Recently I found myself writing a whole series of jokes from the point of view of a “Superblogger” – the biggest, thickest, richest, most popular social influencer of them all. Getting into the mindset of this online juggernaut who was simultaneously self aware and unaware got me thinking.
What would it be like to be a modern internet superhero? What powers would they have? And can I squeeze another joke out of it somewhere, because we all know that’s my raison d’être, no matter how much I try to dress it up as a life lesson?
No matter what’s in vogue, we haven’t been able to get enough of superheroes since about 1949. Ever since the first manly man stuck his underpants outside his trousers and flew or leapt impossible distances through the air, we’ve been hungry for fantastic tales of fantastic people doing fantastic things to our enemies.
The only thing is, since the Internet took over our lives, we’ve acquired many, many new enemies, but few new superpowers.
Superpowers haven’t really changed that much in the last 80 years or so. We’re still reading about super strength and mind-reading and imperviousness to bullets, and yet the world has changed utterly. We need new superpowers now for people fighting the good fight online and in the ensuing culture wars.
So what kind of powers do we need, then? What do us ordinary people who have thrust ourselves into public profiles as writers, Instagrammers, YouTubers and general social influencers need? Is it time to write about superpowers for a new generation?
Superpowers for Social Influencers – Bloggers, Instagrammers, and YouTubers Especially
1. Kevlar Feelings
We could all do with a bit of this, but just imagine what the internet would be like for someone with this power.
Instagram Follower: DIE YOU UGLY TOILET FACED IDIOT I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU
SuperInstagrammer: Oh, dear. That person seems quite unhappy, and it has manifested itself in a diatribe of vitriol directed at me because I am so wonderful and popular. I have no doubt that their mother didn’t love them. I must send them a message of support immediately.
2. Unstoppable Style
This will be invaluable for fashion and beauty bloggers, but is equally translatable for any artistic and creative type. Everything posted by the Superinstagrammer or Superblogger will become an instant hit and sell out within seconds -even books about vampires.
3. Irresistible Magnetism
This superpower is truly super: it’s the power to attract hits and views even from people who have absolutely no interest in the subject of the post. It can result in a lot of confused wildlife and yoga enthusiasts helplessly mesmerised by posts on gaming and make-up contouring tutorials. A truly special talent which, if deployed for evil, could result in the destruction of the luxury car industry.
4. Invincible Popularity
This superpower is combined with the supernatural ability to know which posts will increase follower count +100,000. No matter what this Superblogger does, they cannot lose any followers, all of which are real and in no way fake. Even a major faux pas, such as a heartless and derogatory comment about an entire ethnic group, results in the addition of 2 million followers as people become enthralled by the Superblogger’s journey into new worlds of understanding and branded leisurewear.Embed from Getty Images
Superpowers for Writers
1. Titanium Confidence
It doesn’t matter what the Superwriter writes, they just know it’s going to change the world, every time. The stories in their heads never lose their sheen and as a result, always get finished. Even more powerfully, negative reviews bounce off them like raindrops off canvas. They read negative reviews as interesting experiments in social psychology, and immediately turn their most negative reviews into interesting anti-heroes in future works of Important Art.
2. The power to smash through writer’s block, every time
The Superwriter very rarely has writer’s block, but when they do, all it takes is 3.2 minutes of consideration, and the obstacle is obliterated by sheer force of will and mental strength, resulting in a flurry of productivity that zips through 3 entire chapters, paving the way for an easy slalom to the end of the novel. Funnily enough, a side effect of this superpower is the ability to never be stuck for ideas on what to make for dinner.
3. Market Mind Control
People think it’s uncanny how the Superwriter seems to know exactly which stories and genres are about to electrify the reading public. They launched the seminal story on female assassins in the week Killing Eve hit our TV screens. A solitary month after they finished their hilarious romp through epic earthquakes of the 20th century, the biggest earthquake ever recorded shocked the world by hitting the city of London. Uncanny, I tell you.
4. Industry Mind Control
Many non-super writers will ask the question: why does everything the Superwriter writes get such a wonderful reception by agents and publishers? No matter what they put out, it results in a bidding war. It’s almost as though they speak the language of industry professionals, continually producing exactly what they want, when they want it, presenting it in a way which immediately conveys its full market potential (including TV and movie rights). Eventually the Superwriter goes the whole hog and sets up their own publishing company which puts all the others out of business within months. It results in accusations of supervillainry, but hey – that’s narrative.
And that’s all she wrote. I’ll be back later on in the year with the Superblogger series. You’re going to love it. Its ego knows no bounds, and its popularity juggernaut mows down all in its path.
Feel free to bring more superpowers to the table in the comments. What internet-ish superpowers would you most like to have?