Taking inspiration from J.K. Rowling, who wrote the last chapter of the Harry Potter series long before half the books were even published, I’ve decided to write my 2014 reviews now. It will save time at the end of the year, when I’ll be very busy with TV appearances, liposuction and smiting my enemies.
Only kidding. I won’t be smiting any enemies over Christmas 2014. ‘Twill be the season of goodwill, remember!
2014 – A Year of Surprises
Who knew that the best selling book of January would buck the trend of the past 100 years? SO I’M FAT. DEAL WITH IT! A Guide to Maintaining Those Hard-Earned Festive Pounds had sold 2.3 million copies in France alone by January 13th. There were reports of Cheryl Cole having gained 100g, but these were never confirmed.
Literary critics the world over were unceremoniously fired for failing to spot that 6 out of the top 10 bestsellers in February were all written by J.K. Rowling, under different pseudonyms. This was seen by some as a bit harsh. Who could possibly have spotted that she was the one behind I.B. Hiden’s How To Pass Your Driving Test In 6 Easy
Confessions Of A Billionaire Tax Defaulter was a runaway success in the USA and 23 European countries, but it is still unconfirmed which country the anonymous confessor was actually referring to.
By the 20th, April had been officially declared Fake Autobiography Month. You wait years for a good fictional account of historical figures and then they all come at once. Top of the heap here were You Thought I Meant What Exactly? (Jesus Christ); Each Night I Cried Myself To Sleep (Denis Thatcher) and The Writer’s Wife: No Romeo (Anne Hathaway-Shakespeare)
Fortune smiled on Jane Doe in May, when One Direction, her hitherto unknown self-published E-book about migrating birds, was mistaken by a billion fans for a kiss-and-tell on all 5 members of the now alcohol- and drug-dependent boy band. By the time the mistake had been realised, Jane’s mortgage was paid off, and she herself had migrated south for the winter.
June was a washout, boosting the sales of rainy day romance e-book titles, but in a surprise twist, from male narrators. The battle was won by Weak Female Falls For Controlling Billionaire, Pseudo-Independent Neurotic Finds Out Boy Next Door Is Actually A Stud and The Implausible Marriage Proposal.
July and August
The traditional months of the silly season lived up to their name with the announcement that Katie Price’s breasts had finished the last 20 chapters of her latest book. Sales doubled.
September was the first month to see E-book sales outstrip print book sales. This had little effect upon traditional publishing however, as the figures were vigorously disputed by the major houses. Eventually, an industry-wide conference was held, at which a unanimous decision was taken to become more proactive in the field of e-publishing. Organised picketing outside Amazon offices continued for the remainder of the year.
Literary fiction came to the fore in October for a brief spell when The Wilting of Wiltersdon hit the bestseller list for 2 hours in the afternoon of Wednesday 22nd. The book, described as “the most astute psychological narrative on depression-era turnip growing in a decade”, provided arts programmes and book festivals with their sole interviewee for the next seven months.
The runaway Christmas bestseller was also the most predictable, visible with the naked eye for a six-thousand mile radius. The 16-line long prequel and movie-appetite whetter 50 Shades: The Hidden Depths Of Christian Grey had sold 103 million copies before anyone realised its length.
…Tune in next time for a true account of this writer’s 2014 accomplishments. (They take me just a little bit longer to make up than this lot.) In the meantime – share with us! What are your writing goals for 2014?