The Secret To World Domination Is… A Hairy Irishman

They’re Irish. They’re hairy. And they’re taking over the world.

It’s all very well perfecting your craft – whatever that might be – and seeking fame and fortune on the strength of it. But the fact is that unless you grow the hair to go with it, you’re wasting your time. I lay the cases of the following indomitable Irish men in front of you in order to irrefutably prove my point. And I’m warning you: there is literally no point in arguing with my hypothesis, because it is perfect.

1. Hozier

I was watching Glastonbury highlights the other day from the safety of my couch. And there he was, throwing his hair around like he hadn’t a care in the world: Andrew Hozier-Byrne. And indeed, why wouldn’t he? He’s only after writing one of the best songs of the last decade (Take Me To Church), finally persuaded to take his hair out of that awkward ponytail and let it flap round his face like the uncaged animal it is. About a year ago, his hair seemed shy and reserved, as though intimidated by its own violent popularity. But now the hair flies free, and it’s – sorry, I mean he’s – taking over the world.

2. Aidan Turner

Following his turn on the latest incarnation of BBC’s Poldark, this gentleman’s hair got so popular that the Internet exploded and he was forced to keep it indoors, out of sight, for reasons of personal safety. Mind you, this also necessitated the keeping of himself indoors too, attached as he was to his hair, with the result that he hasn’t been seen in public since that kerfuffle when 600 early-to-late middle-aged women threatened to throw themselves over a cliff in Cornwall in protest at the prospect of a whole year’s wait for the next series.

3. Graham Norton

As if that wasn’t enough, there’s the darling of celebrity passport control: the man whose show A-Listers scramble to get on for a bit of actual real fun when in the UK on interminable promotional tours. Graham already had half a bumcheek in the throne when his hair hauled the rest of him over the finish line. Now, Graham bucked the trend by growing it on the front rather than the back of his head, but I think we’re agreed that this sudden beardiness was the final jewel in that weighty and witty crown. You just can’t argue with that much hirsute gravitas being issued with his contrasting boyish grin.

4. Daniel-Day Lewis: The Grandaddy Of Irish Hairiness

I know he’s retired about six times now, but we need to watch the hair. I don’t know how many films this guy’s made – and let’s face it, I couldn’t be arsed researching it – but his career has followed a strict hair matrix, and if he didn’t realise it, he’s not the man I’m saying he is for the purposes of this post. Each and every time the Day-Lewis has been nominated for an Oscar or BAFTA, let alone won one, it’s been with extreme hair. His short-haired, clean-shaven movies have been relative flops. All I’m saying is, if you see the Day-Lewis wandering about Wicklow with any noticeable hair growth, place your bets now. The evidence is simply overwhelming:

1. My Left Foot – serious beardiness at the end of the movie. Very effective. And did you see the hair (bottom right) with which he picked up his first Oscar?

2. Last Of The Mohicans – I get choked up when I think of his long flowing locks in this one. Simply magnificent.

2. In The Name Of The Father – Aidan Turner learned much from this tortured Day-Lewis incarnation. Much.

3. Gangs Of New York – That moustache! Those side locks! The plastered-down fringe! Extraordinary.

4. There Will Be Blood – More ‘tache. Some beard. Long, tousled top action. A keratin symphony.

5. Lincoln – This beard, sideburn and standy-up cow’s lick fringe combination had its own agent. You can see why.

But take heed, Irish men. Just like Samson, your strength lies in your hair. If you cut it or, heaven forbid, shave it, your reign will be over.

And if you love your country, and wish to do your duty by furthering her place on the world’s stage, for God’s sake, to paraphrase a recent Disney movie which conquered the world: Let It Grow.