Great Scott! My 2014 Predictions for the future ALL CAME TRUE!

GREAT SCOTT! My 2014 predictions for the future ALL CAME TRUE!Well… kind of.

Back in January, I wrote a pre-emptive review of what was going to happen in 2014. Like most psychics, I was unassailably confident about my foresight. Now, the naysayers amongst you – the doom-mongerers and pedants – might say that I got absolutely everything wrong. But that is simply not true. The fact that some authors and publishers I spoke of failed to fulfil their solemn duty is not my fault.

Today, I’d like to prove how magnanimous I am. Unlike common-or-garden psychics, I am going to go through my predictions in detail, allowing you to be the judges of my considerable soothsaying talent. (You can thank me at my live show.)

Introductory notes to my prediction post went as follows:

“Taking inspiration from J.K. Rowling, who wrote the last chapter of the Harry Potter series long before half the books were even published, I’ve decided to write my 2014 reviews now. It will save time at the end of the year, when I’ll be very busy with TV appearances, liposuction and smiting my enemies.”

I went on to look at the sure-fire bestselling book trends of 2014. I shall now proceed to comment upon them here, with the benefit of hindsight.

************************

JANUARY: Who knew that the best selling book of January would buck the trend of the past 100 years? “SO I’M FAT. DEAL WITH IT! A Guide to Maintaining Those Hard Earned Festive Pounds” had sold 2.3 million copies in France alone by January 13th. There were reports of Cheryl Cole having gained 100g, but these were never confirmed.

RESULT: Nearly right. Cheryl Cole actually gained approximately 2lb when she acquired a diamond  rock the size of Gibraltar upon her quickie marriage to Someguy Implausibly-Doublebarrelled. Not bad.

*

FEBRUARY: Literary critics the world over were unceremoniously fired for failing to spot that 6 out of the top 10 bestsellers in February were all written by J.K. Rowling, under different pseudonyms. This was seen by some as a bit harsh. Who could possibly have spotted that she was the one behind I.B. Hiden’s “How To Pass Your Driving Test In 6 Easy Spells Steps”?

RESULT: Right for different reasons: Literary critics were indeed made redundant during 2014, but only after anonymous book reviewers took to the cyberstreets and unceremoniously shot anyone who dissented from their cause.

*

MARCH: “Confessions Of A Billionaire Tax Defaulter” was a runaway success in the USA and 23 European countries.

RESULT: If only I’d been right: Billionaires had never been less newsworthy than in 2014, when it once again became acceptable to be openly loaded in public (at least outside the Eurozone).

*

APRIL: By the 20th, April had been officially declared Fake Autobiography Month. Top of the heap here were “You Thought I Meant What Exactly?” (Jesus Christ); “Each Night I Cried Myself To Sleep” (Denis Thatcher) and “The Writer’s Wife: No Romeo” (Anne Hathaway-Shakespeare)

RESULT: So right it’s wrong: The biggest autobiography released in the first half of 2014 was singer Morrissey’s, who packaged his emo life story in a fake Penguin Classics cover. C’mon. You’ve got to give me that one.

*

MAY: Fortune smiled on Jane Doe in May, when “One Direction”, her hitherto unknown self-published e-book about migrating birds, was mistaken by a billion fans for a kiss-and-tell on all 5 members of the now alcohol- and drug-dependent boy band. By the time the mistake had been realised, Jane’s mortgage was paid off, and she herself had migrated south for the winter.

RESULT: Really, who cares? This was funny.

*

GREAT SCOTT! My 2014 predictions for the future ALL CAME TRUE!

JUNE: June was a washout, boosting the sales of rainy day romance e-book titles, but in a surprise twist, from male narrators. The battle was won by “Weak Female Falls For Controlling Billionaire”, “Pseudo-Independent Neurotic Finds Out Boy Next Door Is Actually A Stud”, and “The Implausible Marriage Proposal”.

RESULT: I’d like to see anyone even try to prove me wrong on this one.

*

JULY AND AUGUST: The traditional months of the silly season lived up to their name with the announcement that Katie Price’s breasts had finished the last 20 chapters of her latest book. Sales doubled.

RESULT: Don’t you wish I was right?

*

SEPTEMBER: September was the first month to see E-book sales outstrip print book sales.

RESULT: Seeing as nobody will supply proper e-book sales data, despite the fact that it’s more easily collected than paper book sales data, none of you can prove me wrong. So this makes me right.

*

OCTOBER: Literary fiction came to the fore in October for a brief spell when “The Wilting of Wiltersdon” hit the bestseller list for 2 hours in the afternoon of Wednesday 22nd. The book, described as “the most astute psychological narrative on depression-era turnip growing in a decade”, provided arts programmes and book festivals with their sole interviewee for the next seven months.

RESULT: Even I was surprised how many literary titles this year consisted of “The Something of Something”, or some sort of copycat take on “The Hundred-Year-Old Man… etc”. Are they ALL using my Literary Fiction Book Title Generator? Should I be looking for royalties?!

*

NOVEMBER AND DECEMBER: The runaway Christmas bestseller was also the most predictable, visible with the naked eye for a six-thousand mile radius. The 16-line long prequel and movie-appetite whetter “50 Shades: The Hidden Depths Of Christian Grey” had sold 103 million copies before anyone realised its length.

RESULT: We’re not done yet, but the movie’s out in February, so I might have been just 2 months out, which pretty much makes me a genius, in my book.

*

So, do you want my predictions for 2015? Or even better – have you any of your own?

Advertisements

  55 comments for “Great Scott! My 2014 Predictions for the future ALL CAME TRUE!

  1. Brmaycock
    December 3, 2014 at 12:52 pm

    Gave me a great laugh today,brilliant brilliant post:)When I think of the happenings of the book world for 2014, one thing sticks out-a book blogging GIANT tweeting that they had no need for friends on GoodReads that didn’t have a large number of friends/ books read under their belt.A huge number favourited and retweeted the comment. This was only a day after a small book blogger tweeted that she sometimes felt down at how little she felt heard with all the big fishes out there. I unfollowed the biggie (wish I’d replied but I didn’t want a fight) and replied to the other that I enjoyed her blogs and felt she had great reviewer’s integrity as she always gives actual honest reviews. I feel this all says a lot about modern life though the numerous positive replies no2 got gave me some hope…

    Like

    • December 3, 2014 at 2:52 pm

      Glad you got a laugh. It’s rare these days to find anything in book news which produces any mirth at all – especially narky behaviour on GoodReads! And fair play to you for a considered and measured response on a platform frequently given over to mass hysteria: I’ve no time for book blogger megalomaniacs myself. I get enough indigestion dealing with them in the financial services industry.

      Like

  2. December 3, 2014 at 1:24 pm

    Such a fab post!! We should all do predictions 🙂

    Like

    • December 3, 2014 at 2:53 pm

      I agree wholeheartedly. Real book news is also getting very dour. Which is why I will be making up all my news in future 😉

      Like

  3. December 3, 2014 at 2:35 pm

    You are hilarious. That’s all.

    Like

  4. December 3, 2014 at 3:29 pm

    Color me impressed. Can you see my future too?

    Like

  5. December 3, 2014 at 5:36 pm

    laughing so much it hurts to type… 😉

    Like

    • December 3, 2014 at 11:07 pm

      Oh, dear. I’m sending little bouncy cushions for your keyboard in the post.

      Like

  6. Elizabeth Bailey
    December 3, 2014 at 7:38 pm

    Funny!

    Like

  7. December 4, 2014 at 4:51 am

    Very entertaining read and another great blog idea!

    Not satisfied with being witty, talented and insightful? You have to go and be psychic as well! 🙂

    February is my favourite!

    Liked by 1 person

    • December 4, 2014 at 2:17 pm

      Why, thank you. Just wait until my 2015 predictions. I’m sending Armageddon…

      Liked by 2 people

  8. December 4, 2014 at 7:49 pm

    Ha ha ! At first I just thought it was funny, then I realised that If July/August was true then I just might sell a book or two next year. Hidden boobies are central to the plot…

    Like

    • December 5, 2014 at 10:19 am

      Now, I’m normally not into that sort of thing at all, but now I am irredeemably curious. You must tell us about these hidden boobies. Immediately.

      Liked by 1 person

    • December 6, 2014 at 6:59 pm

      My heroine has to hide her feminine attributes, and maintain a disguise as a young man, so that she can play her now legendary part in the fight against Ottoman oppression in Crete. I thought there must be more to gaining acceptance as a male than just dressing like one, so created a background that gave her the experience and wit to survive. Well, until…

      Like

      • December 7, 2014 at 6:43 pm

        Nicely hooked AND reeled in, Yvonne! A cliffhanger teaser – brilliant stuff!

        Liked by 1 person

  9. December 4, 2014 at 10:22 pm

    Thanks, that cheered me up no end.

    Like

  10. December 5, 2014 at 8:55 am

    An entertaining post, and the comments on here are just about as funny! 😀
    I can’t wait to see your 2015 predictions.

    Like

    • December 5, 2014 at 10:22 am

      Neither can I. I might sit down after a massive feed of mince pies and 2 glasses too many of port, and see what comes out. Could be interesting!

      Liked by 1 person

  11. December 8, 2014 at 9:29 am

    Always great for a laugh. This is way up there. Keep the predictions coming.

    Like

  12. December 8, 2014 at 12:31 pm

    I hadn’t discovered your blog at the beginning of this year yet, so thia was all new to me. Made me laugh. But now I really need to read the prediction for 2015 🙂

    Like

    • December 8, 2014 at 4:15 pm

      How glad am I that you discovered me! Thanks Jazzfeathers 😀

      Like

  13. December 10, 2014 at 4:10 pm

    Definitely genius. Loved the bit about Katie Price’s breasts writing the last half of her book. I wonder whose willy wrote the first half.

    Like

    • December 10, 2014 at 4:13 pm

      Whoever it was, have I got a product for him.

      Like

      • December 10, 2014 at 4:14 pm

        I spect you’re knitting it now. Don’t forget a pocket for his pencil.

        Like

        • December 10, 2014 at 4:18 pm

          Perhaps I’ll install a little heater, so he can plug himself in. Just in case he’s planning to be sitting by an outlet for an extended period of time.

          Like

          • December 10, 2014 at 4:19 pm

            HAHAHA!!! I had half an idea of contributing to this scrum of wits when I saw the comments from you two, but I can see there is no need. I’m happy out, sitting over here eating rum-balls and enjoying the show.

            Liked by 1 person

            • December 10, 2014 at 4:21 pm

              Rum balls???? That’s what this guy has got. But you should see the covering NTT has for them!

              Liked by 1 person

              • December 10, 2014 at 4:23 pm

                I did see that. But rum balls don’t like being kept warm. It makes them very runny.

                Like

            • December 10, 2014 at 4:22 pm

              I want some rum balls. are they good warm? Because I may have just the product.

              Like

              • December 10, 2014 at 4:23 pm

                See above. Very runny. I warn you. VERY RUNNY.

                Like

                • December 10, 2014 at 4:25 pm

                  That’s too bad. They’d get all fuzzy from the yarn, anyhow. I think I’d just settle for some rum.

                  Liked by 1 person

                  • December 10, 2014 at 4:27 pm

                    Yes. Nobody likes fuzzy, runny rum balls. You’re much better off with the neat stuff.

                    Like

                    • December 10, 2014 at 4:29 pm

                      It’s true. I could fill the warmer with them, but they’d just drip out the tip, and nobody needs that mess.

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • December 10, 2014 at 4:32 pm

                      Except, perhaps, Katie Price.

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • December 10, 2014 at 4:35 pm

                      I suppose drippy rum balls could be considered a compliment… If you’ve got some nice eggnog to follow.

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • December 10, 2014 at 4:41 pm

                      She does have quite a few kids, it’s true.

                      Like

                    • December 10, 2014 at 4:43 pm

                      Missed all that, had to go down the coop for some spuds. No rum balls in there. Although I did ask. Just cock soup.

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • December 10, 2014 at 4:45 pm

                      I liked her wedding cake. That was made of chocolate balls

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • December 10, 2014 at 4:49 pm

                      There’s an old SNL skit about Alex Baldwins’ famous “Schwetty Balls”. Check it out, funny funny funny:

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • December 10, 2014 at 4:51 pm

                      Oh My God. You guys were talking in double entendres, the WHOLE TIME??

                      Liked by 2 people

                    • December 10, 2014 at 10:40 pm

                      Double entendres? Tara! How could you? I was talking balls the whole time.

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • December 10, 2014 at 11:16 pm

                      Phnarr phnarr 😛

                      Like

                    • December 11, 2014 at 1:00 am

                      I don’t know what you guys are talking about, I thought we were talking about Christmas balls. Christmas balls and sausages. Mmmmm….

                      Liked by 1 person

  14. January 8, 2015 at 1:54 am

    You, my wordpress acquaintance, are HILARIOUS! Thanks for the love. Looking forward to your 2015 predictions coming true, lol.

    ‘Jae

    Like

    • January 8, 2015 at 10:24 am

      Thank you, Jae. I’ll be ticking them off, one by one, as they happen, and trying not to look entirely smug about it. That’ll be difficult. But I will try my level best. 😉

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: