Hairy Irishman

  1. July 6, 2015 at 12:18 pm

    You’re clearly correct. After all, witness recent talks of a Greek haircut. Need I say more?

    Oh, and the answer is 25. Unless you include TV movies, in which case it’s 28.

    Liked by 1 person

    • July 6, 2015 at 12:26 pm

      Oh, that is just superb, Nick. 😀 😀 I am in awe. Can’t believe I didn’t spot that before I released this, particularly considering what I do for a living, but I suppose the Greeks were always very enlightened… mind you, in wouldn’t a Hellenic haircut be welcome about now?!

      Liked by 1 person

      • July 6, 2015 at 12:27 pm

        Depends on whose hair we’re talking about. Talk around here is of a 30% haircut to people’s bank deposits.

        Liked by 1 person

        • July 6, 2015 at 12:28 pm

          Ah yes. It was national debt I was referring to. So an emphatic no to that. When it comes to residential bank deposits, the hairier the better.

          Liked by 2 people

          • July 6, 2015 at 12:33 pm

            Liked by 3 people

            • July 6, 2015 at 12:36 pm

              Now, as we say in Ireland, we’re sucking diesel. We flogged our Celtic Tiger years ago, but let us hope for the Hellenic Yeti.

              Liked by 1 person

              • July 6, 2015 at 12:38 pm

                I’m about to contact an Irish recruiter. Although I’m having second thoughts if I have to suck diesel first.

                Like

                • July 6, 2015 at 12:40 pm

                  You’ll have to trust me that it’s a good thing. Also a metaphor, and not necessarily business-appropriate, so you might park it for now!

                  Liked by 1 person

                  • July 6, 2015 at 12:43 pm

                    Well, I obviously *have* to park it (whatever *it* is), now that I’ve sucked out all of our diesel!

                    *mental note: google weird Irish expressions before contacting said recruiter*

                    Liked by 3 people

            • July 6, 2015 at 7:15 pm

              OMG. I burst out laughing when this scrolled by. Nice hair!!!

              Liked by 2 people

  2. July 6, 2015 at 1:19 pm

    There’s the hairiness, and then there’s the accent.
    *Goes misty eyed at the memory of going down for last orders at the Irish pub, just to hear the lovely barman say ‘ what can I get you, ladies?’

    Liked by 1 person

    • July 6, 2015 at 2:37 pm

      I’m happy to report that the Irish accent is an equal opportunities employer. I myself have employed it while abroad to great effect, without any gender restrictions. Sadly however, Irish men’s accents are wasted on Irish women.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. July 6, 2015 at 2:52 pm

    I remember when Jimmy had hair *sigh*

    Liked by 1 person

  4. July 6, 2015 at 3:52 pm

    I am delighted with Irish hair and Irish accents. One of the elders of my writers group is of Irish blood, though somewhat attenuated, and has much white hair on his head, the ability to spout an Irish accent upon a moment”s notice, and a wonderful job with a Guinness. He is woebegone because, after a recent serious heart scare, he is no longer allowed to drink the hearty stuff. As for DDL in Last of the Mohicans….woof!

    Liked by 1 person

    • July 6, 2015 at 4:05 pm

      And I just bought Hozier’s album with the bonus tracks. Thanks for letting me know.

      Liked by 1 person

      • July 6, 2015 at 6:02 pm

        I know I’m poking fun, but he’s a bit of a genius, isn’t he? What a voice. He used to be so shy, though. Swallowed by the stage and worn by his hair. Now he owns it. Glad you bought the album – it’s bloody brilliant.

        Like

        • July 6, 2015 at 6:31 pm

          I am listening to it now and am frankly stunned. This is how old ladies like me find modern musicians. I found two videos of him on Jimmy Kimmel Live, and loved the line “I fall in love just a litle, oh a litlle bit everyday with someone new>” and knew I was hooked. Talking with another old lady, we agreed that this is a fine line!

          Liked by 1 person

  5. July 6, 2015 at 4:23 pm

    You are just too funny. That’s all I have to say. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • July 6, 2015 at 6:04 pm

      There’s no such thing as too funny, Lorraine, unless you’re at a funeral. Which is a large part of Irish life, to be fair, so it’s a wonder we ever joke at all.

      Liked by 1 person

      • July 7, 2015 at 4:28 am

        Yes, I’ve inappropriately laughed at many a funeral, so I get your point. But still… you take the cake! 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  6. July 6, 2015 at 7:11 pm

    Well spotted, Tara. Have you see the Fassbender lately? Doubtful the carpets and curtains match but if they’re looking for a lead in the re-make of Darby O’Gill, he’s yer man.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. July 6, 2015 at 7:17 pm

    I have to admit a “thing” for the hair as long as it isn’t out of the 70’s and 80’s. I don’t know what people were thinking during those decades.

    Liked by 1 person

    • July 6, 2015 at 10:39 pm

      Unless we’re talking the 1770s or the 1880s, when I must argue it was a very welcome sight (Poldark a case in point). But I agree on the last century. The generation before me can never, ever, ever, ever atone for the mullet. It was a travesty of apocalyptic proportions.

      Liked by 1 person

      • July 7, 2015 at 12:31 am

        Ha ha ha. I was thinking Brady Bunch (and my old year book), but the mullet takes the cake! Ha!

        Liked by 1 person

  8. July 6, 2015 at 10:20 pm

    Sparling!
    You have done it now. I know that this post is simply a way of getting at me. It’s your way of saying I come up short. Not withstanding by standing a manly 5′ 8″ tall and being Irish to my core, you have to bring up the hair thing.
    How could you!

    Liked by 2 people

    • July 6, 2015 at 10:41 pm

      Conor, if I’d known before that you had any designs on world domination, I would have appointed myself both your Chief Spin Doctor and Head of Stealth Marketing: this post would never have been written, let alone published. However, it seems we’ve missed the boat now. Next time you’re planning Armageddon, could you send me a note?

      Liked by 2 people

      • July 7, 2015 at 7:03 am

        I will arrange it when I get back from holidays.

        Liked by 1 person

        • July 7, 2015 at 8:52 am

          What?? Holidays?? There are no holidays in world dominion! This is not in the manifesto. You’re fired! No, I’m fired! EVERYONE IS FIRED!

          Liked by 1 person

  9. July 7, 2015 at 5:19 am

    What about chest hair? I want to see if I got that part right, in the book.

    Liked by 1 person

    • July 7, 2015 at 8:56 am

      Sorry Christine, chest hair doesn’t apply in this instance. Aidan Turner’s is very respectable, but it would distract too much from the genius of the other 3. It’s all about the ceann.

      Liked by 1 person

  10. July 7, 2015 at 9:35 am

    You should have posted this last Thursday. I got my hair cut on Friday. However, I’m not Irish, but if I slipped a discreet O’ before the name Harrison would I get away with it when the hair grows again?

    I wanted to contradict this article (the challenge was in the first paragraph), but I think you’re right. Straggly-haired Bono was top of the muck heap when he looked like an Andalucian horse and look what happened when he went all Marine-corps jughead? Reduced to giving his albums away on iphones.

    Liked by 1 person

    • July 7, 2015 at 10:04 am

      You’re so right about Bono. I had considered including him, but he would have necessitated a whole other Samson-type list of people who lost their mojo, and the career progression of the Day-Lewis covered all bases.

      I wouldn’t worry about the haircut, Chris. It’s been 200 years since it was last fashionable for men to wear wigs, but every trend revival has to start somewhere.

      Like

  11. July 8, 2015 at 4:41 pm

    Aidan Turner…. drool…. I’ve had a crush since Being Human. I have been prowling around Cornwall just for the chance of dropping at his feet. He would probably trip over me though.
    Sx

    Liked by 1 person

    • July 8, 2015 at 10:30 pm

      If he hadn’t already tripped over someone else, Scarlet. I’m told Cornish tourism is up 43,495% this year. I imagine the security detail when they go back to film in September is going to involve armoured tanks.

      Like

  12. July 18, 2015 at 9:33 pm

    Tara, the idea of arguing your point never even crossed the ante-chamber of my mind, ’cause you’re obviously absolutely right.
    How have I never realised it? I must be blind!

    Liked by 1 person

    • July 19, 2015 at 4:41 pm

      Have you tried cutting the fringe over your eyes? Just a thought. 😀

      Like

      • July 19, 2015 at 8:40 pm

        Sorry, I have to tell you… I don’t wear a fringe. I don’t think this is a good thing…. 😦

        Liked by 1 person

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