Hi Fans, Followers and Folks Who Flipping Love Me!
I’ve always been passionate about fitness, but even I have days when I feel like a total blimp off the street, so I totally know how hard it is for you guys to feel good about your bodies.
Every January the hits on my exclusive “Thinly Sliced” YouTube Fitness Channel almost double from nearly 6 million a month to over 23 million a month. Because people everywhere are thinking about what total pigs they made of themselves over Christmas and are looking for a way out of their disgusting, ugly, fat, ordinary bodies.
But search no longer – because you’ve found the answer!
When it comes to living your best physical health in order to look wafer-thinly STRONG, you’ve come to the right place, because that’s what I am.
Someone said once that I was too thin, but they were totally wrong, because I’m strong, not thin, and anyway you wouldn’t believe how much I eat! Really, you wouldn’t believe it, because I’m so naturally thin (but really strong). I eat so much junk food, sometimes I can’t take a selfie for hours.
Anyway guys, I’ve got the secrets you need for a no-fuss fitness plan which will stop the crying and get you back on Instagram in no time.
I won’t deny that it’s hard to look this good when you spend as much time eating out, travelling, drinking #bubbles at A-list events and cooking for your celeb friends as I do.
But don’t worry, followers! There is a fitness plan out there to suit everybody, and my celebrity personal trainer and I have definitely found the perfect one for me.
A personal trainer can really help with motivation, but the most important thing about motivation is that you #neverquit.
Sometimes when I’m half way through a crushing workout I just want to drop everything and go eat ice-cream. But then I think about people I see in the supermarket, or pictures of people on Instagram eating ice-cream, and out of nowhere, I get enough energy to do another 60 push-ups.
And remember: enough is never enough #yofo
Unless you feel like your arms and legs are going to fall off, or unless you’re sweating so much that your ears are dripping and your eyes are flooded, or unless you’re Gwyneth Paltrow, you’re not trying hard enough.
And now it’s time for me to share my very bestest fitness secrets with you!
PART 1: A Day In The Life Of a Top Fitness Blogger
4.52am Wake up from exactly 6 hours and 53 minutes sleep (proven to be optimal) and smell the coffee! Well, not really coffee: it’s my own delicious coffee substitute, made from charcoal, carrot top bark, Edwardian mushroom sweat, and raw coconut earlobes, diluted with exactly the volume of water in my upper torso. It’s definitely the best start to any day and available shortly from all good stores for just 24.99 a shot.
5.21am Meditate for exactly 2 hours whilst standing on 1 leg and releasing endorphins through my elbows whilst simultaneously worshipping the six top pagan goddesses of the morning from Instagram.
7.22am Do my first 1-hour workout (secret details below).
8.03am Measure upper and lower arms, calves, thighs, waist, bust, hips, toes, ears, chin, wrists, little fingers, and eyebrows, and record results on special spreadsheet.
8.22am Take a 16-minute shower with intermittent breaks to give #blessed thanks for the purified water piped specially into my home from a charity water project in the inner city. I only use natural cosmetics and shower aids. Right now I’m using a blend of coconut oil, lemon shavings and powdered rhino horn (for body polishing).
8.59am Work out.
10.15am Social media updates.
11.00am Spend exactly 4 minutes 30 seconds on the toilet and compile results on special spreadsheet.
11.05am Work out.
12.13pm Lunch. (Details to be revealed in my new diet and fitness plan book to be released in April 2019 for the bargain price of 21.99)
12.19pm Social media updates about lunch.
2pm – 6pm Social media updates.
6.03pm Measure body parts again.
6.14pm Dinner (social media updates for dessert).
6.59pm Social media results.
7pm Bedtime after a special smoothie, made from competitive juices and passive aggressive compliments.
PART II: The Instagram Fitness Workout
Using the best photo editing software you can afford, work out imperfections as follows:
FOR THE GALS:
- Suck in tummy
- Suck in back
- Thin out arms
- Thin out quads
- Thin out double chin
- Get rid of scars and cellulite
- Make bust rounder
- Enlarge and lift bum
- Full body skin smooth
FOR THE GUYS:
- Highlight 6-pack
- Lowlight 6-pack
- Airbrush 6-pack
- Thin out waist (until you look pretty much like an insect)
- Widen quads
- Thin out knees
- Widen biceps
- Widen jaw
- Square jaw
- Add extra jaw
- Did I say quads?
PART III: My Favourite Exercise: The Perfect Squat
You guys, the most generous exercise you can do for your bums and legs is a squat. Yes – even YOUR bums and legs!
But the most important thing to remember is that you will always look really unattractive doing them. If your choice is to go ahead anyway that’s fine, but most of you would much rather sit watching videos of bloggers doing it rather than do any exercise yourselves.
So without further ado, here’s how to do the basic Goblet Squat! Grab a 100kg kettle bell and watch those thighs BURRRRRN!!
- Ready? 1 – 2 – 3… TWERK AND HOLD! Now look in the mirror. See your face? See how red and sweaty it is? See the way your eyes are bulging? Your legs screaming?
- Now look at my beautiful face. Look at my smile. My thighs. Aren’t they fabulous?
- Look at my muscle definition. Look at how toned and tanned they are. You are never going look like this. Wouldn’t you just rather look at mine instead? Of course you would! That’s what I’m here for, so you can watch me do all the things you will NEVER be able to do as well as I can!