2014: The Year That Was (Part 1)

image courtesy freedigitalphotos.net

image courtesy freedigitalphotos.net

Taking inspiration from J.K. Rowling, who wrote the last chapter of the Harry Potter series long before half the books were even published, I’ve decided to write my 2014 reviews now. It will save time at the end of the year, when I’ll be very busy with TV appearances, liposuction and smiting my enemies.

Only kidding. I won’t be smiting any enemies over Christmas 2014. ‘Twill be the season of goodwill, remember!

Surprise!!First, we have a look at some of the bestselling books and trends of 2014.  (To follow, we will have a description of my own writing 2014. You won’t believe what happened me next year.)

2014 – A Year of Surprises

 

January

Who knew that the best selling book of January would buck the trend of the past 100 years? SO I’M FAT. DEAL WITH IT! A Guide to Maintaining Those Hard-Earned Festive Pounds had sold 2.3 million copies in France alone by January 13th. There were reports of Cheryl Cole having gained 100g, but these were never confirmed.

February

Literary critics the world over were unceremoniously fired for failing to spot that 6 out of the top 10 bestsellers in February were all written by J.K. Rowling, under different pseudonyms. This was seen by some as a bit harsh. Who could possibly have spotted that she was the one behind I.B. Hiden’s How To Pass Your Driving Test In 6 Easy Spells Steps?

March

Confessions Of A Billionaire Tax Defaulter was a runaway success in the USA and 23 European countries, but it is still unconfirmed which country the anonymous confessor was actually referring to.

April

By the 20th, April had been officially declared Fake Autobiography Month. You wait years for a good fictional account of historical figures and then they all come at once. Top of the heap here were You Thought I Meant What Exactly? (Jesus Christ);  Each Night I Cried Myself To Sleep (Denis Thatcher) and The Writer’s Wife: No Romeo (Anne Hathaway-Shakespeare)

May

Fortune smiled on Jane Doe in May, when One Direction, her hitherto unknown self-published E-book about migrating birds, was mistaken by a billion fans for a kiss-and-tell on all 5 members of the now alcohol- and drug-dependent boy band. By the time the mistake had been realised, Jane’s mortgage was paid off, and she herself had migrated south for the winter.

image source freedigitalphotos.net

image source freedigitalphotos.net

June

June was a washout, boosting the sales of rainy day romance e-book titles, but in a surprise twist, from male narrators. The battle was won by Weak Female Falls For Controlling Billionaire, Pseudo-Independent Neurotic Finds Out Boy Next Door Is Actually A Stud and The Implausible Marriage Proposal.

 

July and August

The traditional months of the silly season lived up to their name with the announcement that Katie Price’s breasts had finished the last 20 chapters of her latest book. Sales doubled.

September

September was the first month to see E-book sales outstrip print book sales. This had little effect upon traditional publishing however, as the figures were vigorously disputed by the major houses. Eventually, an industry-wide conference was held, at which a unanimous decision was taken to become more proactive in the field of e-publishing. Organised picketing outside Amazon offices continued for the remainder of the year.

October

Literary fiction came to the fore in October for a brief spell when The Wilting of Wiltersdon hit the bestseller list for 2 hours in the afternoon of Wednesday 22nd. The book, described as “the most astute psychological narrative on depression-era turnip growing in a decade”, provided arts programmes and book festivals with their sole interviewee for the next seven months.

Man Fixing TieNovember and December

The runaway Christmas bestseller was also the most predictable, visible with the naked eye for a six-thousand mile radius. The 16-line long prequel and movie-appetite whetter 50 Shades: The Hidden Depths Of Christian Grey had sold 103 million copies before anyone realised its length.

…Tune in next time for a true account of this writer’s 2014 accomplishments. (They take me just a little bit longer to make up than this lot.) In the meantime – share with us! What are your writing goals for 2014?

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  24 comments for “2014: The Year That Was (Part 1)

  1. January 2, 2014 at 2:29 pm

    Thanks for my first out loud belly laugh of 2014 Tara! lol
    Wishing you every success with all your other endeavours this year 😉

    Like

    • January 2, 2014 at 2:35 pm

      Pleasure all mine Janowyn… Thank you for your comment & may you have a bellylaugh-filled 2014! 😁

      Like

  2. carolannwrites
    January 2, 2014 at 3:00 pm

    I’m falling around the room with laughter one minute, then thinking well that’s almost plausible the next! Thank you Tara Sparling for giving me the best entertainment I’ve had this year!

    Like

    • January 2, 2014 at 4:29 pm

      And here was me sitting at my desk, wallowing in back-to-work misery, until your comment brightened my day. Touché 😉

      Like

  3. johanna buchanan
    January 2, 2014 at 6:58 pm

    Hilarious. I will be watching the best-selling charts carefully to see how many of these predictions actually come true.

    Like

    • January 2, 2014 at 8:33 pm

      But they’re all true, Johanna. Don’t tell me you doubt me.

      Like

  4. January 3, 2014 at 3:21 pm

    And of course, we know this coming December Simon Cowell will arrange for his as-yet-unborn child to have the Christmas Number One with “Dribbling Around the Christmas Tree”.

    He single-handedly murdered the British music industry – case in point, Wand Erection – and now he’s breeding! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!

    Like

  5. January 3, 2014 at 3:53 pm

    Thanks for giving me a good laugh on my first day back to work, Tara! I particularly liked February 🙂

    Like

    • January 3, 2014 at 4:00 pm

      Thanks Mary! Yes, J.K.’s leap into the romance, historical fiction, science fiction, graphic novel and cookery genres shocked us all, but none more so than driving instruction…

      Like

  6. Mo
    January 3, 2014 at 8:22 pm

    One Direction. Migration. I snarfed my tea. Love!

    Like

    • January 3, 2014 at 9:18 pm

      It’s been a long while since I heard that greatly underused verb “to snarf”… There’s a blast from the past – in more ways than one, my dear 😁

      Like

  7. January 6, 2014 at 5:42 pm

    Very funny…but also not so far from the truth.

    Writing goals for this year? Well, I’ve hit the ground running by attempting to get to grips, during the holidays, with Apple’s iBook Author and now have a passable version of my novel In the Wake of the Coup, complete with photographs, in iBook format. Great fun. Next step is to publish on iBooks the get back to revising the next novel.

    Hope your 2014 is creative and satisfying.

    Like

    • January 6, 2014 at 10:21 pm

      You’re the first person I’ve ever heard of to actually conquer the formatting of an e-book in the matter of weeks, so that’s inspiration enough for me! Well done, and the very best of luck with In The Wake Of The Coup!

      Like

  8. January 8, 2014 at 1:27 pm

    You’re hilaire!! I haven’t written a thing since mid December…unless you count Facebook, twitter and my mothers shopping list. That would bring me up to about 10,000 words of pure shite and tins of peas 🙂 I am determined to knuckle down this week 🙂

    Like

    • January 8, 2014 at 1:51 pm

      I dunno about you, but I reckon there’s poetry in that! I foresee “Pure Shite And Peas” becoming an internet sensation…

      Like

  9. May 15, 2014 at 5:21 am

    I came a bit late to this party, but I’m glad I finally got here! Especially to get the good news that in June my book will turn the corner at last, because it’s the synthesis of all three of the month’s “bestselling” rainy day romance e-book titles!

    Like

    • May 15, 2014 at 9:37 am

      That’s mighty! You have less than 2 weeks of normal life yet before you hit the big time! I hope you remember us little guys when you’re running the show 😉

      Like

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