Superblogger Chapter 1: How To Get Filthy Rich From Internetting

Superblogger Chapter 1: How To Get Filthy Rich From Internetting

To my dearest fans (that’s you guys)

Welcome to the world of the Superblogger!

Nobody is more grateful than me for my fabulous life.

But you might not know that what makes me even happier, is sharing it with you.

Who would have thought, just one year ago, that a quiet kid from Nowheresville would end up with 6.8 million followers, two houses, three dogs, too many celebrity friends to count, and my own lines in tanning products, cookware, fitness gear, vintage cat memes, and personalised car accessories?

Living such a great life means I have something really great to blog about. Which is kind of crazy, because the money and endorsements I get through blogging are literally what gives my life its fabulousity, and in turn my fabulous life is what I blog about, so it goes from blogging to fabulous, back to blogging about fabulous in a kind of never ending loop, until people have to go and lie down when they think about it.

And how does one get this fabulous life to blog about in the first place? Well, I can help you there, because I’ve done it. And in this series, I’m going to tell you all my secrets, except for the ones which I’m going to monetise eventually.

Because the thing is – I’m the most honest blogger around. NOBODY will ever be more honest with you than me. I tell it like it is, which is literally what I say it is.

Like, there can be a downside to making loads of money and having really cool stuff and getting recognised and asked for autographs on the street, and that is: The Haters. In this series I will also tell you in how to use your own fabulosity to turn hate into love, and by love I mean: followers.

I love all my fans, but especially you, for loving me so much. If I can make one person in the world smile during a sad bad day, I can go to bed happy. And don’t you think that’s what makes my life so inspired?

So without further ado, and with oodles of #inspo, here is the Superblogger’s super guide to blogging and social influencement!

Superblogger Chapter 1: How To Get Filthy Rich From Internetting

Selfies are the most important tool on the road to rich social influencement. Sadly, none of these people will ever make any money from social media.

 

HOW TO GO FROM ZERO TO SUPERBLOGGER IN ONLY 1,000,000 FOLLOWERS

Let me start by telling you something which might shock you.

I wasn’t always a Superblogger.

I wasn’t always this outgoing.

Just 12 months ago, I was so shy, I could barely put a video of myself up online without hyperventilating.

I had so many anxiety issues, I got an entire blog series out of it.

To put it another way, I was once like you.

But through blogging and my YouTube channel, I started to learn that people can totally be interested in things you might think aren’t interesting, like your life, what you think, what you eat, what you wear, and what you like. Remember: you are special, and nobody else in the world is like me.

I learned so many things about myself through blogging and YouTubing. Now there is hardly ever a day goes by I don’t learn something really important about myself.

I’ve learned that it’s easier sometimes to talk to a million people online than it is to talk to one person while you’re looking them in the eye.

I also learned that the most important thing is to stay humble. As long as you’re the most humble person you know, you’ll be okay. If I ever feel like I might not be humble enough, I think of my fans, and imagine what it’s like to literally walk in their shoes for a day, and before I know it, I’m totally humble again.

Superblogger Chapter 1: How To Get Filthy Rich From Internetting

A #nofilter photograph of some food I had once. Remember: there is no limit to how much food you can photograph without putting on a single pound in weight!

But how do you even begin blogging? Where will you get your followers and endorsement deals? How will you find stuff to blog about, and who even is going to watch the video you spent hours getting the light just right for, and even more hours editing to perfection?

To start with, it really helps if you’re living with someone else, like a parent, or maybe your girlfriend or boyfriend (especially if they’re famous already – that can literally help more than anything). Blogging can be slow to start off, sometimes taking weeks to get off the ground.

If you don’t have a celebrity boyfriend or girlfriend (I guess not many of us do – although I have quite a few so maybe I could lend you one!), you can blog from your own bedroom instead, while your parents pace around downstairs, wondering just what the hell you’re getting up to on the internet. Remember it costs nothing to be in your room, as long as someone else is paying the bills.

By the time you make your third or fourth million (which can take anything from six days to six weeks, in my experience), you can buy your parents a new house, which might stop them complaining for just three seconds that they STILL can’t figure out how exactly you’re making so much money by doing nothing at all. (How cute are parents?! If you have them, obviously. Some people might be missing a Mum or a Dad. Some people don’t have any parents at all. I think about this sort of stuff all the time #solucky #lovemyfam #countyourblessings)

Remember it’s important to stay positive. Positivity is literally the best thing that ever happened to me. I’ve always been the kind of person to see the best in things, but I didn’t know that when I started out – which is another thing I’ve learned about myself in my blogging journey.

Also remember: as a blogger, you must be entertaining. Also, be beautiful. Be funny. Be popular. Be amazing.

But above all things, be yourself.

Superblogger Chapter 1: How To Get Filthy Rich From Internetting

This is just one of the 16 Superblogger spa breaks I’ve taken so far in 2019. If you become more like me, you too will have one sixteenth of a spa like this.

I’d like to finish this introduction by listing my top tips for becoming a Superblogger. This is the stuff I wish I’d known before I started. I will say more about these later. But now that you know – there’s literally nothing holding you back!

(ii) MY TOP TEN TIPS FOR SUPERBLOGGING…. OR WHAT I WISH I KNEW BEFORE I STARTED

  1. There is no such thing as embarrassment. Only obscurity.
  2. There is no limit to what people will find interesting (unless they are related to you – in which case they will never think ANYTHING you do is good, so don’t even try).
  3. You don’t have to be perfect. Just seem that way.
  4. You will never have enough followers for L’Oréal.
  5. Your parents will never understand, but lots of money will help.
  6. You don’t need a professional studio, equipment or website starting off. After the first two months or 2,000,000 followers is fine.
  7. Other bloggers lie about their stats, but obviously you would never.
  8. You will never have enough followers on Instagram.
  9. Being positive in the face of the haters is literally, like, kryptonite.
  10. You don’t have to understand advertising standards, income tax, or calories. That’s what the experts on your payroll went to university for.

Tune in next week, when I reveal more unique skills in my guide to Fitness blogging, which is totally fantastic for January, because let’s face it, all of you are feeling pretty fat right now.

LOVE you guys!!!

 

DISCLAIMER: The Superblogger is an equal opportunities satirist. S/he takes no responsibility for hitherto unfamiliar readers seeing themselves in what s/he writes. If you are offended, please return to Instagram and believe what you see.

  39 comments for “Superblogger Chapter 1: How To Get Filthy Rich From Internetting

  1. January 6, 2019 at 10:29 am

    😅 love it! Can’t wait for the next blog.

    Like

    • January 6, 2019 at 11:19 am

      Neither can the Superblogger, K.M. They have so much to make you feel inadequate about. So much.

      Still, no matter how many adoring comments they get, they still manage to appreciate the sentiment 😉

      Liked by 2 people

  2. January 6, 2019 at 12:07 pm

    Absolutely HILARIOUS, Tara!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. January 6, 2019 at 12:21 pm

    ‘There is no such thing as embarrassment. Only obscurity.’ listen. i once fainted because my card got declined. I would FAR rather be obscure than embarrassed.

    also: this is hysterical. The Superblogger is totally, like, SUCH an inspiration to me. I can’t EVEN.

    Liked by 2 people

    • January 6, 2019 at 12:51 pm

      If you’d rather be obscure, Ness, you’re obviously not spending enough time on Instagram. Don’t worry! You can rectify that easily by spending 6 hours on it today. You’ll know you’ve had enough inspiration when you feel like everything you are is useless.

      But don’t forget that Superblogger is the only really honest blogger. That’s literally, like, crucial.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. January 6, 2019 at 12:48 pm

    Oh for f’s sake, get to the point of how to make the money already 😝

    Liked by 2 people

    • January 6, 2019 at 12:56 pm

      What?? And deliver on what the title of the post promised to deliver?? Oh, Marina. How much we have to learn. Never mind, you’ve come to the right place…

      Liked by 1 person

  5. January 6, 2019 at 2:37 pm

    From one super blogger to another: LOVE YOU, TARA ❤️❤️❤️❤️😘
    I think I need to lie down now…
    Sx

    Liked by 1 person

    • January 6, 2019 at 5:46 pm

      I love that we love me, Scarlet. You’re just so amazing and pretty. I hope your lying-down receptacle is stylish and expensive with a touch of hygge.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. January 6, 2019 at 4:07 pm

    You should post monthly reports of how much money you’re making and from what sources. You should include freebies such as trips, meals, beauty products, kitchen tools, auto parts and doggie treats. I know with your inspiration, I’ll soon be traveling the world with my blog (and be getting out of mom’s basement).

    Liked by 1 person

    • January 6, 2019 at 6:41 pm

      A Superblogger never gives the details, Andrew. That’s not what humblebragging is about. You can read all about it in my subscriber-only series: “Humblebragging 101: So Shocked and Delighted To Be This Fabulous”.
      I’m inspired by how much I inspire you. I know you’ll be as amazing as I am, in no time. Can’t wait to see what you do with that basement!

      Liked by 1 person

  7. January 6, 2019 at 4:47 pm

    I intend to follow the path to Superblogger you laid out so carefully as soon as I can figure out a few small details. Thank you for worrying about the little guys and gals.

    Liked by 1 person

    • January 6, 2019 at 6:43 pm

      It’s my greatest curse, Alicia: how much I care about the people who love me so much. And remember, figuring out the details is half the fun! The other half is taking selfies. Plus 10% free stuff. You’re fabulous. Good luck!

      Like

      • January 6, 2019 at 7:37 pm

        Thanks for the good wishes – right back atcha.

        Thing is I blog because I have to, and have only one book so far, and love all my commenters and readers, even the majority who will never read a mainstream novel I’ve written, because it’s just not their thing. Fine with me if I don’t make it to Superblogger, but it would really help. Maybe.

        Just like reading your posts, and chuckling.

        Liked by 1 person

  8. January 6, 2019 at 6:46 pm

    I love number 2, Tara. Ha ha. My family doesn’t think I’m interesting at all! That’s all I can comment since I have to get back to my 7 million followers. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • January 6, 2019 at 9:52 pm

      Good work, Diana. You have your priorities straight, but you forgot to mention that the only reason your family doesn’t think you’re interesting is because they’re busy saving the world from a plague of killer kittens and making blockbuster movies. Never let an opportunity to boast pass you by.

      Liked by 1 person

      • January 6, 2019 at 10:03 pm

        Nothing so gauche, darling. I’m donating my sparse free time as an artistic advisor on Games of Thrones between lunching with Neil Gaiman and having my nails done. Oh, my stats just jumped up another million followers. Have to get back to it. Ta!

        Liked by 1 person

        • January 6, 2019 at 10:34 pm

          Now you’re talkin’. I take complete credit for your success. Congratulations all the same!!

          Liked by 1 person

  9. January 6, 2019 at 9:48 pm

    I feel so inadequate. That is the appropriate response to Superbloggers, right??!

    Liked by 1 person

    • January 6, 2019 at 9:53 pm

      That is correct, Lorraine. But don’t feel inadequate. You are amazing and popular and most importantly, beautiful: just not as much as the Superblogger, that’s all. Never give up! It’s never too late to live someone else’s best life.

      Like

      • January 6, 2019 at 10:46 pm

        Oh, phew!!!! As long as I’m all those things (even if it is a bit less than SB, who, of course, IS way better than me in so many, many ways) all is right with the world. Yay!!! I’m okay, you’re okay. Right? RIGHT??

        Liked by 1 person

  10. January 6, 2019 at 11:33 pm

    Can I toss roses at your feet just to say I did it? My friends will think I’m cool.

    Liked by 1 person

    • January 6, 2019 at 11:47 pm

      Yes you may, Bryan, but I can’t promise to Like your post on Instagram about it, okay?

      Liked by 1 person

  11. January 6, 2019 at 11:48 pm

    I am happy you acknowledged my existence by replaying. Roses sent.

    Liked by 1 person

    • January 7, 2019 at 8:40 am

      I’ll stack them in my palatial entrance lobby with the others, Bryan. #sooograteful

      Liked by 1 person

  12. January 6, 2019 at 11:49 pm

    Check that: Replying. Damn fingers.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. January 7, 2019 at 8:06 am

    Damn you Sparling, I am a 60 year old man who, on reading this, has taken to standing in front of the wardrobe mirror, holding in my stomach and pouting at the iPhone camera. My most notable follower is the dog. She follows me around the house until I give in and take her for a walk. The reality of #lifeasasuperstar.

    Liked by 1 person

    • January 7, 2019 at 8:43 am

      What can I say, Conor? If you failed to monetise your dog, you only have yourself to blame. I would’ve expected more from a marketing superstar such as yourself. By the way, your dog is following me now. She saw greater opportunities elsewhere. Good luck with the stomach.

      Liked by 1 person

  14. January 7, 2019 at 9:53 am

    #totesadore 😀 can’t wait for the next post of tips as I feel myself aleady on the road to blogger superstardom, I just want to make sure I’m doing it right. BTW, have you any tips on keeping an orchid alive? I had one for my Instagram posts but now I have resorted to using fake IKEA plants and it’s just not as #authentic.

    Liked by 1 person

    • January 7, 2019 at 11:05 am

      It’s not the plant that’s at fault, Liberty, it’s your photography. If you can’t make a fake IKEA plant look #authentic, then social influencing may not be for you. Cheer up, though. Superblogger’s forthcoming chapter on photography advice will blow your mind and break the internet, like, all at the same time.

      Liked by 1 person

      • January 7, 2019 at 11:56 am

        #sad and #notsoveryblessed that I may not be the internet’s next bright young thing but excited to hear Superblogger’s suggestions on which filters to use for my plants.

        Liked by 1 person

        • January 8, 2019 at 10:50 pm

          2019 is the year of the plant filter, Liberty. And that’s an internet fact. 😀

          Like

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