Look. I just want to say: all the other fitness bloggers in the world can stop now, and go off and eat cake or whatever – like, chips – and chocolate, and pasta, and bread – because I’m here now.
By this point we all know that in my quest to become a more famous and money-sucking denizen of the internet I totally smashed it, both as a Beauty Blogger, and a Lifestyle Blogger. It was only a matter of time before I turned my hand to fitness blogging, and I have to say, it’s so much easier than you think.
Ignore for just one second, if you will, that you won’t find a single photograph of me in this post, but believe me when I say that looking totally fit, and being the envy of all your “friends”, is easier than creating a smoky eye whilst artfully arranging white cushions on spectacularly non-functional furniture.
It’s time you learned that you – yes, you too – can be as fabulous and amazing as me. Yes, I am that blogger. Read it and leap.Embed from Getty Images
HOW I GOT TO BE SO BUFF (NOT TO MENTION SO DAMN PHOTOGENIC)
I’ve always been passionate about fitness, but one of the questions I get asked most is, how do I stay so #bufffffff?
People seem to think that I spend my life eating out, travelling, drinking buckets of champers at glitzy events, and cooking for my celeb friends. They’re right – but there is a fitness plan out there to suit everybody, and my personal trainer and I have definitely found the perfect one for me.
A personal trainer can really help with motivation, but the most important thing about motivation is that you never quit. Sometimes when I’m half way through a crushing workout I just want to drop everything and go and eat ice-cream. But then I think about people I see shopping in the supermarket, or pictures of people on Instagram eating ice-cream, and out of nowhere, I get enough energy to do another 60 push-ups.
And remember: enough is never enough. Unless you feel like your arms and legs are going to fall off and reject you and find their own hammock on a beach in Bali, or unless you’re sweating so much that your ears are dripping and your eyes are flooded, or unless you’re Gwyneth Paltrow, you’re not trying hard enough.
The most important thing to remember about fitness, is editing. Photographs or videos can take hours to film and edit. It’s a full time job. So many people don’t understand what a full-time job blogging can be. I’ve had 5-hour slogs with barely a break for lunch some days, and then had to rush like crazy to get ready for a fabulous event, which is why it’s best to have someone on staff who can do jobs like editing for you.
Still, even fat people have to start somewhere, so I’ve taken it upon myself to give you some of the toppest tips ever to top the blogger charts. These are my utmost secrets, guys, and so I’m only sharing them with you – my most dearest fans!
The Instagram Fitness Workout: The Most Effective Workout In The World!
Using the best photo editing software you can afford*, work out imperfections as follows:
FOR THE GALS:
- Suck in tummy
- Suck in back
- Thin out arms
- Thin out quads
- Thin out double chin
- Get rid of scars and cellulite
- Make bust rounder
- Enlarge and lift bum
- Full body skin smooth
FOR THE GUYS:
- Highlight 6-pack
- Lowlight 6-pack
- Airbrush 6-pack
- Thin out waist (until you look pretty much like an insect)
- Widen quads
- Thin out knees
- Widen biceps
- Widen jaw
- Square jaw
- Add extra jaw
- Did I say quads?
Et voilà! You are downright fecking gorgeous, it’s a fact!
Tune into my dedicated YouTube Fitness Channel ( 13,203,202++ subscribers in the first 2 months) for more top-secret workouts. Your sweat will never be better spent. Believe me.
*See my ‘Social Influencing May 2018’ page for the photo editing software I’m endorsing this week!
INSPIRATION!Embed from Getty Images